Philadelphia, PA – Continuing the overhaul of the entire organization, Philadelphia 76ers representatives have been teasing the idea of new uniforms and new team logos since the conclusion of the 2014-2015 season. Well folks, The Coggin Toboggan has received leaked information from the organization’s front office and has three separate mock-ups of what the new uniforms may look like for the next season.
Here are each of the uniform prototypes and our thoughts on the ensembles.
3…2…1….
Did it again. Hinkster out, bitches.
Philadelphia, PA – Mere moments after the conclusion of the draft lottery, 76ers GM Sam Hinkie announced the trade of the #3 pick last night to the Los Angeles Lakers for the exclusive draft rights to Joel Embiid. Hinkie either forgot the athlete was already under team control or has started a slow descent into madness.
“We love what we see out of Joel. Yes, he did sit out all last year, but we feel he would have been the number one overall pick in this year’s draft,” Hinkie said, winking at a number of reporters and obsessively clicking a fountain pen in his hand.
At this point, it is unknown if Hinkie has another plan up his sleeve or has started to slowly buckle under the pressure of a very dedicated fan base.
Several reports have come in to the Coggin, detailing some odd behavior coming from Hinkie after the lottery. He was observed having a very loud and energetic discussion with a potted plant in the hallway of the Barclays Center, in which he described the fern as being “lazy” and “a blight on society.”
Further reports have come in this morning, claiming Hinkie hopped into a cab outside of the arena and demanded the flustered cabbie drive him to the Ottoman Empire, so he could make his fortune in the trade of exotic spices and silks.
The Coggin Toboggan contacted a media representative of the 76ers, who released the follow comment:
“Sam has been under a tremendous amount of stress lately and he has been taken away for a very long, and much needed rest. He will receive the best of care. We appreciate no further inquiries into his mental state as of this moment.”
As of press time, Hinkie was seen running down Broad Street in a strait jacket, being chased by several men with large butterfly nets.
(For best effect, please listen to the song at the end of the article.)
Philadelphia, PA – 76ers GM Sam Hinkie, along with 10 other Philadelphia basketball legends, left for Brooklyn this morning in five non-descript black SUVs, having spent the past several weeks concocting a plan to assure the 76ers win the NBA draft lottery this evening.
File photo of Reggie “Reg” Dunlop.
Philadelphia, PA – In a surprise move this morning, Philadelphia Flyers GM Ron Hextall announced the next head coach of the organization. Reggie “Reg” Dunlop will officially be named as the 19th head coach of the Philadelphia Flyers.
The move comes as a bit of surprise to fans and the hockey world, as Dunlop has no previous NHL experience. His last coaching experience was with the Charlestown Chiefs in the Federal League, a low level, semi-professional league.
Dunlop served as a player-coach for the Chiefs, and it’s unknown if he will do so for the Flyers.
“Reggie has years of experience coaching and playing. His hard nosed, but loose, style of coaching will fit well with the Flyers and fans will love him,” Hextall said.
Even though he has no NHL experience, Dunlop has a proven track record of grooming young and exciting hockey prospects. Of course, Dave “Killer” Carlson and Ned Braden are two of the lesser known players groomed by Dunlop, but the three most well known prospects were the fabled Hanson brothers (Jeff, Steve and Jack) who led the Federal League in penalty minutes for 10 straight seasons.
Dunlop has had several on-ice incidents which may be construed as black marks against his character, including putting a bounty on the head of rival forward Tim “Dr. Hook” McCracken and inciting a bench clearing brawl after claiming Tommy Hanrahan’s wife was a lesbian.
Despite his eccentricities, Dunlop is known for his affinity for “Old-time hockey.”
“I’m looking forward to showing these guys the ropes. Heard you have some great bars in Philadelphia, should be a real gas,” Dunlop said at an impromptu press conference this morning. “You have some great sportswriters here too, they really capture the spirit of the thing, you know?”
As of press time, Dunlop was reportedly feeding a rumor to Philadelphia Inquirer Flyer beat writer Sam Carchidi that a wealthy retirement community in Florida was interested in purchasing the team.
What, are you going to cry now?!
Philadelphia, PA – Maikel Franco, called up to the Phillies for the first time this season from AAA, showed up to the Phillies clubhouse this afternoon timidly clutching a sleeping bag and wandering around aimlessly looking for his locker.
Despite having spent a few weeks up with the big team last fall, Franco looked bewildered and nervous as his teammates hustled and joked around him.
Barely bringing his voice above a meek whisper and with tears starting to well up in his eyes, Franco approached Ryan Howard and asked the veteran slugger if he could point him in the direction of his locker.
“Rookies don’t get lockers until they smell this,” Howard said, grinning as he held up a jockstrap to Franco.
Franco quickly turned and walked away from a cackling Howard. He spent the next 20 minutes watching his teammates get ready for hitting practice from the entrance of the clubhouse restroom before a bat boy escorted him to his locker.
After depositing his backpack and sleeping back in the locker room, the embarrassed and intimidated rookie reportedly took his uniform into a utility closet to change. Upon exiting, he was greeted with howls of laughter and points from his teammates, who noticed the frazzled Franco had accidentally put his pants on backward.
Quickly retreating back into the closet to fix his pants, Franco scrambled to his locker and spent the remaining time before practice quietly whispering to his Iron Man action figure.
“They’re so mean to me Tony…I want to be back at Reading with my friends,” he said to his Avengers: Age of Ultron Iron Man action figure. “Everyone is so much bigger and older…I don’t think I can do this.”
