Philadelphia

Michael Carter Williams takes out ad lambasting Philadelphia fans

Hope you can still return that hat for store credit, Michael.

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing the tradition of athletes leaving town taking out advertisements in local newspapers for fans, Michael Carter Williams purchased full page colored ads in both the Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News to hurl insults and thank fans for wasting his time during his tenure on the 76ers.

“Looking back at my two years here, I just have to say to each and every Philadelphia fan, from the bottom of my heart, to go fuck yourselves,” he wrote in the full-color advertisement, which featured a single photo of Williams flipping off the camera. “I sincerely mean those words. To every obese, piece of shit that screamed at me to make my free throws and stop turning the ball over, I hope you have a heart attack and drop dead in front of your friends and family.”

The second year player was traded last week to the Milwaukee Brewers as part of a three team trade, which saw the 76ers receive a first round pick in exchange for the young athlete.

Williams didn’t hold back when he reached 76ers GM Sam Hinkie in his letter.

“To that pasty, cunty, bloated mother fucker that has been wanting to trade me since his gummy hands gained control of the franchise, truly, I hope you have a stroke. I don’t want you to die, I just want you to be trapped in a husk of your former body, forced to watch me make all star game after all star game in future years, as you spend your remaining days drooling on yourself as you’re confined to an uncomfortable wheelchair.”

At one point in the advertisement, it seemed as if Williams had wiped excrement on the copy.

“Hopefully, you’ll be run out of this town by the ungrateful, blue collar slobs who will call for your head when none of your assets turn out to be anything, you analytics loving fat fuckwad.”

Several members of the media described the ad as being the most vicious exit from the city of Philadelphia since Eric Lindros left a flaming bag of dog shit on Bobby Clarke’s front porch.

76ers down to four players on active roster

I need more second round picks…I desire them.

Philadelphia, PA – After a flurry of activity at the trading deadline yesterday, the 76ers are down to four active players on the roster for tonight’s game vs. the Indiana Pacers.

“Perhaps we went a bit overboard after we traded Michael Carter Williams, KJ McDaniels, Robert Covington, Luc Mbah a Moute, Nerlens Noel, Henry Sims, Hollis Thompson, Joel Embiid, Henry Sims and Jason Richardson for three first round picks and 37 second round picks in the 2015 to 2035 NBA draft,” GM Sam Hinkie said today.

The only remaining players on the 76ers roster are JaVale McGee, Tony Wroten (injured), Andrei Kirilenko (has yet to appear in a game), and Jerami Grant. A D-league player from the Houston Rockets was included in the bevy of deals, but has refused to step foot in the Philadelphia locker room for fear of being traded again.

“We have assets, oh so many assets. Just think of what we could trade with these second round picks….maybe we could get more second round picks!” Hinkie said excitedly, as his underlings looked nervously at each other.

Several sources from the 76ers front office have expressed fear that Hinkie has become mad with power. After the deadline passed, Hinkie was found in his office speaking into a telephone that was clearly not plugged in.

“He was trying to trade Franklin the Dog (the 76ers new mascot) for a new emcee to announce the games. We had to put a stop to this,” A source said.

To round out the roster for the next game, the 76ers announced they would select a lucky fan from the crowd prior to tipoff to start at point guard.

Oh my sweet jesus

“3…2…1”

“Fuck yeah.”

What the hell just happened?! Who is on the 76ers anymore…I’m so confused. Can they even field five players for the next game? KJ McDaniels and MCW gone. Excuse me while I go throw up in the mens room for the next three hours. Hinkie, you mad genius, you may have gone TOO far after you obviously read my fabulous column about the 76ers being the most exciting team in the city.

You magnificent bastard.

Deeply reflective Cole Hamels: I won’t win with the Phillies, nor with this blight upon my soul

Cole Hamels, perhaps reflecting on the teachings of Proust.

Clearwater, Fla – Showing a side of himself to the media few have seen, the quiet spoken Cole Hamels opened up about the upcoming season, his chances of staying with the Phillies, and the darkness residing in every man’s soul, born or dead.

Casting his eyes skyward, Hamels sighed deeply as he sat down on the pitchers mound at the Phillies spring training complex with a book of Nietzsche in his lap. He lectured the throng of reporters surrounding him in a pained voice, his once youthful and energetic face a scrunched mask of torment and anguish. It was almost as if he had looked into the abyss, seen it looking back at him, and realized the insignificance of his existence.

