Editor’s Note

The Eagles are a full-blown orphanage fire
Oh the humanity!

Oh the humanity!

After I retrieved my laptop from the front yard after ceremoniously hurling it through my front window, I started to think about what best represented the Eagles performance yesterday against the Cowboys.

A dumpster fire, of course, came to mind, but I didn’t think that accurately described how horrible they were yesterday. A dumpster fire is just a bunch of garbage on fire. Sure it’s smelly, but nothing of value is lost in a dumpster fire and when it goes out nobody thinks about it again.

They weren’t a dumpster fire.

The Eagles are an orphanage fire.

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The Josh Innes, Spike Eskin, and Hollis Thomas show! (An assessment)
Josh Innes doing his best Spike Eskin impersonation.

Josh Innes doing his best Spike Eskin impersonation.

Have you ever wanted to listen to a sports talk radio show with three hosts, where one speaks for about 90% of the on-air time, the second gamely tries to play along with whatever antics are planned for day, and the third over laughs at EVERY SINGLE JOKE said during the four-hour program?

Well ladies and gentlemen, the newly (re-re-RE) formatted 94 WIP mid-day show is for you!

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Remembering Rowdy Roddy Piper

Piper_3Truth be told I missed the peak of Piper’s career. i was too young to understand the greatness of his matches, his hilarious promos and his biting sarcasm during the 80s, and by the time I was older and into the Attitude era of WWF, he was wasting away his time having horrible matches in WCW.

But good lord was I blown away after watching “They Live” on basic cable one night. I was obsessed, devouring the movie and reading trivia about one of the greatest sci-fi movies ever made.

John Carpenter + Roddy Piper + Keith David = A fabulous sci-fi movie.

He and David were an unlikely pair, but they worked well together. Two grizzled actors who looked like they could kick the shit out of anyone.

And they definitely kicked the shit out of each other.

Please, witness the greatest fight scene caught on film.

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In which we try to get invited to Lesean McCoy’s apparent sex party

mccoyLesean McCoy made headlines yesterday when an invitation for his around the clock sex party hit the internet. The former Eagles running back clearly made it known he would only approve women over the age of 21 to the party and no males.

We decided to see if we could get an exclusive invitation to his female only sex romp and created a fictional “woman” who would try to gain access. Thus, SallyBoneZone69 was born.

McCoy obviously runs a tight sex party ship, so after we sent an initial RSVP request we received an automated form asking “Sally” to send over a picture to confirm her gender. We replied with a picture, and immediately received a request for a G-Chat session from the screen name “LMcCoy25BB,” which was obviously McCoy. We accepted, and the following is our conversation with McCoy.

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Wish me luck at the 4th of July Nathan’s Hot dog eating Contest

nathans-hot-dog-eating-contest-590Usually my Fourth of July’s are filled with patriotism and jingoistic anthems bellowed to the heavens at the top of my lungs. Up at the crack of dawn to recite the pledge of allegiance before drinking Budweiser until I’m drunk enough to successfully light fireworks, I (and my township’s local authorities) figured this year my talents would be better suited in another endeavor.

So I’ve decided to take a trip up to Coney Island tomorrow afternoon and take part in the greatest eating tradition in the world, the 4th of July Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. Yes I know you need to qualify for the event, but I’ve taken some necessary steps, greased the correct palms, and shed tears in front of the correct people to claim a spot on the dais with some of the greatest competitive eaters in the world.

I’ll be eating under a red, white and blue mask, with my alias The Bobarian. The make will ultimately hinder how quickly I can eat since I do have to hold the mouth flaps open to successfully shovel the meat tubes into my gullet, but my patriotism trumps all else, so it will have to do.

Sure some of the other eaters do this full time and outweigh me by close to 200 pounds. Yes, maybe I don’t have an edge like Type II Diabetes to push me over the top to victory, but I more than make up for this with an incredibly high cholesterol level.

So wish me luck in the most patriotic event in the country tomorrow. After the competition, look for the sweating man wearing a red, white and blue mask riding the Cyclone for the rest of the day and spewing hot dog vomit on the irate crowd below. It should be a great day.

If you don’t see me on the coaster, please for the love of god check the local morgues and contact my wife. Tell her I’ve moved on from this horrific life under a deluge of pork byproducts and the good Ol’ U S of A.

Happy Fourth of July everyone!

