Nate Allen

Nate Allen depressingly believes Eagles opening up cap space to re-sign him

Nasty Nate Allen.

Nasty Nate Allen.

Philadelphia PA –Unrestricted free agent Nate Allen appeared overjoyed and even a bit cocky this afternoon, believing  the release of cornerback Cary Williams was a preemptive move to clear cap space to re-sign the trod upon safety that has played in 74 games for the Eagles over the past five seasons.

“Sure, I view that as a positive sign,” Allen said to a group of reporters that had just finished interviewing Williams as he exited the team complex. “They have some cap issues and they needed to work it out before contacting me for a new contract. It’s not that hard to understand, guys.”

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94 WIP’s Josh Innes has been frantically writing Nate Allen jokes since 4 a.m.

20150201-Tony-Bruno-John-InnessPhiladelphia, PA – Following the news that current free agent and former Eagles starting safety Nate Allen was held by police last night after being accused of masturbating in his vehicle at an intersection, 94 WIP radio personality Josh Innes had locked himself in a station office for the past 8 hours, frantically scribbling down as many Nate Allen masturbation jokes as he possibly can.

His co-host, Tony Bruno, told reporters Innes had only taken one restroom break in the past 8 hours.

“I don’t want to disturb him. Look at him, it’s like watching Mozart working on his Requiem,” Bruno said. “There’s no way a 5-hour show with commercials will be enough time for him to use everything he has prepared.”

The unwashed and frazzled Innes could be seen in the office swaying his arms too and fro, his eyes closed, a bic pen elegantly gliding across a legal pad as the self-pleasuring jokes poured forth from his soul. Several full pads were strewn throughout the office, ready for airtime.

“Nate even rhymes with masturbate. I can only imagine how much mileage he’s gotten out of that already,” Bruno said. “I could only come up with one and it’s not even that great. Basically just a play on the word ‘indecent exposure’ and Nate being an expert on being ‘exposed’ each Sunday afternoon. It’s wordy, I know, which is why I’m leaving this up to a professional.”

Innes took a break for several minutes, his chest heaving, obviously in pain as he laid his burdened head upon a silk throw pillow. The moment of rest was broken when his head shot up from the pillow, yelling “Eureeka!” as he took up his quill once more in preparation for the 1 p.m. show.