“What does anything really mean. What is winning in the grand scheme of life? I’ll make some more money if I leave, more than I could ever possibly spend, but where does that leave me at the end of my life? How am I any different from the pauper when we both perish? We both become dust, two more empty husks to wither away into the ether.”

For nearly three hours Hamels touched upon the afterlife, what it means to be a human being, the dual nature hiding within every man, woman, and child, and the lack of depth in the Phillies bullpen.

When asked by David Murphy on what Phillies fan should hope for in the upcoming season, Hamels looked up at the beat reporter and wept, openly and deeply.

“Hope, in reality, is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man,” he said, quoting the German philosopher.

Hamels then said he would approve a trade to either the Los Angeles Dodgers, San Diego Padres, or to the Pashupatinath Temple in Nepal to live out the rest of his meager existence in seclusion and deep reflection.

The first CT Ask Me Anything

File photo: CT editor and founder.

Yesterday, Crossingbroad founder Kyle Scott conducted an “Ask Me Anything” event and it gave me a fantastic idea, so I decided to poll the CT’s readership for an Ask Me Anything as well. Scott fielded hundreds of questions for two-hours plus, so why couldn’t the second most popular Philadelphia sports blog (ok, maybe third favorite behind Zoo With Roy, definitely ahead of The 700 Level…what happened to that rag?) conduct its own as well? Yes, we’ve only been around for about a month and a half, but how many blogs can say they get literally over ONE HUNDRED VIEWS A DAY. THIS IS A TRAIN YOU JUST CANNOT STOP.

I’d be doing a disservice to this CITY if I didn’t let our most valued readers ask me anything, so here’s a recap of an AMA I conducted for four hours yesterday.

M. Calloway from West Philadelphia: You suck.

The CT: Ok, thanks. Not really a question, but we value your opinion.

D. Drosie from Northern Liberties: I agree, you do suck.

The CT: Ok, again, not really a question, this is an AMA, but I’d have to disagree. Sure, we just started, but I think we are far from sucking. Where else can you go to read mediocre satire about Philadelphia sports?

B. Hart from Bensalem: Ok crybaby. Why did David Coggin block you on Twitter?

The CT: Great question. I think it was because I tweeted something to him about him coming back to the Phillies along with Geoff Geary to pitch in the bullpen this year. I suppose he wasn’t amused by that? I’m not sure.

B. Hart from Bensalem: Did you really think anybody cares about that? He was a terrible pitcher on a terrible Phillies team, and this is just a terrible, terrible blog.

The CT: That took a personal turn. This is getting a bit sad.

J. Fullington from North Philadelphia: Since you have no knowledge of real sports, who would win in a fight between WWF’s Hulk Hogan and the late Yokozuna?

The CT: That’s actually a fabulous question, there are so many ways to take this. Well, obviously Yokozuna had the weight and the strength advantage, but Hulk Hogan had the height and his unique Hulking up ability and the millions of Hulkamaniacs throughout the world to give him strength. You’d have to think Hogan would be able to resist at least the first Banzai Drop, but could he make it through an entire match with the beast from the …

J. Fullington from North Philadelphia: You fucking suck.

The CT: I should have seen that coming.

H. Eskin from Center City: Will you please stop tweeting weird things at me about my beard and my love of Ponzio’s Diner?

The CT: Never.

THE END….?

So that ended the first CT AMA. Four hours and just five questions, all telling me that I suck. Thanks very much for reading. If anyone needs me, I’ll be fitting myself for a noose. If I actually have the balls to go through with it this time, Howard Eskin and his dumb werewolf beard will be taking over the blog for me.

Editor’s Note: I love the 76ers

KJ McDaniels throwing down a vicious dunk over old geezers Angelo Cataldi and Howard Eskin.

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

At this moment, Wednesday, Feb. 18, the Philadelphia 76ers are by far the most entertaining sports franchise in this city, and definitely in the best position moving forward. It’s much more exciting to watch a team developing a group of young, energetic players than pretend to care about the Phillies upcoming season or watch the Flyers struggle to fall into the last playoff spot in the Eastern Conference.

For a team that many thought wouldn’t win more than 10 games this season, it’s hard to deny the team actually has a bright future, though many can’t see it at the moment.