Ahhhh nuts, on to winter I guess
Please sign him, Ruben.

Please sign him, Ruben.

No Dario Saric next year, Joel Embiid’s foot fell off last week (or so I’ve heard) and the Lakers may draft D’Angelo Russell, ruining literally MINUTES of work I put in on Twitter to interview the kid.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Philadelphia sports scene moving into the depths of summer. Did you know yesterday was the official first day of summer? I bet you didn’t, but it’s all downhill from here folks until we find ourselves in another dank, dark, depressing Northeast winter.

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Say it ain’t so, is Croatia turning on the Coggin Toboggan?

Flag_of_Croatia.svgBad news friends….our sister country, Croatia, once a beloved ally of The Coggin Toboggan, may be turning on Philadelphia’s favorite sports blog.

We’ve always held an affinity for Croatia…from its lush, rolling green hills, to it’s picturesque beaches…so when a Croatian basketball fan sent a Tweet to our account about Dario Saric last week we happily engaged in a brief discussion using the Twitter translation feature:

See? Nothing horrible. Just a fan wanting to know if I heard anything about Dario Saric coming over to the U.S. next year. I responded:

We reached out and gave the gift of humor, which in some countries is the greatest gift of all. Apparently not so in Croatia, or they just don’t understand the subtleties and deft humorous hand many of my articles possess.

He did not respond.

Undeterred, I pressed on, reaching out to him about our love for Furkan Aldemir, well documented on this site…and he never responded.

Almost a week went by, and I will admit, I was still stinging a bit from my Croatian friend’s hostility. But friendship conquers all, I thought, and sent him another Tweet just last night as I was considering hanging myself while watching the putrid Philadelphia Phillies.

You can see his response below the above Tweet.

Using the Twitter translation function, this is what it says in English. This is 100% true:

“@CogginToboggan @Phillies Uncle I’m in a bad mood I’m not dealing with you for God’s sake take a salmon the go field.”

Uncle?! Salmon?! What the hell Bjelica! I thought we were buddies? You were my man on the street in Croatia, feeding us crucial information about Dario Saric and spreading the good word of The Coggin Toboggan throughout your wonderful country. Now you want me to take my salmon and go out to a field? How DARE you.

Frankly, I don’t put all of the blame on Bjelica. I put most of the blame on the Phillies. The Phillies translate throughout the world as complete shit and are offensive in any language, just the mere mention of the team will get you hung and quartered in some countries.

But as much as the Phillies are garbage and culturally and ethnically offensive, I’m nervous that I’ve gotten myself mixed up with some Croatian street toughs here.

This about sums everything up.

UPDATE AS OF 9 P.M. LAST NIGHT:

All is forgiven. WE LOVE CROATIA!

It’s also come to my attention that Nemanja Bjelica is a Croatian national basketball player who declared himself eligible for the NBA draft, not the name of the Twitter user. I am a complete moron.

Editor’s Note: Congrats to Kimmo, but where’s our cup?
Kimmo Timonen in a moment of triumph, but where is our Cup?

Kimmo Timonen in a moment of triumph, but where is our Cup?

Sure it was a great site last night. Kimmo Timonen, longtime Flyers defenseman  traded to the Blackhawks prior to this year’s playoffs, realized his professional dreams and finally was able to hoist the Stanley Cup at the age of 40. It was a triumphant moment as the veteran broke into tears after kissing the cup, realizing his career was coming to an end on top.

But I ask you, where is our cup?

And when I say “our cup” I really mean “my cup.”

And when I say “cup,” I don’t mean the Stanley Cup. What I mean is my Breakfast on Broad mug promised to me by the fledgling CSN morning show.

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Editor’s Note: Call me Mr. Positivity
Yay sports!

Yay sports!

A reader of the site told me today he’s noticed the Coggin Toboggan is nothing more than a hotbed of negativity, snark and depressing article after depressing article making fun of the Philadelphia sports scene.

Personally, I just don’t see it. Does he have a point? I don’t think so, but in order to be fair and to serve all of our readership, I figured I would dedicate an entire article to all the positive aspects of Philadelphia sports we as fans should not take for granted.

Sure, all of our teams right now are middling at best and this summer will be a wasteland of hard to watch baseball, manned by one of the most incompetent GMs in all of sports, but there ARE things we can enjoy in our sports scene. Why don’t we take a look, shall we?

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