Philadelphia

Brian Williams: Coaching the Phillies were the best years of my life

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Brian Williams, possible Phillies coach from 2005 to 2013.

Philadelphia, PA – Brian Williams, lead anchor of NBC Nighty news, appeared on CSN’s Philly Sports Night Thursday evening and proclaimed his time as the head coach of the Philadelphia Phillies, in which he led them to their first World Series championship in almost 30 years, were the best years of his life.

“Sure I’ve had a fabulous news career. I’ve reported on some great stories, had some harrowing moments in Iraq, but the best years of my career were from 2005 to 2013 when I moonlighted as head coach for the Philadelphia Phillies.”

Despite confused looks from host Michael Barkann and special guest Frank Seravalli, Williams trudged on and said he harbored no ill-will towards the Phillies organization after he was replaced by Ryne Sandberg midway through the 2013 season.

“It was tough, but those eight years were just a magical time in this city for Phillies baseball,” Williams said. “I will never forget that run in 2008 when I personally helped this team reach, and win, the World Series championship.”

Despite Barkann desperately trying to change the direction of the conversation, Williams continued and dug himself an even bigger hole when he recounted a story from the 2008 NLCS against the Los Angeles Dodgers.

“It was game 4 of the NLCS, we were tied 5-5 in the bottom of the eighth inning after Shane Victorino had just hit a two-run home run. I knew we needed a spark, Jonathan Broxton was throwing some real heat, so I made the call and inserted myself into the game as a pinch hitter,” Williams said. “I clobbered a two-run home run to put us ahead 7-5. I was the first player manager to ever hit a home run in the NLCS. What a magical moment.”

Williams went on and said he pitched a “lights out” 9th inning to secure the save and victory for the Phillies.

Despite video evidence proving Williams did not hit a home run, record a save, or even coach the Phillies during any of the years he claimed, the embattled news reporter claimed the Phillies were in talks to bring him back for the 2015 season to fill a vacant announcer position the organization was trying to fill.

“Before Harry Kalas passed away, he called me and told me that I was a much better announcer than he would ever be and he would be honored if I took over his seat one day,” Williams proclaimed to a horrified Barkann.

As of press time, Charlie Manuel was seen stalking through the CSN offices with a fungo bat, claiming he just wanted to have a “friendly chat” with “that lying son-of-a-gun Williams.”

94 WIP rehires Tony Bruno and Josh Innes, plus 8 new co-hosts

Bruno (left) and Innes are back and will be joined by 8 new co-hosts.

Philadelphia, PA – One day after firing both Josh Innes and Tony Bruno from the afternoon drive time slot, 94 WIP program director Spike Eskin announced the duo has been rehired and will once again man the airwaves from 1 to 6 p.m.

Current host Anthony Gargano, who appeared on the air for one day, was fired. Rob Ellis, his co-host, has been moved to a bi-monthy 3 a.m. show, Eskin said.

“We feel Josh and Tony are the perfect fit for the 1 to 6 p.m. slot and will definitely challenge Mike MIssanelli for the number one spot in the ratings,” Eskin said during a press conference. “Plus, we think their new co-hosts will really add a lot to their unique brand of sports talk radio.”

Joining Bruno and Innes on a daily basis will be current 94 WIP host Glen Macnow, former host Steve Martorano, former Eagles great Chuck Bednarik, former mayoral candidate Milton Street, former NHL enforcer Dan Kordic, the ghost of Jimmie Foxx, Howard Eskin’s beard and the Philadelphia Phanatic.

“We really think the the Bruno, Innes, Macnow, Martorano, Bednark, Street, Kordic, Foxx, Eskin Beard and Philadelphia Phanatic Show is really going to give the station a firm direction moving forward,” Eskin said. “We’re especially excited about hiring Eskin’s beard, he was a great get.”

Perhaps in a reactionary move, 97.5 the Fanatic agreed to hire former 76ers mascot Hip Hop as a co-host for Missanelli.

Update:

94 WIP announced it has fired Howard Eskin from his part time show, but is allowing his beard to remain in the afternoon drive. Eskin was last seen at Ponzio’s Diner sobbing openly in the Garden Room.