Don’t listen to Angelo Cataldi or Howard Eskin, who regularly call out 76ers GM Sam Hinkie for his out of the box strategy. He’s actually DOING something with this team, instead of wallowing in the 7th and 8th seed of the Eastern Conference playoffs year after year. My memory isn’t too great, but I don’t recall Cataldi or Eskin crowing over the 2008-2009 76ers and their 41-41 record, which culminated in a first round exit to the Orlando Magic. I’m fairly sure Cataldi didn’t talk for entire segments about how inspiring and entertaining Willie Green played during that year.

Also, as I recall the two were kicking the 76ers for not drafting Doug McDermott, passing him over for Dario Saric. Saric hasn’t played a game for the 76ers, but was recently named the MVP of the Euroleague. Doug McDermott is averaging 3 points a game for the Bulls, plays about 9 minutes a game and has recently been seen kicking kittens down the sidewalk of the street he lives on (may not have happened). That’s not going to vault your team into the upper stratosphere of the NBA.

Watching young guys on this team who wouldn’t get a chance or the minutes on other squads is the most entertaining aspect of Philadelphia sports right now. Would Robert Covington get a chance to play anywhere else? Nope. He just played in the Rising Stars game over All-Star weekend. KJ McDaniels is getting more minutes than he would see anywhere else. Better to have him playing now than rotting on the bench behind someone like Jason Richardson.

Hinkie is like a guy who is smart enough to reset his Playstation when his Madden team is being blown out by 56 points in the first half against the computer. Something’s not working, so it’s time to start something different. It will take more time, but why keep playing the same way with the same results when you’re doomed to failure? It’s time to reset and start throwing up 50 yard hail mary’s on fourth down, calling for triple reverses and kicking onside kicks after every TD.

Lets remember these points in three years when the 76ers are one of the top three teams in the East so we can systematically boo Eskin and Cataldi off the radio when they try to jump on the bandwagon.

94 WIP caller insightfully declares Phillies should trade Howard, Papelbon

A stunned Mike and Ike still haven’t recovered from the bombshell this morning on their show.

Philadelphia, PA – A caller into the Ike and Mike show this morning turned a radio station, and an entire city, on its head today when he proclaimed the Philadelphia Phillies should “absolutely” trade Ryan Howard and Jonathan Papelbon before the season begins.

Only identifying himself as Tom from Bensalem, the caller declared himself to be a “lifetime” fan of the Phillies and a “long time listener,” but only a first time caller into the morning show. Wasting little time, the analytical and statistical genius declared the Phillies should do everything in their power to trade the two athletes if they were smart and “knew anything about the game.”

It goes without saying, the unique and powerful idea left co-hosts Michael Barkann and Ike Reese nearly speechless.

“Honestly, I don’t know what to say,” Reese said, breathing heavily into the microphone, trying to make sense of the wondrous suggestion. “It’s just, I mean, how did nobody think of this by now? It’s all so simple, of course it needs to be done. I….I just need a few moments here.”

The modern-day Einstein didn’t bask in the adulation for long, declaring both athletes should bring a “hefty return” to the Phillies.

“I mean, think about it dis’ way you guys. Howard makes a lot of money, sure, more than a regular guy like myself, but he hit nearly 60 home runs just a few years ago, you telling me we couldn’t trade him to the Marlins for Giancarlo Stanton? I don’t see why you couldn’t,” he said. “And Papelbon, I mean, he had almost 40 saves last year. Are you telling me we couldn’t trade him back to Boston for that Professor Xavier guy?”

Despite fumbling the name of top Boston prospect Xander Bogaerts, the suggestion nevertheless was welcomed with open arms.

“How are you not working in baseball? This…this is just fabulous,” a stunned Barkann muttered into the microphone. “This is a great day for the City of Philadelphia.”

And just like that, the hero hung up his phone before the two hosts could pick the brain of the greatest baseball mind in the city.

Five minutes later, a frantic Ruben Amaro Jr. reportedly called the station and begged for the number of “that Tom from Bensalem guy.”

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers? (and the SNL 40th anniversary)

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers?! Can’t they just have one season where they’re good from start to finish? I’m sick of it! They’re good, they’re bad, they’re good, they’re bad, just pick one side and end it! I hate anyone who ever had a pony growing up!

But seriously, don’t get our hopes up and get to within a few points of the playoffs and then crap out, it’s just not fair to anyone. It would be as unfair as a black woman who tried out for our show in the 90s, they just stood no chance! Look to the cookie!

