Philadelphia, PA – Oh sweet irony. In a plot line so hackneyed it would have been rejected by every Twilight Zone writer, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was officially traded to Tennessee early this morning. However, the head coach will not be reunited with the quarterback he coached in college and so coveted going into this year’s draft, as Kelly was traded for Marcus Mariota.
Mariota received a heroes welcome from the media this afternoon, immediately being named the starting quarterback over struggling Sam Bradford. Thousands greeted his plane on the tarmac of Philadelphia International Airport, showering the young quarterback with praise and admiration.
A taxi cab came to pick up Kelly at the Nashville International Airport and misspelled his last name with an ‘E.’
“Oh god this is my hell,” Kelly said, driving through downtown Nashville. “Who is even the quarterback here? Zach Mettenberger? Sweet Jesus. Did I die last night? Is this the punishment I must suffer through for the rest of eternity?”
Mariota has reportedly already ingratiated himself with the city of Philadelphia by spending his first three hours in the city visiting sick children at CHOP, treating the entire Reading’s Terminal to free DiNic’s roast pork sandwiches, and signing autographs outside of Independence Mall for anyone walking by.
At press time, Kelly enjoyed a meal by himself at Nashville’s only four-star restaurant, Red Robin.