puppy bowl

Puppy Bowl survey shows fans believe Cam Scootin’ disrespects the game

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Cam Scootin’ of the Carolina Pawthers has been a powder keg of controversy this entire Puppy Bowl season.

A national survey conducted by Langer Research Associates, on behalf of The Coggin Toboggan, shows fans greatly dislike 6-month old black lab Puppy Bowl participant Cam Scootin’ and his perceived “uppity” attitude towards the game.

Cam Scootin’, quarterback for the Carolina Pawthers, has been a divisive figure for the media and fans during the Puppy Bowl season. Known for his trademark frolicking and face licking after touchdowns, Cam Scootin’s proponents have said the criticism facing the talented puppy is mainly related to his breed.

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Report: Kitten Bowl leads to severe health deficiencies of athletes

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Kitten Bowl II participant Rex Meowyan. Following the game he was found with 25 tuna cans in his snuggle hut and has been banned for life.

Kitten Bowl – Following the success of Kitten Bowl II, several ex-feline football league athletes have come forward detailing the difficulties and health deficiencies they have suffered after they’ve hung up their claws and their frolicking days are over.

Tigger, a Russian Blue, said he no longer remembers the names of his kitten when he gets up in the morning. The 4-year-old cat appeared in Kitten Bowl I and believes the excessive frolicking and romping of the game has led him to this state.

“I’m not kitten around, this is a serious issue. Sure, it looks cute on television and my highlight play of chasing the electronic mouse into the end zone was replayed time and time again, but what you didn’t see was my inability to use the litter box on my own after the cameras turned off. I no longer get any joy out of chasing a laser pointer mindlessly around my home or swatting at a piece of string. My life is hell.”

A report submitted to the media shows that the majority of former kittens in the FFL suffer from excessive cuteness, brittle whisker syndrome and CTE (chronic tuna excitation).

Some aren’t as lucky as Tigger, as Kitten Bowl II participant Matt Furte overdosed on catnip immediately following the televised special. Teammates said Furte regularly self-medicated himself with the drug following each game, complaining of excessive furriness and shaking paws.

He was found wrapped in a red ball of yarn with catnip matted into his fur, according to sources.

“We need to address this issue immediately. Luckily after my appearance in the first Kitten Bowl, I was able to transfer to a regular life and dedicate myself to helping my fellow kittens do the same,” said Troy Purrcent, head of the kitten commission. “We need mandatory helmets, more heads up purring, and much less severe pouncing and stalking if we want the game to be safer.”

As of press time, Purrcent had vomited a hairball on his master’s bed.

Philadelphia dogs rejected from the Puppy Bowl

Animal Planet showcases the cutest puppies across America in the annual Puppy Bowl, a two-hour extravaganza repeated all day throughout Super Bowl Sunday. Puppies are brought in from animal shelters across the country to audition for the event and hopefully be picked to appear on television. All of the puppies are typically adopted at the end of the event.

The CT has received a top-secret list of dogs who were rejected from appearing in this year’s Puppy Bowl. We scoured the entire list and found several dogs from the Philadelphia area who didn’t make the cut.

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Rum Tum Tugger, seen frolicking in a meadow.

Rum Tum Tugger (Center City, Bichon Frise) – Passed the auditions with flying colors, but tore all four ACLs when romping with another puppy during the finals. Went to live the rest of his days out on a farm far, far away in the country, with plenty of space for running and jumping and frolicking. No, no, I’m sorry, we can’t go visit him Timmy, he is far too happy in his new life to ever be seen again.

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Rolf, who heard the name Lipstein in the distance.

Rolf (King of Prussia, German Shepherd) – Was immediately disqualified when he would not stop barking at the Jewish dog in attendance.

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the Dog, Adam.

Adam the Dog (Northern Liberties, Yellow lab) – Was set to appear in the Puppy Bowl, but disqualified after his urine sample was determined to be tainted with PCP.

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Pretentious Fifi, probably thinking about some new craft dog food or band “you’ve never heard of.”

Fifi (Germantown, Poodle) – Ultimately determined to be too much of a hipster for the puppy bowl.

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Marbles being terrible, because he’s a cat.

Marbles (North Philadelphia, Russia Blue) – Disqualified for being a stupid cat.