Philadelphia

Rejoice, Wing Bowl fans! Cataldi didn’t see the shadow of his neck jowls!

cataldiRejoice, Wing Bowl fans! Your celebratory day of binge drinking at 5 a.m., watching obese men and Asian women eat chicken wings until the point of death, and screaming “SHOW US YOUR TITS” at Delaware Valley strippers is safe for another six years.

Thousands gathered in front of the Wawa on 9th and Walnut to celebrate the 25th annual Jowl Day Tradition. As legend has it, if noted flip-flopper and slob Angelo Cataldi comes out of the Wawa after gorging himself on sticky buns and Butterscotch Krimpets and sees the shadow of his impressive neck jowls, he’ll retreat back into the convenience store and Wing Bowl will be cancelled for the next six years. If the gin-soaked host does not see his neck jowl shadow, Wing Bowl is safe for another six years.

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Is it too late to get that Breakfast on Broad mug I was promised MONTHS AGO?

bob2By now you’ve probably heard that the cornerstone of morning sports shows in Philadelphia, Breakfast on Broad, may be on its last legs. WHAT A FALL FROM GRACE!

Young, dynamic hot shot Rob Ellis overwhelmed the hearts and minds of this city 20 months ago. Not a single pair of soccer mom panties weren’t SOPPING after Ellis invaded their kitchen nooks each morning. The ladies swooned, the men wished they were him, and the city was his oyster.

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Greg Lewis beginning to suspect he was hired by Andy Reid purely to courier food to Kansas City

Andy ReidPhiladelphia, PA – The newly hired wide receivers coach for the Kansas City Chiefs Greg Lewis shook his head as he looked at yet another text from his new boss, head coach Andy Reid, as he packed up the last of his belongings to move out to Kansas City.

Lewis showed the latest text to a Coggin Toboggan reporter, which simply read, “10 cases of Butterscotch Krimpets + three pallets of Sarcone’s hard rolls.”

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Howie Roseman clarifies reason for Eric Rowe trade: “I didn’t like his jerk-off face”

102813-howie-roseman-600Philadelphia, PA – Howie Roseman commented on his controversial decision to trade cornerback Eric Rowe to the New England Patriots prior to the start of the 2016-2017 season this morning during an appearance on the 94 WIP Morning Show with Angelo Cataldi.

Roseman noted he felt as if he should give the fans an explanation of why Rowe, a second year cornerback that has found success with the Super Bowl bound Patriots, was traded for a 2018 4th round draft pick.

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Trump spends inauguration praising decision to keep Joel Embiid out of NBA all-star game
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Trump on his inauguration day.

Washington, DC – Donald Trump’s presidency has already started off on a controversial foot, as the president-elect spent an inordinate amount of time during the ceremony and Oath of Office praising the decision to keep the 76ers talented, young center Joel Embiid off of the Eastern Conference’s all-star roster.

Trump ensured an awkward beginning to his term during the Oath of Office, when he decided it necessary to tack on a comment to end of the sacred oath.

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, and to uphold the will of the people to keep Joel Embiid out of the 2017 NBA All-Star game,” Trump said, as a murmur spread through the near 800,000 witnesses to the inauguration.

His comment was forgotten quickly, however, as those in attendance believed they misheard the 45th President’s comments.

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Friday the 13th Part 2, in 3D! Who lives, who dies?
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Elite strength and height, but need to work on speed to reach his potential.

Two years ago, The Coggin Toboggan delved into a fabulous question on Friday the 13th…which Philadelphia sports figure would survive if he or she found themselves in the Friday the 13th horror series?

Well guess what, it’s Friday the 13th and Jason Voorhees is out there, somewhere, in wait with his machete and shining up his hockey mask real nice to create some havoc in the City of Brotherly Love.

Like every great series, the sequel is BIGGER AND BETTER than the original, so let’s take a look at some Philadelphia sports figures and see if they would survive in a Friday the 13th movie, and if they don’t we’ll take a look at how they would meet their maker in a old-school 3D horror movie.

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It’s starting to come together Pepper…it’s starting to come together
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Pep!

Well…is this it, 76ers fans? Is it starting to come together, Pepper? IS IT STARTING TO COME TOGETHER?

Are we getting too far ahead of ourselves? I can’t remember the last time I jumped off of my couch and fist pumped at the end of a 76ers game…

Are 76ers fans setting themselves up for a disappointment? This is just lightning in a bottle, right? They’re not…actually….good are they?

We all remember the movie “Major League,” right? Coach Lou Brown, the grizzled coach of the Cleveland Indians who had to seriously debate leaving his job as a tire salesman before taking the position, bellowed out the headline of this article to his bench coach Pepper after the lowly Indians swept their first series of the season against a mediocre team.

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Finally some good news for Chip Kelly!
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What, me worry? (photo credit: USA Today)

Wow, when God closes a door he certainly opens a window. After another disheartening season for Chip Kelly, the 49ers head coach deserved to hear some good news about his vaunted system and coaching ability.

Well, good news Chip, over the past two years you lead all NFL coaches in dismissals from their jobs! Congratulations! That’s quite an accomplishment for any head coach and only you, and you alone, can say you’ve reached this pinnacle of success.

Two years and two firings….that’s one more than even Gus Bradley or Jim Caldwell can brag about.

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BREAKING: Marcus Hayes responsible for Jeff McLane press box ejection

auinezeiPhiladelphia, PA – Following the ongoing story of Philadelphia Inquirer Eagles beat writer Jeff McLane being kicked out of the Eagles press box this afternoon, new details have come to light that show a Daily News reporter may have been responsible for McLane’s ejection.

Reports have come in to the Toboggan that show Daily News beat writer Marcus Hayes texted the Eagles security line with several complaints about McLane’s behavior, which is highly unusual since the security line is reserved for anonymously reporting bad fan behavior on game day.

An Eagles insider procured the texts that led to McLane’s ejection and have sent them to the Toboggan.

Here are the texts from Hayes to the Eagles security line that led to the ejection:

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Why is the Denver Nuggets’ court an homage to the Soviet Union?

What the fuck, Denver? Last I checked we lived in America. What in god’s name is up with your home court?

I know an old-fashioned hammer and sickle when I sees it. I’M ON TO YOU. Do you make your fans wait in week long lines for bread at halftime, you pinko commie STOOLIES.

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