Philadelphia

Best/Worst of the 76ers vs. New York Knicks

The Philadelphia 76ers fell to the Knicks last night, 98-91, in something that “technically” was defined as a basketball game, but onlookers couldn’t confirm. The two basement dwelling teams of the Eastern Conference entertained dozens and dozens of fans at the Wells Fargo Center.

Here were the best and worst aspects of the game for each team.

Best:

– Nerlens Noel, not participating in the game due to an upper respiratory illness, had his best plus/minus point differential of the season with a 0, up from his season average of -35.

– Robert Covington successfully attempted a left handed layup, something he had been practicing all week.

– All fans received 50% off a large Papa Johns Pizza following the game, due to the 76ers scoring over 45 points.

– To the delight of everyone in attendance, former mascot Hip Hop was brought back for one night only and drawn and quartered at halftime.

– Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks intelligently shook off his recent injury knee injury to play in a pivotal early season match up between a 7-36 team and an 8-34 team.

Worst:

– For the 10th game in a row, Furkan Aldemir menacingly brandished a scimitar at a Wells Fargo vendor for not providing him a jug of fermented ox blood during a first quarter timeout.

– 76ers public announcer Matt Cord continues to provide play-by-play action over the Wells Fargo PA system during each game.

– 76ers great Moses Malone was introduced as a special guest before tip-off, and walked out onto the court while flipping off the crowd with both hands.

– Fans were subjected to watching the 76ers for the 20th home game in a row.

Bobby Hoying somehow elected to 2015 NFC Pro Bowl team

Bobby Hoying, probably coked out of his mind.

Phoenix, AZ – in a surprising turn of events, former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying, who has not played a snap in the NFL since being released by the Oakland Raiders in 2001, was selected first overall last night by Team Cris Carter in the 2015 Pro Bowl draft.

“This can’t be correct…Team Carter selects Bobby Hoying with the first overall pick?” A visibly confused Cris Carter said at the NFL Pro Bowl podium as he looked down at his selection. “I don’t remember picki….”

Carter was interrupted by a jubilant, middle aged man jumping up from his seat in the back of the audience, who proceeded to bum rush security and make it onstage with the frightened Carter. Hoying, as he was later identified, wrapped Carter in a bear hug and picked him up several feet from the ground.

“That’s how you do it, you son of a bitch! Big Balls Bobby Hoying is back and he can’t wait to get back in that huddle and sling his balls all around that field,” Hoying yelled, a cowboy hat tipped jauntily on his head. “I’ve heard a lot of things about those Phoenix girls too, I can’t wait to get knee deep in that gash, lets do this boys!”

NFL executives scrambled to see if the pick was legal, but it was later determined that the pick would stand after Hoying held a straight edge razor to Roger Goodell’s neck, threatening to give the NFL commissioner a “real close shave.”

“Bobby made it fair and square, so I’ll be seeing you all in Phoenix real soon. I hope you boys remember to bring that ‘magic powder,’ because I’m sure I’ll have a little bit of a sinus infection before the start of the game, if you know what I mean,” he said to the rest of the terrified Pro Bowlers.

When asked where he had been for the past 14 years, Hoying said he had gone down south over the border to work on an oil rig and for some of them “real mean cartel boys.”

“But I’m back now you sons of bitches, and Bobby is looking to make up for lost time!” Hoying hooted, grabbing a loose football and rifling it in the face of a stunned Kurt Warner. “Too slow, choir boy!”

As of press time, Hoying was in a manure caked jeep doing celebratory victory donuts on Ray Rhodes’ front lawn.

Don Tollefson found guilty, implicates self in OJ Simpson murder case

Philadelphia PA – In a rambling, confused closing statement from former NBC sportscaster Don Tollefson, eyewitnesses reported the embattled media personality somehow implicated himself in the brutal murders of both Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson.

Tollefson represented himself against accusations of stealing more than $340,000 from sports fans through fundraisers for his charity Winning Ways. His closing arguments reportedly lasted more than 25 minutes in front of a stunned jury, who quickly found “Tolly” guilty of all five original counts, and then additionally found him guilty of the 1994 double murder charge originally levied against Simpson.

“I in no way did anything illegal. Those people who bought tickets and trips from my charity were recouped of all their losses. I am 100 percent innocent of all charges,” Tollefson reportedly said. “Unlike the murder charges that should have been brought against me in the early 90s for my brutal slaughtering of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson. Boy, I gave them what they deserved, that’s for sure.”