Heeding Philadelphia’s call, Pope Francis condemns Ruben Amaro Jr. to hell

Pope Francis has had it up to HERE with Ruben Amaro Jr.’s nonsense.

Philadelphia, PA – Pope Francis gained a few more followers in the city of brotherly love today, as he endorsed a Vatican referendum condemning Ruben Amaro Jr. to hell.

Pope Francis, who is scheduled to visit Philadelphia in September, said he heard the citizens of Philadelphia loud and clear.

“I have heard the prayers of the thousands of Philadelphians, and I am not deaf,” Francis said during a recent general audience in Rome. “You want him to burn for eternity in hell, than it shall be so.”

Francis waved both hands at the audience as he was greeted with raucous cheers. He most certainly endeared himself to Philadelphians who prayed on bended knee day and night this past off season for Amaro Jr. to finally meet his maker and be cast into the foulest depths of the afterlife.

Francis gave his blessing to those who wished ill will towards Amaro Jr., citing the once mighty Philadelphia Phillies fall from grace as “reason enough” to wish someone’s soul to roast on the coals of hell for all time.

“I too am disappointed Amaro Jr. traded Cliff Lee and got nothing in return in 2010. I understand the Phillies could have had both pitchers all year, ultimately guaranteeing at least another World Series appearance. It’s a tragedy,” Francis said. “He truly wasted what could have been a glorious few years for the Philadelphia Phillies. And for this, yes, he does deserve to rot in hell.”

Francis promised he would make the decision official during his September visit. He urged all Philadelphians to bring various Ruben Amaro Jr. pictures and paraphernalia to the ceremony, promising it would be one to remember.

“To make up for his tomfoolery, I have also decided to nominate Harry Kalas for sainthood. Lord knows he did more for this city than Rube ever did,” Francis declared.

The ladies have spoken!

Easy there Tom, kids go on this blog!

Ladies, we heard you loud and clear at The Coggin Toboggan. Thanks for participating in our first ever Smooch Off poll between Tom Crean, University of Indiana mens head basketball coach, and Bill Belichik, head coach of the New England Patriots.

Bill put up a good fight, but the ladies cast their support behind Tom Crean smooching his son after an Indiana basketball game! And what’s not to like, am I right? That slicked back hair, the tender kiss, what lucky lady would not want to find themselves with Crean and his son!

Better luck next year, Bill. Maybe if you show a bit more passion with your daughter you might win the second annual Smooch Off poll at the CT!

Crean declined to comment on his victory and promptly blocked us on Twitter. Ooooh he’s a firey one!

Tony Bruno fired from 94 WIP due to declining ratings

Bruno (left) is out of the picture at 94 WIP. (Photo credit: Philly.com)

Philadelphia, PA – One day after the debut show of Josh Innes and Tony Bruno in the afternoon, company management representatives from 94 WIP have announced a change in direction when it comes to the afternoon drive slot.

Tony Bruno has been let go of his contract and will no longer appear alongside Josh Innes from 1 to 6 p.m. each afternoon. The duo performed one show together, setting their sites on ratings leaders Mike Missanelli of 97.5 the Fanatic, but unfortunately came up short.

Company representatives expressed frustration at the lack of a ratings gain from the two hosts.

“Quite simply, we thought we’d be farther ahead in the game than we are right now, so we felt it was time to make a change,” said Spike Eskin, the program director for 94 WIP. “We felt that we gave Tony and Josh an ample amount of time to really close that gap, but we just didn’t see the results.”

Eskin continued and announced an exciting new direction for the longtime sports radio station.

“We’ve hired a new host, a fresh talent, who we think is going to bring some unique ideas to our format,” Eskin said.

94 WIP has hitched its wagon to the rising star of Anthony Gargano, a lover of incredible meats.

Eskin then announced Anthony Gargano, a sports radio talk show host, has been hired to replace Bruno. Gargano will sit in with Innes immediately.

“Anthony Gargano will bring a reverberant voice to WIP. We’re very excited to see where this new talent will bring us,” Eskin said.

