The first CT Ask Me Anything

File photo: CT editor and founder.

Yesterday, Crossingbroad founder Kyle Scott conducted an “Ask Me Anything” event and it gave me a fantastic idea, so I decided to poll the CT’s readership for an Ask Me Anything as well. Scott fielded hundreds of questions for two-hours plus, so why couldn’t the second most popular Philadelphia sports blog (ok, maybe third favorite behind Zoo With Roy, definitely ahead of The 700 Level…what happened to that rag?) conduct its own as well? Yes, we’ve only been around for about a month and a half, but how many blogs can say they get literally over ONE HUNDRED VIEWS A DAY. THIS IS A TRAIN YOU JUST CANNOT STOP.

I’d be doing a disservice to this CITY if I didn’t let our most valued readers ask me anything, so here’s a recap of an AMA I conducted for four hours yesterday.

M. Calloway from West Philadelphia: You suck.

The CT: Ok, thanks. Not really a question, but we value your opinion.

D. Drosie from Northern Liberties: I agree, you do suck.

The CT: Ok, again, not really a question, this is an AMA, but I’d have to disagree. Sure, we just started, but I think we are far from sucking. Where else can you go to read mediocre satire about Philadelphia sports?

B. Hart from Bensalem: Ok crybaby. Why did David Coggin block you on Twitter?

The CT: Great question. I think it was because I tweeted something to him about him coming back to the Phillies along with Geoff Geary to pitch in the bullpen this year. I suppose he wasn’t amused by that? I’m not sure.

B. Hart from Bensalem: Did you really think anybody cares about that? He was a terrible pitcher on a terrible Phillies team, and this is just a terrible, terrible blog.

The CT: That took a personal turn. This is getting a bit sad.

J. Fullington from North Philadelphia: Since you have no knowledge of real sports, who would win in a fight between WWF’s Hulk Hogan and the late Yokozuna?

The CT: That’s actually a fabulous question, there are so many ways to take this. Well, obviously Yokozuna had the weight and the strength advantage, but Hulk Hogan had the height and his unique Hulking up ability and the millions of Hulkamaniacs throughout the world to give him strength. You’d have to think Hogan would be able to resist at least the first Banzai Drop, but could he make it through an entire match with the beast from the …

J. Fullington from North Philadelphia: You fucking suck.

The CT: I should have seen that coming.

H. Eskin from Center City: Will you please stop tweeting weird things at me about my beard and my love of Ponzio’s Diner?

The CT: Never.

THE END….?

So that ended the first CT AMA. Four hours and just five questions, all telling me that I suck. Thanks very much for reading. If anyone needs me, I’ll be fitting myself for a noose. If I actually have the balls to go through with it this time, Howard Eskin and his dumb werewolf beard will be taking over the blog for me.

Editor’s Note: I love the 76ers

KJ McDaniels throwing down a vicious dunk over old geezers Angelo Cataldi and Howard Eskin.

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

At this moment, Wednesday, Feb. 18, the Philadelphia 76ers are by far the most entertaining sports franchise in this city, and definitely in the best position moving forward. It’s much more exciting to watch a team developing a group of young, energetic players than pretend to care about the Phillies upcoming season or watch the Flyers struggle to fall into the last playoff spot in the Eastern Conference.

For a team that many thought wouldn’t win more than 10 games this season, it’s hard to deny the team actually has a bright future, though many can’t see it at the moment.

Don’t listen to Angelo Cataldi or Howard Eskin, who regularly call out 76ers GM Sam Hinkie for his out of the box strategy. He’s actually DOING something with this team, instead of wallowing in the 7th and 8th seed of the Eastern Conference playoffs year after year. My memory isn’t too great, but I don’t recall Cataldi or Eskin crowing over the 2008-2009 76ers and their 41-41 record, which culminated in a first round exit to the Orlando Magic. I’m fairly sure Cataldi didn’t talk for entire segments about how inspiring and entertaining Willie Green played during that year.

Also, as I recall the two were kicking the 76ers for not drafting Doug McDermott, passing him over for Dario Saric. Saric hasn’t played a game for the 76ers, but was recently named the MVP of the Euroleague. Doug McDermott is averaging 3 points a game for the Bulls, plays about 9 minutes a game and has recently been seen kicking kittens down the sidewalk of the street he lives on (may not have happened). That’s not going to vault your team into the upper stratosphere of the NBA.