Tollefson then produced an old, brittle leather glove from his breast pocket, which he proceeded to use to mop his brow, leaving a streak of blood across his forehead.

“There was nothing sneaky about this, unlike how I sneakily crept into Nicole’s home on that fateful night, June 12th 1994,” he said.

As the judge urged him to remain quite, Tollefson ignored his pleas and continued his diatribe.

“Hell, I wasn’t even friends with OJ. I was just bored, wondered what it would be like to kill a man with my bare hands,” he said, eyes wide as he looked down at his shaking fists.

Finishing his closing argument, Tollefson picked up a courtroom microphone and theatrically dropped it to the ground, as he was then forcefully handcuffed by courtroom bailiffs.

Eyewitnesses reported that Tollefson could be heard yelling “What I do! What I do!” as he was led away from the courtroom.

Joel Embiid has an eating disorder

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (8-33). Brett Brown looks like he wants to punch Sam Hinkie in his face every time he sees him.

You vultures. Do you know what you’re putting Joel Embiid through? Ever since the report came out calling him a lazy, fat bum, Embiid has developed a pretty nasty eating habit. He’s been “cleansing” (drinking only chickory, lemon water, and Siracha) for the past week trying to lose weight and it’s really fucking with his head. We all found him passed out on the locker room floor after we were blown out by Detroit, speaking in ancient tongues that only Furkan Aldemir seemed to understand. He ran to his locker and came back clutching a sprig of wolfsbane, which he slapped across Embiid’s face until he came too.

After practice today, Nerlens came in and saw him hunched over a small plasma television, watching something intently. Nerlens asked him what he was doing and Embiid said he was “watching tape.” We went over to him and saw the television wasn’t even plugged in.

I hope he pulls it together.

We play the Knicks tonight. What a great showcase of NBA basketball this will be.

President Obama opens State of the Union Address complaining about New England Patriots

Washington DC – President Barack Obama’s approval rating skyrocketed last night as the leader of the free world opened his State of the Union address condemning the actions of the New England Patriots and the team’s role in the “Deflate Gate” scandal.

“My fellow Americans, I stand before you tonight enraged, as no doubt most of you are, that the New England Patriots again used underhanded techniques to triumph in the game of football,” Obama said, pursing his lips and looking into the camera. “I was dismayed Sunday evening after the Patriots defeated the Colts to reach the Super Bowl, but I was enraged monday afternoon when our CIA moles informed me the Patriots may have intentionally deflated footballs in order to give pretty boy Tom Brady an unfair advantage. This will not stand.”

“You think you can cheat the American public out of a Super Bowl that doesn’t feature the New England Patriots? Think again, you clam chowder eating pieces of shit,” he continued, pointing his finger at the camera and audibly slamming his fist on the podium.

Obama continued to express his frustrations at seeing the Patriots in “yet another Super Bowl,” and vowed to use every resource at his disposal to “show the world at large what a despicable organization the Patriots really are.”

He went on for 40 minutes, forgoing discussions about the looming threat of ISIS to America’s safety or the growing deficit, trashing the Patriots.

He received a record 35 standing ovations from the assembled crowd.

Perhaps the largest came when he winked at the camera and informed the American people Tom Brady would “most likely not be in attendance” at the upcoming Super Bowl due to “a prior engagement at Guantanamo Bay.”

Obama closed the final 5 minutes of the State of the Union discussing a potential terrorist plot aimed to take down much of America’s infrastructure, but the audience was still abuzz after the thrashing he leveed against New England and its “pompous, prick fans.”

“It was magical. I’ve never seen a President unite the country as well as President Obama did tonight,” said Candy Crowley, CNN’s chief political correspondent. “He touched on a raw nerve in this country; the absolute hatred of those pieces of shit up in New England and their cheating ways. Seriously, fuck Belichick and his sissy boy quarterback Tom Brady.”

Obama’s Gallup Approval rating rose from 42.6% to 93.2% after the address.

Angelo Cataldi celebrates 25 years in Philadelphia

Rhea Hughes and Al Morganti pretending to enjoy Angelo Cataldi’s company.

Angelo Cataldi, host of the massively popular 94 WIP-FM Morning Show, celebrated his 25th anniversary in Philadelphia sports radio today. The popular radio host celebrated this morning alongside his longtime co-hosts Al Morganti and Rhea Hughes, as they took a look back on his nearly three decades of service to the station and his journey to become the top Philadelphia sports radio host of all time.

