REPORT: Rookie Brock Stassi can’t wait for it to go all downhill from here

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Brock Stassi lowered his guard for a few moments yesterday and cried tears of joy after being informed he had made the Phillies 2017 opening day roster and quickly realizing that it would go all downhill from this point onward.

Stassi told reporters he would forever savor this moment before the city inevitably turns on him for his poor play.

“This is what everyone who has ever played an inning of little league dreams of. It’s been a long journey, drafted in the 33rd round, all those years in AAA, it makes this all the more satisfying,” Stassi said.

“I can see it now, by June I’ll be hitting .220 in limited plate appearances, the sports talk stations will begin to wonder why the Phillies are wasting a roster spot on me, and fans will start to grumble every time they hear my name announced on the PA system at Citizen’s Bank Park when I’m called upon to pinch hit in a key situation, knowing full well I’ll likely ground out into an inning ending, rally killing double play. It couldn’t be more perfect.

Stassi added that he was already planning out a series poorly thought out social media miscues blaming the fans for not supporting him during his struggles in July.

The Eagles have zero Super Bowls, but let’s all freak out about Kelly Green jerseys
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Randall Cunningham is rolling over in his grave with all this nonsense about the Eagles jerseys.

No city in America is more obsessed with a uniform color scheme than the mouth-breathing Eagles fans who are preoccupied beyond measure for their beloved Kelly Green. Only this city could be head over heels for a fictional boxer and a color that hasn’t been used for decades.

This is where you should certainly draw a line in the sand, Jeffrey Lurie, the stupid color for the jerseys. Fight to bring them back as alternate uniforms, that’s ideally what you and the organization should be focusing on. The Eagles are .500 since the 2010 and haven’t won a playoff game since 2008…..BUT THEY’RE BRINGING BACK THE KELLY GREENS!

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Pay no attention to the high-collared dimwit behind the curtain

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YES, JOEL EMBIID WILL HAVE SURGERY ON HIS KNEE. I DO NOT NEED TO GIVE AN EXPLANATION. HE SUFFERED ANOTHER INJURY DURING A PRACTICE IN JANUARY. NO MORE QUESTIONS, THE GREAT GM OF COLANGELO HAS SPOKEN. YOU SHALL COME BACK TOMORROW IF YOU DESIRE MORE DETAILS FOR YOUR PRECIOUS NEWSPAPER COLUMNS AND BLOGS. THE GREAT GM OF COLANGELO HAS DECREED IT SO.

JUST BE HAPPY THAT I GRANTING YOU AN AUDIENCE TOMORROW AND NOT TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW YOU SIMPERING MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA, I HAVE SPOKEN. HOW DARE YOU SECOND GUESS THE GREAT, AND ALL POWERFUL, GM OF COLANGELO.

::A blogger from Liberty Ballers sees a curtain to the side of the press room and pulls it open, revealing Bryan Colangelo pulling several levers and speaking menacingly into a microphone::

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The Philadelphia Sports Gong Show

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Chuck Barris, famed host of The Gong Show and claimed CIA assassin, passed away this morning at the age of 87. Barris, a Philadelphia native and Drexel University alum, was the King of Daytime TV, also creating television mainstays The Dating Game and the Newlywed Game.

Luckily for us, death decided to give Barris a one-day only reprieve to give him a chance to host the Philadelphia Gong Show, the pinnacle of television, before he has to return to the sweet embrace of the crypt.

Taping has already concluded, but we do have a rundown of the judges and the contestants who participated in the series. Who do you think will win? Who will receive the least amount of gongs? Let’s see, shall we…

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REPORT: Yachting loafers kicked through TVs at a record high after Villanova loss

wealthy-people-on-a-jetYachting loafers, sailing shoes and boat shoes were kicked through televisions at an alarmingly high rate Saturday afternoon, correlating with the stunning upset of #1 Villanova by #8 Wisconsin in the NCAA March Madness tournament.