Gargano, a relative unknown to the Philadelphia sports talk scene, cited a love for the city and a love of incredible meats as his two main assets as a radio host.

The duo will begin their show today from 1 to 6 p.m.

UPDATE:

As of press time, 94 WIP has let Josh Innes out of his contract and announced Rob Ellis will team with Gargano for the afternoon drive slot.

OH my sweet jesus, we’ve won a few games

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (11-33). A returning Big Shot brandished a switchblade at Henry Sims last week for no good reason.

We’ve actually won a few games, 3-2 in our last five, including a win over the Minnesota Timberwolves and the returning Thaddeus Young. He didn’t seem to enjoy the last season and didn’t speak to anyone on the roster for the final month’s worth of games. He had a thousand yard stare and visibly recoiled whenever anyone touched him…he seems much happier now, but I definitely saw his soul leave his body when someone in the crowd called him a “no good piece of shit.”

It was all fun and games until we had to go to Cleveland and Lebron James actually decided to play against us. He demolished everyone on our team. He wasn’t even trying. At one point in the game he was taking all of his shots left handed, and I’m pretty sure he tried to punt in a three-point attempt towards the end of the third quarter.

He was lighthearted throughout the entire game until the last five minutes…and then Furkan Aldemir entered the game. My god, he would not stop calling Lebron’s mother a “filthy, flea ridden whore.” He’s really gotten into American trash talking. I mean, he was going into disgusting details about everything Delonte West reportedly did to his mother. It was really personal, horrible stuff, and during the last 10 seconds tears were streaming down Lebron’s face. It was heart wrenching stuff, we were all telling Furkan to stop, but that crazy European son of a bitch just wouldn’t give up.

You don’t even want to know what he said to Kyle Korver’s younger sister the next night. He is one brutal mother fucker.

We play the Boston Celtics on Friday. There’s a $5,000 pot on who can elbow Evan Turner in the esophagus first.

Who is the better smoocher?

Ladies, we’ve heard you loud and clear at the CT. You want more content catering to female interests! Of course you do, how could you not?

Well we think this poll is right up your alley. Tell us your opinions on who is the better kisser between superhunks Bill Belichick and Tom Crean. Both head coaches are showcasing their smooching skills in these pictures, so who is better??

Who kisses their respective child on the mouth better? Bill Belichick kissing his daughter after Sunday’s Super Bowl victory, or Tom Crean kissing his son after a University of Indiana basketball game?

Let us know!

Steven Singer: Fuck it, we’re gold plating everything

You’ll really hate Steven Singer after spending $300 on a gold-dipped plate of shit.

Philadelphia, PA – Steven Singer, owner of Steven Singer Jewelers, a popular jewelry store that run advertisements on 94 WIP, The Howard Stern Show and the Opie and Jim Norton show, revealed a new direction his store would be taking for the remaining two weeks until Valentine’s Day.

Traditionally, Steven Singer Jewelers offers a different colored gold plated rose each Valentine’s season. Having run out of this year’s “butterscotch” colored rose with two weeks left in the season, Singer had to scramble for a solution.

“Just grab anything you can from the office, I don’t give a fuck what it is. Staplers, a cordless phone, a telephone book….anything at all god damnit!” Singer reportedly screamed to employees at his store on the corner of 7th and Walnut. “Anything that can fit in the gold dipper, just do it you fucks. People will buy anything that’s plated in gold, lets sell these blue collar slobs anything we can. Move move move!”

Singer could be seen running through his jewelry store, grabbing office supplies and scraps of his employees lunch, anything that he deemed “gold dippable.”

“Every year, every goddamn year we don’t have a correct estimate of these fucking gold-dipped roses. Dip faster people, dip fucking faster, we need to get these into the display cases!” he screamed. “You there! Four eyes, drop those glasses in that gold dipper or you’ll be out on your ass selling cubic zirconias with that Robbin’s Rocks fucker in Delaware.”

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So pretty.

Steven Singer Jewelers delivered several new live reads to 94 WIP, which will be running up until Valentine’s Day on Saturday, Feb. 14.