Lets celebrate Cataldi’s anniversary by taking a look back at some of his career highlights from the past 25 years:

– Angelo Cataldi originally applied for a position with the 610 WIP cafeteria staff, but the station GM misread the portion of his resume where he listed cooking “Radio Toast” under past experience and hired him as on-air staff.

– His longstanding feud with afternoon host Howard Eskin was squashed in 2010 when the two were found smooching in a back booth at Ponzio’s diner.

– Calls Morganti each morning to coordinate outfits.

– Was originally planning to cheer Donovan McNabb when selected by the Philadelphia Eagles in the 1999 draft, but reportedly changed his mind when McNabb stole his parking spot before the draft and insulted his pre-owned 1992 Dodge Neon.

– Originally pitched an annual event called the “Wing Bowel,” which would have seen competitors eat 100 chicken wings and then time how long they could hold off from going to the restroom.

– “The Angelo Cataldi Show” on Comcast Sportsnet had its highest ratings ever when 27 people tuned in to watch the episode where Bill Barber put Cataldi in a headlock.

– Co-host Keith Jones once found Cataldi eating a DiNics roast pork sandwich on a mens room toilet when he should have been conducting a live read for Steven Singer.

– Pretends he won’t turn on Chip Kelly the moment the coach fails to win a Super Bowl.

OBSCURE PHILADELPHIA ATHLETE OF THE WEEK: Corie Blount

Corie Blount! Philadelphia 76ers power forward from 2001-2002. Larry Brown knew he needed one more cog to push the 76ers over the hump after bowing out in the 2001 championship round against the Lakers, but my-oh-my Corie Blount was not that cog. The 33-year-old waste of space had one and only move whenever his stone hands actually caught a pass, a blind, horrible turnaround jump shot that usually found itself bouncing off the skull of a fan in the fifth row of the First Union Center.

Blount appeared in 72 for the Sixers (somehow starting 21 of them) for the defending Eastern conference champions and did not dazzle. He averaged 6.5 points a game and less than a block a game, but to his credit he did average about 9 rebounds a game, most of them quickly followed up by a turnaround jump shot off the top of the backboard or an errant pass clanging off the scoreboard of the First Union Center.

Blount did lead the team in one key category….most times being called a “Waste of space hack” by Allen Iverson, averaging about 6.3 times per game.

Corie Blount Fun Facts:

– Blount was sentenced to one year in an Ohio prison in 2009 for marijuana possession. He did not see the irony in his arrest which cost him serious votes in the “High Times” Man of the Year award.

– Shoved into a locker by Dikembe Mutombo after every single home game.

– Unsuccessfully tried to get his teammates to call him and Iverson by the dual nickname, “The Answer and the Question.” Was shot down by Aaron McKie after he reportedly said, “The only question I can think of is why you’re still on this team.”

– Lost to a 14-year-old fan in a halftime “Layup, free throw, three point shot” contest. Was stuck on the free throw portion for 25 shots.

– Attended one of Pat Croce’s pirate ship dive excursions during the all-star break. Was left in the middle of the Pacific Ocean after Croce “forgot” he was still underwater. Made it back to the team for the start of the second half of the season, to the disappointment of everyone.

BREAKING NEWS: Penn State victories restored, Joe Paterno still dead

Happy Valley, PA – Earlier this week, the NCAA declared all 112 Penn State football victories would be restored following the wins being thrown out amid the Jerry Sandusky scandal. With the wins being restored to the record books, longtime PSU head coach Joe Paterno is again the winningest college football head coach of all time.

When reached for comment in an ethereal plane not of this world, Paterno confirmed he was still dead.

“Oh, all of my victories were restored? Hey, that’s just great,” a whispy visage of Paterno muttered. “You guys know I’m dead, right? Been dead for two years now, don’t think that’s going to change.”

As part of the deal, Penn State has agreed to commit $60 million to programs to prevent child sexual abuse. There have also been discussions to bring the legendary Joe Paterno statue back to the school’s campus, where it was removed after officials determined Paterno didn’t do enough to prevent the heinous activities by assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

“Just super. I’m dead. My last memories were of you vultures around my home, yelling questions at my scared wife and tarnishing my legacy. But hey, those 112 wins that I was present for are going to count. Fucking great,” Paterno said, shaking the legions of chains around his hunched shoulders at the huddled reporters.

