Philadelphia

Chip Kelly’s plan apparently to give Angelo Cataldi a massive stroke

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Here at the CT, we are big fans of the moves the Eagles are making (not so much the decision to not re-sign Maclin, but everything else is going fairly well). They all make sense financially, talent wise, and show a desire from the franchise to explore new options instead of doing the same things over and over again.

An added benefit of the bevy of roster moves being made by the Eagles is the effect they will have on the local media, especially one Angelo Cataldi.

We’re not huge fans of the notorious flip flopper and anything that will take an extra step into handing him a massive stroke is just fine by us.

He’s been on the air for a few hours by now. Is his speech slurred? Has he been nonsensical? Ahh perfect.

In other media news, Howard Eskin tweeted this out at 9 p.m. Sunday evening.

That’s about an hour after the news of Maclin’s plans to sign with the Chiefs was all over Twitter. Really not breaking any news there Howard.

Also, note the twitter handle. Yeah, that’s not Jeremy Maclin’s. It’s this fellows.

That’s some great reporting, Howard.

Leaked: Eagles 2015 free agent wish list

Chip Kelly must be furious this afternoon, as an anonymous Eagles front office employee has leaked a comprehensive list of available free agents who the organization will be targeting at the start of free agency on Tuesday, March 10.

The Eagles are widely expected to be one of the major players in free agency this year, as the team had over $50 million available to spend.

Here is the list of players the Eagles are reportedly going to try and ink this offseason.

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Odubel Herrera can’t wait to be overpaid by Ruben Amaro, plus other spring training notes

Clearwater, Fla – Following a stellar two game opening to the 2015 spring training, new rule 5 draft member of the Phillies Odubel Herrera told reporters through a translator that he can’t wait to have a solid year for the team, and then be promptly signed to an organization-crippling contract.

“It will be an honor to follow in the footsteps of some of the guys that have been here for years past their prime, like Ryan Howard and Chase Utley,” he said. “Hopefully the city will enjoy a few of my good years, and then curse Ruben for keeping me on far too long after my usefulness has declined.”

The speedy infield and outfielder said if fans are lucky he will be signed to a multi-year deal and promptly undergo some kind of microfracture surgery to accelerate the process.

In other spring training news:

• Mike Schmidt, who has taken Dom Brown under his wing, has mistakingly been calling the young player by the name Tom Drown all spring. Nobody has cared enough to correct him as of yet. The CT will be keeping tabs on this story as it develops.

• Darrin Ruf and Freddy Galvis reportedly had to be separated by several teammates yesterday after they were heard having a heated argument over who would be a bigger disappointment this season.

• After allowing two runs in two innings during his first appearance, Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez was placed on a wooden raft by manager Ryne Sandberg and nudged out into the ocean towards the direction of Cuba.

• Ruben Amaro reportedly lost the team’s international player signing budget after he wired $5.6 million to a “Nigerian Prince” who sent him an email in December, telling him he would place Amaro in his will for the sum of “12 MILION DOLLLARS US OF A DOLLARS” if he sent him the money through Western Union.

• Charlie Manuel, in town as a special hitting instructor for the Phillies, is still fuming after his recent betrayal at the hands of Ric Flair at last months Royal Rumble. Manuel cut several seething promos to the Nature Boy, promising him that the next time they see each other will be different.

“Naitch, listen here. I used to call you my friend, now the next time we meet I’ll be stomping a mud hole in your ass.”

Flair has yet to respond.

Confused Lesean McCoy “thrilled” to be leaving Philadelphia for warmer climate of Buffalo

Philadelphia PA – Reports coming out of Lesean McCoy’s camp have the young running back feeling a little bit better today about the trade to Buffalo, as Philadelphia is being pounded by yet another stretch of poor weather this winter.

However, when asked for a comment, McCoy reportedly said he was “thrilled to be leaving Philadelphia on a day like today when it means I’ll be playing in the temperate confines of Buffalo.”

McCoy was reportedly eagerly packing hawaiian styled shirts, shorts, and flip flops into a bag as he readied himself for his flight out of Philadelphia.

“It was a little depressed about going to Buffalo, but man, how can you not be happy to leave the city on a horrible day like today? I’ve heard Buffalo is is beautiful this time of year, warm all year round, it will be a great place to live.”

A source close to McCoy said the young running back has been eagerly googling his new hometown, but a check of his recent internet history shows that he had been wrongly searching out “Bermuda” instead of “Buffalo.”

“Gorgeous women, gorgeous beaches, gorgeous climate…how did I get so lucky?” He said, as friends debated whether or not to tell him he was mistaken.