Watching young guys on this team who wouldn’t get a chance or the minutes on other squads is the most entertaining aspect of Philadelphia sports right now. Would Robert Covington get a chance to play anywhere else? Nope. He just played in the Rising Stars game over All-Star weekend. KJ McDaniels is getting more minutes than he would see anywhere else. Better to have him playing now than rotting on the bench behind someone like Jason Richardson.

Hinkie is like a guy who is smart enough to reset his Playstation when his Madden team is being blown out by 56 points in the first half against the computer. Something’s not working, so it’s time to start something different. It will take more time, but why keep playing the same way with the same results when you’re doomed to failure? It’s time to reset and start throwing up 50 yard hail mary’s on fourth down, calling for triple reverses and kicking onside kicks after every TD.

Lets remember these points in three years when the 76ers are one of the top three teams in the East so we can systematically boo Eskin and Cataldi off the radio when they try to jump on the bandwagon.

94 WIP caller insightfully declares Phillies should trade Howard, Papelbon

A stunned Mike and Ike still haven’t recovered from the bombshell this morning on their show.

Philadelphia, PA – A caller into the Ike and Mike show this morning turned a radio station, and an entire city, on its head today when he proclaimed the Philadelphia Phillies should “absolutely” trade Ryan Howard and Jonathan Papelbon before the season begins.

Only identifying himself as Tom from Bensalem, the caller declared himself to be a “lifetime” fan of the Phillies and a “long time listener,” but only a first time caller into the morning show. Wasting little time, the analytical and statistical genius declared the Phillies should do everything in their power to trade the two athletes if they were smart and “knew anything about the game.”

It goes without saying, the unique and powerful idea left co-hosts Michael Barkann and Ike Reese nearly speechless.

“Honestly, I don’t know what to say,” Reese said, breathing heavily into the microphone, trying to make sense of the wondrous suggestion. “It’s just, I mean, how did nobody think of this by now? It’s all so simple, of course it needs to be done. I….I just need a few moments here.”

The modern-day Einstein didn’t bask in the adulation for long, declaring both athletes should bring a “hefty return” to the Phillies.

“I mean, think about it dis’ way you guys. Howard makes a lot of money, sure, more than a regular guy like myself, but he hit nearly 60 home runs just a few years ago, you telling me we couldn’t trade him to the Marlins for Giancarlo Stanton? I don’t see why you couldn’t,” he said. “And Papelbon, I mean, he had almost 40 saves last year. Are you telling me we couldn’t trade him back to Boston for that Professor Xavier guy?”

Despite fumbling the name of top Boston prospect Xander Bogaerts, the suggestion nevertheless was welcomed with open arms.

“How are you not working in baseball? This…this is just fabulous,” a stunned Barkann muttered into the microphone. “This is a great day for the City of Philadelphia.”

And just like that, the hero hung up his phone before the two hosts could pick the brain of the greatest baseball mind in the city.

Five minutes later, a frantic Ruben Amaro Jr. reportedly called the station and begged for the number of “that Tom from Bensalem guy.”

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers? (and the SNL 40th anniversary)

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers?! Can’t they just have one season where they’re good from start to finish? I’m sick of it! They’re good, they’re bad, they’re good, they’re bad, just pick one side and end it! I hate anyone who ever had a pony growing up!

But seriously, don’t get our hopes up and get to within a few points of the playoffs and then crap out, it’s just not fair to anyone. It would be as unfair as a black woman who tried out for our show in the 90s, they just stood no chance! Look to the cookie!

So either go for it, Hextall, or just trade away some talent so we can be good again in a few years. You can’t have it all. I told the same thing to Michael Richards about his standup career, but I think we all know what happened with that. What’s the deal with homework, you’re not working on your home?

So millions saw Larry and I on tv last this past Sunday for the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live. Larry was a writer for the show for two seasons from 1984 to 1985. When we first met he told me about a sketch he kept pitching to the cast that nobody would do. He suggested a cast member take out a bag of cocaine midway through the show and literally BLOW it up the ass of Lorne Michaels with a straw on camera. He said he got the idea from Stevie Nicks, who eroded her nose so badly with booger sugar she had to pay a roadie to use the straw trick before each Fleetwood Mac show from 1979 to 1983. The only cast member who toyed with the idea was Jon Lovitz, but every time David provided him with the cocaine he would disappear into a bathroom and do the entire eightball himself. They were some of the best shows he ever did.

