Author: BL

After Twitter rant, 76ers create “Howard Eskin safe zone” around Wells Fargo Center

Public enemy #1 at the Wells Fargo Center.

Philadelphia, PA – Scott O’Neil, Chief Executive Officer of the Philadelphia 76ers, said the team has been forced to create a “Howard Eskin free zone” around the Wells Fargo Center following the media personality’s rant on Twitter about the state of the franchise.

The 76ers perhaps took a page out of the University of Missouri’s playbook, where representatives ironically created a media-free “safe space” for student protesters, despite it being located in a public area.

“We need to be able to do our jobs without the distraction of Howard Eskin. Did you see how many tweets he levied my way this afternoon? I don’t know what to do,” a visibly shaken O’Neil said.

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Nation heavily critizing contents of 76ers red uniforms this holiday season

Philadelphia, PA – A vocal majority of basketball fans across the country are claiming the Philadelphia 76ers are “waging a war against basketball, Christmas, and all that is holy” this holiday season every time the team wears their new red uniforms.

Joshua Feuerstein, a former pastor who now calls himself a “social media personality,” has been leading a charge against the 76ers for their decision to sometimes wear red uniforms during the Christmas season.

“They’re waging a war against basketball…every time they wear those jerseys it’s an affront to the Lord and everything we love about the game,” he said. “It’s a real shame that they’re choosing to wear red, a traditional color of Christmas, and they’re this putrid of a team. Can’t they stick to their white uniforms and leave Christmas alone?”

The 76ers, 0-7 on the year, have not won a game since last March. Basketball fans cross the country have been criticizing the contents of the 76ers red uniforms so close to Christmas.

Many are calling for a boycott of the 76ers if they do not shelve the special red uniforms until after the holiday season.

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Wes Welker: ‘I should be playing for the St. Louie Hams’

St. Louis, MO – Current free-agent wide receiver Wes Welker, who enjoyed many fine years with the Patriots and Broncos before suffering several severe concussions, worked out for the St. Louis Rams today in hopes of rejuvenating his stalled career.

The 34-year-old wide receiver has worked out for several teams this year and the last, having not played a game in the NFL since 2014.

He continues to express disbelief that he is not employed by an NFL team, who may be wary of signing the once elite receiver due to his history of concussions.

“I strongly believe I should still be in the National Federation Football League. The doctors say my brain function may not do too good, but I can still catch that dogskin with the best of them. Just give me a chance and I can lead this organization in catching feet, I tell you,” He told several assembled reporters at the Rams practice facility.

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Jerry Jones: Those bruises could have been caused by anything. Greg Hardy is a good guy, YEE HAA!

Dallas, Texas – Jerry Jones, owner and GM of the Dallas Cowboys, doubled down on his support of controversial defensive end Greg Hardy this morning, just several days after Deadspin procured and released disturbing pictures of a bruised and battered Nicole Holden, a girlfriend Hardy allegedly abused during their relationship.

Jones made his comments at a press conference a day after his Cowboys dropped to 2-6, losing to the Eagles 33-27 in overtime.

“Those pictures were horrible, she looked more frightened than a steer on branding day, but we really don’t know what caused those bruises. It could have been anything…an accident, a fall, a jealous, psychotic boyfriend, who knows?” Jones said, adjusting his bolo tie during the conference. “We don’t like to throw our players under the covered wagon, so to speak. She could have fallen down the stairs for all we know.”

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76ers announce most hilarious signing of the year!

Lomax (center) has signed a one-year deal with the 76ers.

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

Having been granted a 16th roster spot for the year, the Philadelphia 76ers have rounded out their squad with a fresh, young, and hilarious new talent that will surely entertain generations to come.

The 76ers announced they have signed Bernie Lomax and his two assistants, Larry Wilson and Richard Parker, to a one-year deal.

Lomax reportedly kept Hinkie in stitches during their meeting with his fun loving attitude and humorous adventures.

Let’s go to the tale of the tape to see just how Bernie may help the team this year.

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Chip Kelly traded to Tennessee Titans for Marcus Mariota

Chip Kelly is in hell.

Philadelphia, PA – Oh sweet irony. In a plot line so hackneyed it would have been rejected by every Twilight Zone writer, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was officially traded to Tennessee early this morning. However, the head coach will not be reunited with the quarterback he coached in college and so coveted going into this year’s draft, as Kelly was traded for Marcus Mariota.

Mariota received a heroes welcome from the media this afternoon, immediately being named the starting quarterback over struggling Sam Bradford. Thousands greeted his plane on the tarmac of Philadelphia International Airport, showering the young quarterback with praise and admiration.

A taxi cab came to pick up Kelly at the Nashville International Airport and misspelled his last name with an ‘E.’

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Just sit back and enjoy each 76ers loss, the most entertaining team in the city

I’ve watched 16 minutes of the first period of the Flyers game against the Edmonton Oilers, who are 4-8, and have outshot the Flyers by 16-2 so far.

The Eagles are so bad this season the fan base practically begged the Eagles to seriously consider parting ways with draft picks to trade for Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick was benched this week in favor of backup QB Blaine Gabbert, the very same Blaine Gabbert who has thrown more interceptions in his professional career than touchdowns.

They want him to replace Sam Bradford. Bradford has the longest sleeves in the NFL. That’s the only positive you can mention about him this season.

It’s going to be a shitty winter. Perhaps Phil Connors said it best, “I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

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Despite much needed reinforcements, Lebron James’ hairline making a hasty retreat

Philadelphia, PA – Two wars were being waged Monday evening, 76ers fans noted, as Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers came into Philadelphia to take on the 76ers.

As Lebron took on the 76ers at the Wells Fargo Court, his hairline also waged battle against the ravages of age and male pattern baldness.

“What a talent, but he really needs to just give it up and shave his head already,” said Johnathan Ames, who was taking in the game with his young son. “More money than he could ever spend in one lifetime and he has the hairline of an 80 year old man. Really makes you think”

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Chip Kelly’s new house egged mercilessly for his choice of Halloween treats

Haddonfield, NJ – Less than two weeks after closing on his new home in Haddonfield, Chip Kelly is already facing sharp criticism in his Camden County Community after a number of children decided to egg his home on Halloween evening.

Word on the street in Haddonfield is that children were less than thrilled with what Kelly handed out in lieu of candy for Halloween.

“He’s what, a millionaire and he decides to hand out pennies and spinach smoothies? Come on, the only reason I went to his house was because I thought he’d at least have king size candy bars or something,” said Timothy Greene, 12, of Haddonfield, who was not surprised at the outcome. “My dad says he’s stealing millions of dollars from the team, so couldn’t he have at least used that for some candy? He got what he deserved.”

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Seize this opportunity, about-to-be-laid-off employees of the Inquirer and Daily News

The newsrooms of the Philadelphia Inquirer, Daily News and Philly.com are going to combine as part of a restructuring of the parent company, Philadelphia Media Network. Layoffs will be happening in all branches of the company, representatives reported, which is a shame because some talented reporters will be losing their jobs.

But fret not! The Coggin Toboggan, the fastest growing Philadelphia sports satire news site in South Jersey, is open to bringing in SEVERAL new writers to contribute to our brand of accurate and award winning journalism.

We’re looking for only the best, the brightest, and the most professional reporters in the area to contribute articles for our publication.

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