It was ultimately determined to let him “ride out the good feelings” until his inevitable depression when he stepped off the airplane into the real Buffalo New York.

Obscure Philadelphia Athlete of the Week: Dave Babych

Dave Babych’s mustache led the league in penalty minutes in 1985.

Dave Babych, you marvelous son of a bitch. A depth defender on the Philadelphia Flyers for a season and a half, Babych’s main claim to fame on the squad was an unbelievable handlebar mustache (and a horrific lawsuit against the Flyers in 2002 that claimed a misdiagnosis of a foot injury shortened his career, but who’s counting) that he used to deter opponents due to its shear awesomeness.

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Chip Kelly: Hinkie did what? God damnit…get me Foles and a whore that can dance

Chip Kelly, perhaps gone mad with power.

Philadelphia, PA – Hearing that 76ers GM Sam Hinkie seized the spotlight again, just one day after the Eagles completed a blockbuster trade that saw franchise running back Lesean McCoy shipped to Buffalo for linebacker Kiko Alonso, Chip Kelly was seen destroying his office at the Novacare Complex in front of a cowering Howie Roseman.

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RIP Mr. Kruger: There will be no feats of strength where you’re going

Daniel Von Bargen, wondering why George would ever try and give him a fake Christmas gift.

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

In depressing news not related to anything that has to do with Philadelphia sports, Daniel Von Bargen, the actor who portrayed the gloriously hilarious Mr. Kruger on four episodes of Seinfeld, died today.

My only question is, what will happen with Kruger Industrial Smoothing now? They really botched that Statue of Liberty job (they couldn’t get the green stuff off) and took it on the chin last year, so what will happen now that their founder and CEO has passed away?

Oh well. We shall miss you, Mr. Kruger. Hopefully when you get to Heaven the “K” on the gates will have not fallen off and sound like one of those old timey car horns (K-uggggger! K-ugggger!)

Obviously God figured he could go either way on you….but they needed somebody so what the hell.

Here’s to hoping that you don’t find any pear shaped losers up there and feel the need to throw all of their stuff into the ocean.

Here’s to hoping you can spin around in your chair more than 5 times with no hands.

Here’s to hoping that nobody will give you anymore fake Christmas gifts.

Sam Hinkie: Oh, so Chip Kelly traded McCoy? We’ll see about this.

Chip Kelly’s got nothing on this stud.

Philadelphia, PA – After having the Philadelphia sports media diverted from debating the 76ers recent trades, future and direction of the franchise for just one day, Sam Hinkie simply smirked and pressed a gigantic red button affixed to his desk deep within the confines of the Wells Fargo Center during an impromptu press conference.

“So Mr. Chip Kelly thinks he can divert attention away from my beloved 76ers by making a rash decision and trading one of the most talented and popular members of the Philadelphia Eagles? Please, check the team site,” He said to a collected group of reporters. “Upon checking your iPhones, you’ll notice Nerlens Noel is no longer listed on the team roster.”

A gasp arose from the media, as the active team roster instead featured a picture of Kevin Durant wearing a 76ers jersey. A second picture had been posted to the main page of the 76ers website, prominently featuring a smiling Durant shaking Hinkie’s hand.

“Ladies, gentlemen, your newest member of the Philadelphia 76ers. This town is mine, Kelly, never forget it. You can quote that. Now get the hell out of here,” he told the assembled reporters.

The media were then ushered off of WFC property at gunpoint by Furkan Aldemir.

A Chip Kelly and Lesean McCoy play, in one act

Hey, Lesean, pssttttt…. I heard you were complaining about how bad this Winter has been in Philadelphia.

Hey coach…uhhh….I guess it’s been a bit cold, yeah, nothing too bad.

WELL ENJOY SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN BUFFALO, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YEEEEEHAAAAA!

::Wink::

Damnit.

My god, what is happening in this city. So many trades in the span of two weeks, my brain can’t handle it. Lesean McCoy to Buffalo, WHAT IS GOING ON? Kiko Alonso in an Eagles uniform, yet another Oregon player brought in my Chip? Sweet jesus…my heart can’t take this.

Tom McCarthy pleased to already be in midseason form, hated by everyone

Tom McCarthy, just one game into the Phillies 2015 season, is already hated by 95% of Phillies fan.

Clearwater, FLA – Just seven innings into the first official Spring Training exhibition match against the New York Yankees, lead television announcer Tom McCarthy said he was happy with the warmup and the general hatred being lobbed his way in the broadcasters booth.

“I’m very pleased with my progression so far. As you know, it’s not only spring training for the players, but for the announcers too,” the jovial announcer said during the seventh inning stretch. A soda from the stands was hurled into the booth, splattering the head television announcer with diet coke.

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