Lorne never did forgive Lovitz for going along with Larry’s idea and arranged the RIP in memoriam gag last Sunday as a result. Fun fact, Lorne kept looking backstage for Charles Rocket, claiming he was the only one of us desperate enough to cut Lovitz’s brake lines for a few thousands bucks. Nobody had the heart to tell him Rocket died 10 years ago.

What’s the deal?!

94 WIP’s Josh Innes has been frantically writing Nate Allen jokes since 4 a.m.

Philadelphia, PA – Following the news that current free agent and former Eagles starting safety Nate Allen was held by police last night after being accused of masturbating in his vehicle at an intersection, 94 WIP radio personality Josh Innes had locked himself in a station office for the past 8 hours, frantically scribbling down as many Nate Allen masturbation jokes as he possibly can.

His co-host, Tony Bruno, told reporters Innes had only taken one restroom break in the past 8 hours.

“I don’t want to disturb him. Look at him, it’s like watching Mozart working on his Requiem,” Bruno said. “There’s no way a 5-hour show with commercials will be enough time for him to use everything he has prepared.”

The unwashed and frazzled Innes could be seen in the office swaying his arms too and fro, his eyes closed, a bic pen elegantly gliding across a legal pad as the self-pleasuring jokes poured forth from his soul. Several full pads were strewn throughout the office, ready for airtime.

“Nate even rhymes with masturbate. I can only imagine how much mileage he’s gotten out of that already,” Bruno said. “I could only come up with one and it’s not even that great. Basically just a play on the word ‘indecent exposure’ and Nate being an expert on being ‘exposed’ each Sunday afternoon. It’s wordy, I know, which is why I’m leaving this up to a professional.”

Innes took a break for several minutes, his chest heaving, obviously in pain as he laid his burdened head upon a silk throw pillow. The moment of rest was broken when his head shot up from the pillow, yelling “Eureeka!” as he took up his quill once more in preparation for the 1 p.m. show.

Mel Kiper updates Eagles 2015 draft

Many think Jason Peters will represent the Philadelphia Eagles in the upcoming draft.

Philadelphia, PA – ESPN’s Mel Kiper has released the latest version of his 2015 NFL draft and has the Eagles sending starting left tackle Jason Peters overseas to fight in the Vietnam quagmire.

Peters will likely begin in the reserves, Kiper said, but will be called up to the first starting infantry unit of the Fightin 105 to serve his country.

“Peters has the size and the elusive quickness that so many of our grunts lack out in the jungle,” Kiper said. “Stick an M16 in his hands and he’ll be a killer. He’s 6-feet, four-inches tall, and believe me, they do stack shit that high.”

Kiper said Peters needs to work on his war face before he can truly make a difference out in the shit, however.

Critics derided the potential pick and several seemed to think Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was leaning towards selecting Nick Foles.

“Outstanding, Private Foles, I think we have finally found something that you do well!” Kelly was heard yelling at Foles at a recent offseason workout as the quarterback worked on his deep balls. “Jesus H. Christ, you are definitely born again hard!”

Foles, however, may not be a great selection, said ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio, as he hasn’t been on best terms with his fellow teammates. A report leaked last week claiming that Lane Johnson led a “blanket party” after lights out, warning Foles not to mention anything because it was “all just a bad dream.”

As of press time, Foles was seen entering the team restroom after lights out with a reported crazy look in his eyes.

Gov. Chris Christie lasts several hours in Polar Plunge

Chris Christie, moments before plunging into the Atlantic Ocean and heading South for the winter.

Sea Isle, NJ – As thousands flocked to Sea Isle this past Saturday for the annual Polar Plunge to test their wills against frigid temperatures, they were delighted to see a number of local celebrities taking part in the celebration.

Eagles center Jason Kelce frolicked in the surf with the brave citizens who took brief, but impressive, dips in the 35 degree water. However, it wasn’t Kelce who won the day, but current Governor Chris Christie, who was seen swimming in the water for upwards of three hours after the event concluded.

“He’s a beast. I mean that figuratively and quite literally, actually,” Kelce said, as he stood on the shoreline and watched the governor impressively breach from the water and then dive back down several times. “He’s been out there for hours. See all those seagulls flying above him? They’ve been following him ever since he’s been out there.”

