BREAKING NEWS

Buzz Bissinger announces ‘Power of Positivity’ Philadelphia Inquirer column

Philadelphia, PA – In stunning news today, noted curmudgeon and extraordinarily talented journalist Buzz Bissinger announced he would be “looking on the brighter side of life and sports” in a new column he will be writing for the Philadelphia Inquirer.

The column, which will be called “The Power of Positvity and Beyond” will appear daily in the Inquirer and will focus on the lighter side of sports.

“I feel like I’ve been just putting out too much negative energy into the universe for the past several decades. Sure my work is thought provoking, interesting and award winning, but there’s more to life than just ground breaking journalism and hard hitting news. I want to start focusing on the great things this world and this city has to offer,” Bissinger said. “Like the effort from the Phillies this year. Can we give them a round of applause? They came out and played hard each game. Great organization.”

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Anonymous source cites new overall ratings leader for Philadelphia sports talk radio

Just one month after an anonymous source sent The Coggin Toboggan the ratings books for the end of August, ANOTHER anonymous, but different, source sent us the books for the first half of September and the leader may surprise you.

The two big players at each station, Josh Innes at 94 WIP and Mike Missanelli at 97.5 the Fanatic, AGAIN did not play into the top four ratings leaders for this month. Last month’s leader, Brian Haddad at 94 WIP, was far behind the ratings behemoth who dominated the first two weeks of September.

Big Daddy Graham, WIP host from 2 to 5 a.m., toppled ratings leader Haddad with a 23.6 share of the coveted 25-54 male demographic that is so highly sought after for advertising.

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Flyers website traffic increases by 8,000%

Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Flyers office team website crashed yesterday around 4:30 p.m. after its usual traffic increased by approximately 8,000%, completely overloading the organization’s servers.

Flyers representatives reported the servers were down for around three hours as IT employees tried to scramble to handle the influx of traffic.

“It was the damndest thing I had ever seen. I turned off the Eagles game and tried to log into the site and it just wasn’t working. Google said the site was overloaded, I’ve never seen that before,” said Thomas Ingram, head website developer of the Flyers.

As of Monday morning at 10 a.m., the Flyers had reportedly sold 5,000 more pairs of season tickets and Flyers jerseys saw an increase of 500% in sales. A number of potential buyers were even inquiring if the Flyers accepted trade-ins of other city team jerseys for Flyers discounts.

“This city must be hockey crazy! It’s going to be a great year!” Ingram said.

As of press time, DeMarco Murray jersey sales plummeted by 90,000% from last week.

The City of Philadelphia responds to Jeremy Affeldt

Please calm down, I know I’m a living embodiment of the City of Philadelphia, but I felt it was extremely necessary to make my voice heard following the comments of one semi-above average reliever from San Francisco. Not exactly sure WHY Jeremy Affeldt decided to open his dumb hipster mouth and insult myself and the denizens that take up residence within my hallowed boundaries.

Boooooooooo hoooooooooooooo, wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I’m Jeremy Affeldt and I don’t like it when people yell things at me! Can’t fans just let me pitch in peace when I’m on the mound, because my rabbit ears pick up every mean thing that the residents of Philadelphia say to me and I’m going to let them fester away inside of me for years until they come vomiting out of my mouth in a poorly attended retirement ceremony I held for myself.

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Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week!

Snickers the Possum.

Editor’s Note: Oh Snickers….Snickers, Snickers, Snickers. Three weeks in a row you’ve gotten your predictions wrong. We’re only going to give you a stay of execution because you managed to predict the Eagles would cover the spread. If it weren’t for your ability to actually get a few gambling predictions correct, we’d have crushed your skull under your steel-toed boots long ago. Don’t get too comfortable, though, that wood chipper still has your name written all over it.

This is no longer fun for me. I can’t work under this pressure. I didn’t sign up to be harassed and yelled at by an editor who pays me in moldy orange rinds and used condoms wrapped in tissue paper.