So either go for it, Hextall, or just trade away some talent so we can be good again in a few years. You can’t have it all. I told the same thing to Michael Richards about his standup career, but I think we all know what happened with that. What’s the deal with homework, you’re not working on your home?

So millions saw Larry and I on tv last this past Sunday for the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live. Larry was a writer for the show for two seasons from 1984 to 1985. When we first met he told me about a sketch he kept pitching to the cast that nobody would do. He suggested a cast member take out a bag of cocaine midway through the show and literally BLOW it up the ass of Lorne Michaels with a straw on camera. He said he got the idea from Stevie Nicks, who eroded her nose so badly with booger sugar she had to pay a roadie to use the straw trick before each Fleetwood Mac show from 1979 to 1983. The only cast member who toyed with the idea was Jon Lovitz, but every time David provided him with the cocaine he would disappear into a bathroom and do the entire eightball himself. They were some of the best shows he ever did.

Lorne never did forgive Lovitz for going along with Larry’s idea and arranged the RIP in memoriam gag last Sunday as a result. Fun fact, Lorne kept looking backstage for Charles Rocket, claiming he was the only one of us desperate enough to cut Lovitz’s brake lines for a few thousands bucks. Nobody had the heart to tell him Rocket died 10 years ago.

What’s the deal?!

94 WIP’s Josh Innes has been frantically writing Nate Allen jokes since 4 a.m.

Philadelphia, PA – Following the news that current free agent and former Eagles starting safety Nate Allen was held by police last night after being accused of masturbating in his vehicle at an intersection, 94 WIP radio personality Josh Innes had locked himself in a station office for the past 8 hours, frantically scribbling down as many Nate Allen masturbation jokes as he possibly can.

His co-host, Tony Bruno, told reporters Innes had only taken one restroom break in the past 8 hours.

“I don’t want to disturb him. Look at him, it’s like watching Mozart working on his Requiem,” Bruno said. “There’s no way a 5-hour show with commercials will be enough time for him to use everything he has prepared.”

The unwashed and frazzled Innes could be seen in the office swaying his arms too and fro, his eyes closed, a bic pen elegantly gliding across a legal pad as the self-pleasuring jokes poured forth from his soul. Several full pads were strewn throughout the office, ready for airtime.

“Nate even rhymes with masturbate. I can only imagine how much mileage he’s gotten out of that already,” Bruno said. “I could only come up with one and it’s not even that great. Basically just a play on the word ‘indecent exposure’ and Nate being an expert on being ‘exposed’ each Sunday afternoon. It’s wordy, I know, which is why I’m leaving this up to a professional.”

Innes took a break for several minutes, his chest heaving, obviously in pain as he laid his burdened head upon a silk throw pillow. The moment of rest was broken when his head shot up from the pillow, yelling “Eureeka!” as he took up his quill once more in preparation for the 1 p.m. show.

Mel Kiper updates Eagles 2015 draft

Many think Jason Peters will represent the Philadelphia Eagles in the upcoming draft.

Philadelphia, PA – ESPN’s Mel Kiper has released the latest version of his 2015 NFL draft and has the Eagles sending starting left tackle Jason Peters overseas to fight in the Vietnam quagmire.

Peters will likely begin in the reserves, Kiper said, but will be called up to the first starting infantry unit of the Fightin 105 to serve his country.

“Peters has the size and the elusive quickness that so many of our grunts lack out in the jungle,” Kiper said. “Stick an M16 in his hands and he’ll be a killer. He’s 6-feet, four-inches tall, and believe me, they do stack shit that high.”

Kiper said Peters needs to work on his war face before he can truly make a difference out in the shit, however.

Critics derided the potential pick and several seemed to think Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was leaning towards selecting Nick Foles.

“Outstanding, Private Foles, I think we have finally found something that you do well!” Kelly was heard yelling at Foles at a recent offseason workout as the quarterback worked on his deep balls. “Jesus H. Christ, you are definitely born again hard!”

Foles, however, may not be a great selection, said ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio, as he hasn’t been on best terms with his fellow teammates. A report leaked last week claiming that Lane Johnson led a “blanket party” after lights out, warning Foles not to mention anything because it was “all just a bad dream.”

As of press time, Foles was seen entering the team restroom after lights out with a reported crazy look in his eyes.