Several boats carrying hundreds of passengers sailed up to where the governor was swimming and stayed a respective distance away, letting the passengers snap photographs and ooh and ahh whenever Christie broke the surface of the water.

Nobody participating in the plunge could recall seeing the governor on the beach prior to the start of the event.

“Around this time of year, Governor Christie will take to the sea and swim down coast in search of fertile hunting grounds,” a media relations employee told reporters crowded on the beach.

“We’ll let him stay in for a few hours, eat his weight in krill, and then drive him back up the coast to Trenton on an 18-wheeler flatbed when he gets tired. We’ll make sure to keep him nice and wet during the trip back up to the capital office,” he said.

Kimmo Timonen’s blood clots announce comeback

Philadelphia, PA – As Kimmo Timonen returned to the ice this past week to skate and possibly practice with the team, several blood clots in his right calf announced it was time to mount a comeback.

“We feel this is what’s best for us in terms of getting back out there and giving it all we’ve got. Really, I don’t feel like we can be stopped at this point and we’re going to make an incredible splash when all is said and done,” the gelatinous lump of platelets said.

Since Timonen has started to prep for a return to the ice, the clots knew they would have a bigger impact once the lights were at their brightest. Despite suffering what could be described as a final setback due to several combinations of medication, the clots are ready to come back to the forefront in Timonen’s life.

“Kimo really has shown a lot of heart through this entire endeavor, so we figured we’d show as much fight as he is and make one last run here,” the clot said. “Ironically, we’re going to his heart, so hopefully this will work out for everyone.”

As of press time, the clot was making slow, but steady, progress and was hoping to reach it’s final goal by the middle of next week.

Eagles unsure of how Riley Cooper was elected team representative to NAACP

Philadelphia, PA – The Eagles were stunned to learn Thursday evening that Riley Cooper was somehow elected to be the team’s representative to the local NAACP Philadelphia chapter.

Just hours after an NFL licensed calendar was released with Cooper representing the month of February, the local chapter leaders of the NAACP demanded the team’s representative attend the next meeting to discuss the insensitivity of the publication. After rifling through several papers, Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie was shocked to learn Cooper had been given the designation just this past December.

“I have no idea how it happened. I guess we needed someone and he just kind of got thrown in there. God, that is going to be so awkward,” he told a group of reporters.

As the team’s liaison to the civil rights organization, Cooper is expected to attend the next several meetings and discuss the indignity of being the player on the February page of the calendar.

“We probably should have thought better and maybe elected someone else…but we can’t do too much about it now. Fuck me, we are so screwed. I’m already having our media relations employees draft up several iterations of an apology letter I’m sure we’ll have to be releasing to the public soon.”

As of press time, Cooper was seen purchasing large quantities of FUBU clothing to, as the wide receiver put it, “just fit in at the meeting.”

In wake of DNC announcement, city forces cancellation of 2016 Phillies season

Philadelphia, PA – On the heels of the announcement that the Democratic National Convention will be held in Philadelphia 2016, city officials announced a massive cleanup of the city would commence, with the goal of eliminating Philadelphia’s worst blights before being thrust into the national spotlight.

As part of improving the city’s image and making it less embarrassing, Mayor Michael Nutter revealed the city has officially cancelled the Philadelphia Phillies 2016 season.

“We want to put our best foot forward when the leaders of the Democratic party come to our fair city next year. While we do understand this might be a disappointment for the dozens of Phillies fans throughout the area, we feel this will be what’s best for business,” Nutter said.

A similar decision was made in 2000 when the Republican National Convention was held in Philadelphia. Admiral Wilson Boulevard, a gateway into the city from New Jersey, went through a beautification process and the varied strip clubs and hourly rate motels were shuttered and closed.

“Just like in 2000 when we didn’t want some of the most powerful politicians in the country driving past lewd and embarrassing businesses when they came into Philadelphia, we don’t want the leaders of America driving past Citizens Bank Park and seeing the dreck and affronts to human decency taking place their throughout the summer,” Nutter said.

Nutter said politicians such as Hillary Clinton and Cory Booker do not need to see that nonsense during their stay in Philadelphia.

“This is supposed to be a nice visit for these politicians, not a brutal test of will the Phillies put us through each and every horrific year,” he said.

In addition to the cancellation of the season, Nutter said Ruben Amaro Jr. will be forced to spend the entirety of the DNC in a bomb shelter below city hall.