But I’m a professional, a professional sports predicting possum and my dedication is to YOU, the readers.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that my hairless tail drives the women possums crazy and I’m an excellent football analyst!

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Broad Street Media announces plans to acquire Liberty Bell, slap some ads on it

The next target of Broad Street Media?

Philadelphia, PA – Just a day after acquiring the Philadelphia City Paper and announcing it would shutter the publication and delete most of its archives, ownership representatives for Broad Street Media revealed they have their eyes on acquiring another Philadelphia institution.

Perry Corsetti, publisher for Broad Street Media, confirmed the company will make a serious play at acquiring the Liberty Bell. If successful, Corsetti noted the company planned to “slap some advertisements all over that bad boy.”

“Why should people get to enjoy the Liberty Bell when it’s a direct competitor to us? Sure we could leave I t like it is, people do love it, but how would that make us money? When I look at the bell, I can’t but help to think that we could bring in some fabulous revenue by selling ads on all that open space. It doesn’t matter if they’re on the front, or the cover of the bell, if you will. It’s not that big of a deal, it’s just an old, run down bell, nobody cares. We know best,” Corsetti said, dollar signs spinning through his sunken, sallow eyes.

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Kiko Alonso undergoes leg amputation, questionable for Sunday’s game

Philadelphia, PA – Mystery is still surrounding the injury status of Eagles inside linebacker Kiko Alonso, who has yet to be officially ruled out of Sunday’s game against the Washington Redskins despite undergoing an emergency amputation of his injured leg.

While having his knee scoped by Dr. James Andrews, the esteemed doctor detected massive amounts of necrosis and infection in his injured left knee and had to order an immediate amputation of the linebackers leg just above his banged up keen.

“Well, we’re going to see with Kiko. He may be able to rehab the injury, he may have to get additional surgery. We’re just not sure where he is right now,” Chip Kelly said before Thursday’s practice.

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Gregg Murphy ordered into carbonite storage for the offseason

A successful process.

Philadelphia, PA – Andy Macphail, leader of baseball operations for the Phillies, ordered Gregg Murphy to undergo a very dangerous carbonite freezing process earlier today. If successful, Murphy will spend the rest of the offseason encased in carbonite, waiting for the start of next year in suspended animation.

The newest Phillies executive ordered the carbonite freeze of Murphy as a test-trial for the rest of the broadcast team. He assured the bounty hunter that brought in the member of the Phillies announcing team he would be entirely compensated by the organization if Murphy did not survive the freezing process.

“You may take Murphy to the storage unit. He will be most safe, I assure you,” Macphail told the rest of the horrified broadcasters who watched their comrade slowly be dipped into the chamber.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. beginning to think Phillies may not bring him back next season

Philadelphia, PA – Speaking from his home, ex-Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. told reporters he was beginning to think the Phillies may not bring him back as the general manager for next season.

“I don’t want to look to into this, but after they let me go from my contract and told me they would not extend me next year, this really leads me to think I may not be back with the organization in 2016,” he said.

Amaro Jr. said he was nervous that nobody in the Phillies front office had been taking his calls since August and his official team email address had been deleted.

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Caleb Sturgis warns Eagles fan to “cool it” while he’s around

Philadelphia, PA – Newly signed kicker Caleb Sturgis had some strong words for the sometimes harsh Philadelphia Eagles fans and told them all to “preach patience” until he became familiar with the intricacies of kicking at Lincoln Financial Field.

“I know Eagles fans can be a little ‘saucy’ at times and may have a bad reputation for throwing batteries at Santa, but I’m no pushover. Just cool it with the harsh talk and potential cat calls until I get a chance to prove myself and figure out the wind patterns at the Linc.”

Sturgis then pointed his finger into the camera and gave it a stern look.

“I’m not joshing. Just try me, Eagles fans. Really, just try me. I don’t put up with any bunk.”

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