Reports coming in to the Coggin show brands of Sperrys, Nubuck Deck Shoes, Barque Deck Shoes and Cole Haan Boothbay Boat shoes were sent hurtling into 80-inch flat screen televisions at a shocking rate at the conclusion of Villanova’s 65-62 loss.

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ST. PATRICK’S DAY REPORT: Joel Embiid has been vomiting corned beef for the last hour

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Philadelphia, PA – Injured 76ers center Joel Embiid has reportedly been lying face down in his apartment bathroom for the past hour, intermittently raising his giant frame to expel copious amounts of corned beef into his toilet.

Varying accounts claim that Embiid arose at the break of dawn and started to cook several bricks of the salty, cured meat that has become eponymous to the Irish and the celebration of St. Patrick’s Day.

Embiid reportedly began to eat the first slab of corned beef, alone at his kitchen table, at 8 a.m. this morning in complete silence. After polishing off the entire brick of fatty, marbled meat, he took a second out of the boiling pot of water and retreated, again in silence, to his table.

After successfully eating more than eight pounds of the Irish delicacy, Embiid excused himself from his kitchen and retired to the bathroom, where he has been retching nonstop for the past hour.

At press time, Embiid was able to calm himself for a brief moment as he rummaged through his bathroom cabinets, procured a “kiss me I’m Irish” hat from underneath his sink, placed it atop his head, and then returned to the task at hand.

 

Dave Hakstol reports Shayne Gostisbehere to FBI for running March Madness pool

051915_hakstol-dave_600Talented Flyers defenseman Shayne Gostisbehere was seen being escorted out of the Flyers practice facility in handcuffs this morning, as several federal agents led him to an unmarked black van as head coach Dave Hakstol looked on disapprovingly.

Gostibehere’s running afoul of the FBI was reportedly Hakstol’s doing, as the head coach made several calls to the federal agency earlier this week to make them aware of Gostibehere’s involvement running an NCAA March Madness pool for his teammates.

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Nick Foles hopes that brick of heroin still where he left it in North Philadelphia
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Trouble is coming back to Philadelphia.

Philadelphia, PA – Shouts of “Foles coming yo!” rang out through a dilapidated, run-down section of North Philadelphia this morning as a familiar face returned to the streets for the first time since 2014.

A sawed off shotgun swinging freely at his side, barely covered by a ratty overcoat, newly re-signed backup Eagles quarterback Nick Foles strode confidently down Kensington Avenue into the Philadelphia Badlands.

Whistling the Eagles fight song to himself as he watched dealers scramble off the streets at his mere presence, Foles entered a ramshackle building and quickly headed to the back of the broken down structure.

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Oblivious Nelson Agholor ‘can’t wait’ to mentor Alshon Jeffery, Torrey Smith
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Team leader Nelson Agholor can’t wait to mentor Alshon Jeffery, Torrey Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Nelson Agholor met with the media yesterday after news broke that the Eagles had signed wide receivers Alshon Jeffery and Torrey Smith and said he “couldn’t wait to mentor the new guys” when they arrived in the city.

When asked what he first thought of the signings when the news broke on social media, Agholor said he was excited to see the competition between Jeffery and Smith for the number two wide receiver spot on the team’s depth chart.

“Are you kidding me? Either of those guys would be perfect number twos on this team. One of them is going to have to settle for that third spot though, but it should be a hell of a competition. I can’t wait to open up the field for those guys,” Agholor said.

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Cooler, more popular NFL GMs throw Howie Roseman’s iPhone into the toilet on legal tampering day

howieFor the second year in a row, several of the more popular NFL GMs took the opportunity to make Howie Roseman’s life miserable, as they bullied the Eagles GM into giving them a “free agency tax” of whatever pocket money he had in his wallet and his iPhone, which they promptly threw into a nearby toilet in a girl’s restroom.

Despite Roseman’s protests that would he be telling “Mr. Lurie about this,” New England Patriots coach and de facto GM Bill Belichick put Roseman into a vicious headlock while Steelers GM Kevin Colbert gave him several wet willies.

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