“Oh, but it’s all good now. My statue is going back up, so students can make jokes about my finger up in the air. Thanks a bunch, fellas,” he muttered, as he slowly trudged back into the netherworld.

“I can’t wait to haunt the shit out of you losers.”

BREAKING NEWS: Insufferable prick, 9-11 Truther lead teams to the Super Bowl

Philadelphia PA – Football fans across the country watched on in horror as Bill Belichick, an asshole of immense proportions and well known prick, and Pete Carroll, a 9-11 truther and all around hunk of shit, respectively led the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots to an appearance against each other at Super Bowl XLIX.

Insufferable prick Bill Belichick, who is no doubt receiving stolen information to win another crucial game to the disgust of millions.

NFL fans could only watch and suffer through both games, as the Packers squandered away a last minute lead to lose in overtime and the Patriots dominated the Colts for four quarters.

“Hey look, it’s not like the Packers are that great and I don’t know a ton about (head coach) Mike McCarthy, but I do know one thing…they’re not the fucking Seattle Seahawks,” said Patrick Mooney, a Cleveland arc-welder who dourly sat through both games. “And Bill Belichick, god I’d love to kick the teeth out of his head. Fuck, what the hell am I going to do for the Super Bowl? This sucks.”

Belichick, hands stuffed in his ratty Patriots hoodie for 99% of the game, scowled his way through a New England blowout of the Indianapolis Colts and sullenly tromped around the Patriots sidelines, never once looking like he was enjoying himself or showing one ounce of emotion. Millions of football fans throughout the country smashed remotes against household walls, declaring him a “cunt of epic proportions” and in all likelihood a “no good piece of shit cheater,” no doubt referencing the 2007 Spygate controversy.

Noted piece of shit Pete Caroll, probably thinking about how the U.S. government engineered 9-11.

Carroll was not better received across America, as he mugged and celebrated for cameras after Russell Wilson threw a game winning touchdown to Jermaine Kearse in overtime of the NFC championship.

“He probably celebrated by watching Loose Change for the millionth time, god what a jackass,” said Tom Schwartz, an engineer from New York City, referencing the now debunked 9-11 truther documentary. “He thought 9-11 was an inside job and coaches one of the most hated teams in this country. God, I hope the 12^th man stomps his head in one day when they suck again.”

Collective heads were held in hands across the country as the dim realization of two of the most hated teams in the league would be appearing in the final football game of the year.

“Who do I want to win? I think we’d all win if a 747 crashed into the Phoenix stadium and took out all of those losers,” said Chris Johnson, who threw a bottle of Wild Turkey against his wall and staggered outside of his home, where he promptly passed out on his front lawn.

However, as of press time, it was noted that moods throughout the country lifted slightly as fans realized that at least the Dallas Cowboys would not be in the Super Bowl.

Hinkie signs deceased, former NBA great to contract

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

The 76ers have announced their intentions to sign the corpse of Manute Bol to a 5-year contract, dependent on his ability to claw himself out of his coffin before the All-Star break.

Age – 47 at time of death.

Height – 7’7

Current status – Dead

Pros – Has NBA ready experience, but hasn’t stepped on a court or terra firma for more than five years. Still possesses fabulous length, but limbs and height may have atrophied since he left this plane of wordly existence. Yet to be seen if he’ll take on the characteristics of the undead from a George Romero movie or 28 Weeks Later … could be a major advantage for team if he commits to a 28 Weeks Later role, as speed and agility would certainly increase.

Can still knock down the occasion three-point shot from beyond the grave. He cannot be worse than Samuel Dalembert, who is still in the NBA.

Cons – Teammates could possibly be distracted by stench. Will not stop talking about brains and a desire to consume them. May be too amazed by his resurrection to fully commit to basketball duties on and off the court. Fingernails and hair continued to grow after death, so a trim and a shave is a necessity.

Outlook – Despite his death, Bol still possess Grade-A height and could serve as a mentor for Nerlens Noel, as he did for Shawn Bradley back in 1994. It remains to be seen how rising from the grave will effect his defense, but it should not be an issue. He needs to improve scoring and suppress his desire to shamble into the crowd and feast on delicious brains of the fans.

However, desire to eat brains could work itself into a favorable team contract, as brains do not count against the salary cap.