As of press time, Franco had reportedly called his mother and requested she pick him up from Citizens Bank Park and bring him home. She reminded Franco that she and his father currently live in the Dominican Republic, and for him to send money soon.
He’ll be so much happier now.
Philadelphia, PA – Following a 4-3 loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday night, current third baseman Cody Asche was optioned to a big farm with plenty of wide open spaces to transition into a much more happier life than the Phillies could ever provide for him.
“He’s going to a big farm where he’ll have plenty of space to run around, to dance and prance among the poppies, somewhere he’ll be much, much happier,” Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. reportedly told the clubhouse after the game. “He’s going to like it so much better there.”
The 24-year-old third baseman was reportedly seen being loaded into a nondescript white van and transported away from the stadium after the game.
Several members of the roster expressed confusion as to why Asche had to leave.
“But…but Rube…why did Asche have to go. Will we ever see him again?” A tearful Ben Revere asked the GM, sitting atop Amaro’s knee in the clubhouse.
“Cody just needed to be somewhere else. It wasn’t because you were a bad boy, he just wasn’t going to become the best ballplayer he possibly could with our organization. No, no Ben, we can’t visit him. His new family would be much too sad. This is better for all of us.”
As of press time, observers noted hearing a loud shotgun blast from the van transporting Asche. The vehicle then made a sharp left and started to drive towards the waterfront.
Just chilling in a corner, going to do some weather, no big deal.
Philadelphia, PA – Just several days after losing a business deal with NBC 10, oft-controversial weatherman and founder of Weathersavior.com regained his partnership after angrily ranting on Twitter for over 48 hours.
“When he Tweeted and said he increased our hits by over three times, we had to reconsider. How could we not?” A contact at NBC 10 said this morning.
Bolaris gave weather updates and forecasts for NBC 10 until he was let go this past Saturday.
“Of course we knew we had made a mistake when he said, ‘The nation is full of hypocrites,Rapist, murderers,Woman abusers,Dog killers,pedophiles,Tax cheats ALL get hired & are working TODAY.’ We thought to ourselves, you know what, he has a point here,” the anonymous contact said.
“And then when he mentioned the ESPN reporter who was only suspended for ranting at a tow truck worker was not fired because she was hot, well, we knew he was absolutely correct.”
Bolaris was rehired this morning and given a lengthy apology from station management and it was all due to his well thought out, well balanced rant on Twitter.
As of press time, Bolaris was apparently preparing a lengthy tirade against the station and the other media big wigs who have fired him over the years for his first on-air appearance after being rehired.
Go let John know we love him on Twitter, please! @johnbolaris
Philadelphia, PA – A dejected Riley Cooper was almost inconsolable today at the NovaCare Complex, several sources are reporting.
When confronted on his down mood, Cooper said he was upset Lesean McCoy did not mention him alongside Chip Kelly during his recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.
“What’s a guy have to do to get a mention? Go to another Kenny Chesney concert?” he said, as he re-read the interview again before beginning his workout. “It’s just insulting. You work hard, you know, to gain a reputation on a team and then someone just goes and doesn’t even acknowledge all that you do.”
McCoy of course ranted to an ESPN the Magazine reporter about his perceived notion that head coach Chip Kelly had an affinity to run the best black athletes out of the city. While he didn’t outright say Kelly was a racist, many reading the interview did not have to go too far to make the assumption.
Cooper, a teammate of McCoy’s for the past five seasons, just shook his head as he walked into the weight room.
“I guess all you can do is just continue to work hard and really carve a niche out for yourself. I won’t let this happen again,” he said.
“You’d better believe the next time someone on this team has something to say about race on a national stage, Riley Cooper’s name will be the first out of his mouth.”
As of press time, Cooper was showing his most popular YouTube video to several recently drafted rookies.
Buffalo, NY – Chip Kelly, former Eagles running back, continued his media tour and leveled several harsh criticisms at Chip Kelly in a recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.
Several of McCoy’s comments could be construed calling his former head coach a racist.
“Prior to every practice, Chip would make all of the black players pick weeds out of the field before practice. He ordered us to sing old-school spirituals as well. He did it every single practice and the white players would just sit there and watch us. He was awful. I remember he gave Nick Foles a whip and told him to use it liberally if we didn’t get everything finished 10 minutes prior to practice,” Kelly told the bewildered ESPN reporter.
While all evidence points to the contrary and no video exists of such an order, McCoy doubled down and said Kelly would keep him in chains in the NovaCare Complex, only to release him on game days and for team practices.
When called out on his claims for being in no way truthful by several of his current Buffalo Bills teammates who overheard the interview and were horrified by his statements, McCoy said he may have misremembered things.
“Look, it was a long time ago, I might be mistaken. Ok, MAYBE he didn’t make us pick weeds before practice or keep me in chains, but he was a dick. Plain and simple. And being a dick is just as bad as being a racist, I think we can all agree on that,” he said.
Nobody agreed with him.
As of press time, Eagles fans were arguing if McCoy’s statements today were worse than when he claimed Andy Reid forcibly drafted him from the University of Pittsburgh and shipped him to Philadelphia in an old wooden boat.
Philadelphia, PA – A few weeks ago, 94 WIP held a roast for Philadelphia Phillies legends Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams at the Electric Factory, where the two alums were heckled for nearly an hour and a half by local comedians and some of their sports peers.
However, just a few clips on YouTube have emerged of the event, leading many to wonder why more highlights have yet to come out? Whispers and mumbles from the crowd at the roast have been slowly leaking out from the event, but very few concrete details have been confirmed.
What happened at this thing?
The Coggin Toboggan 