Author: BL

Chip Kelly monitoring Eagles during bye week with state-of-the-art ball and chain technology

Philadelphia, PA – Ever the innovator, Chip Kelly is adding a new piece to his ever growing bag of tricks to improve his athletes’ performance on and off the field.

In addition to personally designed health smoothies, bedtime curfews, and internal health monitors, Kelly announced each member of the roster would be receiving a 45-pound ball and chain for the bye week.

“Wearing this new piece of technology is mandatory for each member of the roster. We give our players leeway to be grown men and we trust them to make smart decisions, but this will ensure they behave during the off week,” Kelly said.

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Temple Owls vs. Notre Dame Fighting Irish: A breakdown for the ages

The Coggin Toboggan prides itself on its ability to breakdown upcoming match-ups and give our readers the best in sports analysis. With the Eagles on a bye this weekend, the city is buzzing about the upcoming Temple versus Notre Dame game on Saturday night at 8 p.m.

So who has the edge? The Owls are ranked 21st in the country and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are ranked 9th, with the upstart Owls finding themselves on the national stage for the first time in decades. Are the Owls hungry enough to topple the perennial powerhouse that is Notre Dame? It’s a traditional David vs. Goliath match-up, so the the only acceptable way to predict a winner is to decide if an Owl could beat a leprechaun in a fight.

This type of professional sports analysis may be hard to follow for casual fans, so if you’re finding yourself confused at some of the technical jargon and in-depth analysis, maybe go read one of our more low-brow articles.

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Hinkie congratulates Okafor on fabulous debut, trades him to New York

Boston, Mass – Jahlil Okafor had his coming out party last night, scoring 26 points and snatching 7 rebounds in a 95-112 loss to the Boston Celtics, showcasing the offensive prowess that attracted so many teams to him in the NBA Draft.

76ers GM Sam Hinkie addressed the media after the game and was over the moon about Okafor’s performance.

“Jahlil showed everyone tonight why he had so much attention going into the 2015 draft. He absolutely dominated the low post and the center of the floor tonight, he was everything we expected and much, much more,” the beaming Hinkie said. “Which is why this next announcement is so hard for us to make.”

Hinkie revealed the 76ers traded Okafor after the game to the New York Knicks for center Lou Amundson and a second round pick in 2017.

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Greg Hardy thanks Stephen A. Smith for his support, pummels him atop pile of guns

All around good guy Greg Hardy.

Dallas, Texas – Controversial Dallas Cowboys defensive end found an ally with ESPN football analyst Stephen A. Smith Tuesday afternoon, as Smith publicly stated his support for Hardy and his role in a sideline scuffle with a Cowboys special teams coach.

Hardy, who was suspended the first four games of the season due to allegedly beating his girlfriend last year, thanked Smith for his support before picking him up over his head and callously tossing him down onto a pile of handguns and assault rifles.

“It’s nice to have someone on my side when so many people have me pegged as a thug and a miscreant,” Hardy said from his home as he rained blows down upon Smith, who was cowering atop the pile of deadly weapons. “I’d like to thank Stephen for his candor and not screaming for help loudly enough for my neighbors to hear this.”

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BREAKING NEWS: Furkan Aldemir will not leave 76ers practice facility

Philadelphia, PA – Rumors coming out of the 76ers front office today are claiming that recently cut Turkish athlete Furkan Aldemir will not leave the practice facility and has shown up for team meetings as if nothing has happened.

Aldemir showed up this morning as his confused teammates looked on, pulling an obviously homemade 76ers practice jersey over his head as he stood directly behind his old locker, which was now occupied by rookie forward Christian Wood.

“He just kind of showed up and everyone went silent. He was shaking hands with everyone as he laced up his sneakers and pulled on a jersey that said ‘Philadelfia basketbal 76erz’. He obviously made it last night, it definitely is not official. I guess he forgot he was cut? I don’t know, I’m not telling him.” the nervous Wood said after Aldemir went to use the restroom before practice.

Wood told reporters he found several scimitars, a silver carafe filled with a foreign looking bubbling substance, and several pelts of unknown animals left behind in Aldemir’s locker.

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‘I’m good to go,’ Michael Raffl declares from coma

Philadelphia, PA – Michael Raffl, who momentarily passed out on the Flyers bench Saturday night after taking an elbow directly to the jaw, has declared through a series of hand squeezes that he should be good to go for Tuesday night’s game against the Buffalo Sabres.

“Great news about Raffl. Using the classic one squeeze for yes, two squeeze for no code, we have deduced Raffl should be in the lineup this evening,” Flyers General Manager Ron Hextall said. “It’s amazing he didn’t even have a concussion.”

Raffl took an elbow directly to the jaw Saturday night during a play near the boards against the New York Rangers. The forward woozily made his way back to the Flyers bench, before collapsing and passing out. Play was halted as trainers frantically escorted the dazed and confused Raffl back to the locker room.

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Matt Klentak hires Jon Runyan for apparent “My Bodyguard” type scenario

Nerd.

Philadelphia, PA – Matt Klentak, new GM for the Philadelphia Phillies, made his first official move Monday afternoon as he announced the hiring of Jon Runyan to serve as his personal assistant and escort.

Runyan, a former member of Congress and offensive lineman for the Philadelphia Eagles, will step into the position immediately.

Several baseball analysts questioned the move as “puzzling,” but pointed to the hire as potentially mirroring the plot of the early 1980s high school movie “My Bodyguard,” starring Matt Dillon and Adam Baldwin.

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Ryan Mathews in doghouse after 63-yard touchdown run

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly benched Ryan Mathews last night during the Eagles 16-27 loss against the Carolina Panthers in favor of DeMarco Murray, who seemed a step slow all night and hesitant to hit holes opened by the Eagles meager offensive line.

The normally reserved Kelly did not shy away from media questions during his post-game press conference last night in Carolina.

“It was unacceptable. He blatantly defied orders to look confused and hesitant when he received a handoff, he didn’t fall down at the slightest bit of contact, and he didn’t meekly tip toe out of bounds five yards behind the line of scrimmage when faced with a linebacker,” Kelly said.

“It’s why he didn’t see the field for more than a few plays after that. It’s all about the system we run in Philadelphia, and he didn’t fit that tonight,” Kelly said.

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‘I am not in a gang’ reiterates DeSean Jackson as he stocks up on ammunition, guns

Washington, DC – After TMZ broke the news this morning that DeSean Jackson’s LA home was burglarized by several men with possible gang affiliation, the Washington Redskins wide receiver again made a statement that he is in no way affiliated with any gang.

“How many times do I have to say this, I am not in a gang,” Jackson said, clad all in blue clothes, as he busied himself in his Washington home gathering up various caches of ammunition he had hidden throughout his estate. “Just because I have friends who may be in a gang does not mean I’m involved in such nonsense.”

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What’s the deal with Sam Bradford and the New York Mets?!

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

For the past two weeks I’ve been up, I’ve been down, I’ve been up, I’ve been down….pick an emotional state and stick with it, Jerry! These New York Mets have taken us on a wilder ride than Larry David driving me to a gig in the early 90s high on cocaine and methamphetamine (a Yenta cocktail).

I can’t take it I tell you, I just can’t! Too much excitement! It was the separate knob. Why separate knob, why!

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