“Come in to Steven Singers Jewelers on the other corner of 8th and Walnut for your limited edition, gold-dipped chicken wing bone Andy Reid left here from 2007. Only $300 for this one of a kind, gold dipped masticated chicken wing your wife or girlfriend is sure to love,” Angelo Cataldi read over the airwaves Wednesday morning.

As of press time, window shoppers passing by the store could see a one of a kind, gold-dipped Pat Burrell discarded condom he left in the back room of the store in 2008.

Editor’s note: Was it too much to ask for a mumps outbreak?

Where was the mumps virus when we needed it the most?

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Like the majority of Americans last night, I could not have cared about either team competing in Super Bowl XLIX. Pete Carroll is a 9/11 truther nut job, Bill Belichick is a curmudgeon who looked like he enjoyed the victory for all of 2.3 seconds before setting his sights on next season, and not a single player on either roster I wished to see have any type of success.

But, unlike so many fans I’ve heard complain about the game and those that wished injuries or even death upon the participants in last night’s Super Bowl, I say relax. It’s just a game people, there’s no reason for such negative thoughts!

That being said, I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I wish a mumps outbreak had spread like wildfire throughout both locker rooms.

Look, Mumps is rarely deadly in adults (1 in 10,000 will die according to WHO), so I think we all could have felt a lot better about the outcome if every single member of each team and coaching staff had contracted the virus at halftime and incubated until the game was over.

Just think about it. We would have had the enjoyment of the game (which was thrilling) but when the virus stopped its incubation period at the final whistle and its symptoms began to appear, it would have been double the fun!

Just imagine, NBC cameras broadcasting a swollen throat Tom Brady desperately trying to take a celebratory sip of champagne, but being in too much pain to do so. Or maybe Richard Sherman face down on Seattle’s bench, too weak to move, as confetti showers down over him, sticking to his sweat soaked fever skin?

Maybe even, if we were lucky, Pete Carroll cursing God as his body is wracked with muscle aches because he had refused a Mumps vaccination, fearing it would give him autism?

At the very least I would have enjoyed seeing Robert Kraft keel over in his suite, surrounded by loved ones also clutching their swollen throats. Not dead, obviously, but at least in some discomfort.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Super Bowl we all deserved.

Report: Kitten Bowl leads to severe health deficiencies of athletes

Kitten Bowl II participant Rex Meowyan. Following the game he was found with 25 tuna cans in his snuggle hut and has been banned for life.

Kitten Bowl – Following the success of Kitten Bowl II, several ex-feline football league athletes have come forward detailing the difficulties and health deficiencies they have suffered after they’ve hung up their claws and their frolicking days are over.

Tigger, a Russian Blue, said he no longer remembers the names of his kitten when he gets up in the morning. The 4-year-old cat appeared in Kitten Bowl I and believes the excessive frolicking and romping of the game has led him to this state.

“I’m not kitten around, this is a serious issue. Sure, it looks cute on television and my highlight play of chasing the electronic mouse into the end zone was replayed time and time again, but what you didn’t see was my inability to use the litter box on my own after the cameras turned off. I no longer get any joy out of chasing a laser pointer mindlessly around my home or swatting at a piece of string. My life is hell.”

A report submitted to the media shows that the majority of former kittens in the FFL suffer from excessive cuteness, brittle whisker syndrome and CTE (chronic tuna excitation).

Some aren’t as lucky as Tigger, as Kitten Bowl II participant Matt Furte overdosed on catnip immediately following the televised special. Teammates said Furte regularly self-medicated himself with the drug following each game, complaining of excessive furriness and shaking paws.

He was found wrapped in a red ball of yarn with catnip matted into his fur, according to sources.

“We need to address this issue immediately. Luckily after my appearance in the first Kitten Bowl, I was able to transfer to a regular life and dedicate myself to helping my fellow kittens do the same,” said Troy Purrcent, head of the kitten commission. “We need mandatory helmets, more heads up purring, and much less severe pouncing and stalking if we want the game to be safer.”

As of press time, Purrcent had vomited a hairball on his master’s bed.