Philadelphia, PA – After being delivered a petition signed by thousands of Philadelphia sports fans, Pope Francis agreed to bless the knees of oft-injured Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford.
The Pope agreed to bless Bradford’s knees in a display of good humor with the ravenous sports city and its fans, who are understandably nervous going into this year’s season with the shaky Bradford.
The Pope also agreed to perform the last rites on Bradford, claiming it would likely save him time.
Maybe he’s not so bad, after all?
Dallas, Texas – Jerry Jones, the flamboyant owner and GM of the Dallas Cowboys, came out for the first time today and publicly decried the banner flown over the Eagles practice this past Sunday afternoon.
The banner, flown over Lincoln Financial Field during a public practice, displayed the message “”WE STILL DEM BOYZ!!!! #SACKSCOMIN” to the thousands of fans standing during the National Anthem.
Fan welcomed the banner with hearty boos, as expected, but Jones had a somewhat surprising reaction to the ploy by Hardy.
Jones described it as an “absolutely despicable display from Greg Hardy.”
Philadelphia, PA – Mindlessly flipping through stations last evening, Tim Brackens, 33, became inordinately excited when he stumbled upon the NFL Hall of Fame game between the Steelers and Vikings at 8:23 p.m.
Brackens experienced more joy in the first 10 seconds he watched of the first preseason game, which featured exactly zero predicted first week starters for either team, than the entire summer of Philadelphia sports put together.
“Holy shit, football! Preseason started tonight, fuck yes!” Brackens said, sitting up quickly on his couch.
Buffalo, NY – Lesean McCoy just couldn’t help himself in the first week of Buffalo Bills training camp, as the former Eagles running back opened up yet again about his perception of Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.
“I’m not saying anything, nah, I’m not saying anything at all,” McCoy said after the conclusion of yesterday’s practice. “But do you see any of the white linebackers tearing their ACLs down in Philadelphia?”
When asked what he meant by his comments, McCoy said he “didn’t have to explain myself to nobody. Nobody.”
The stunned media didn’t follow up with anymore questions, but that didn’t stop McCoy from continuing.
The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.
Philadelphia, PA – Following the news that OLB Travis Long had torn his ACL for the second time in three seasons, second year OLB Marcus Smith knew this would open doors for him in training camp.
You never want to hope for the injury of another teammate, but the opportunity is not lost on Smith.
“I can’t wait to get out on the field and show the coaches what I did over the off season,” Smith told reporters Thursday morning. “I don’t want to go too much into my training regiment, but let’s just say I got up to 20 pushups and over 50 jumping jacks at my absolute peak. Do you think anyone else here can do this?”
Oh Hitchbot, you captured our hearts with your charming wit, your warm smile, and your limbs all akimbo as you traveled through Canada and down through America.
But then, this weekend, some horrible Philadelphian decided it would be “funny” and “amusing” to give HItchBot a swift kick in the face and destroy the defenseless tuna can.
It was unconscionable.
But, all is not lost. Engineers and scientists at The Coggin Toboggan knew they had the technology to rebuild him. They had the technology and capability to make him faster and stronger.
Ladies and gentlemen, Hitchbot has been resurrected thanks to the Coggin Toboggan. Here is a video of us deploying him in the streets of South Jersey.
Philadelphia, PA – Nelson Agholor, Eagles wide receiver draft pick out of USC, expressed his excitement to finally get to camp next week and enjoy a little bit of mother nature.
“I heard they have this awesome rope swing that totally swing you out over a pond and launches you like 100 feet up into the air. I’m definitely going to do that first. And then I’m going to go over to the archery range and check that out. I bet I’ll be super, super good at it. I kick butt with my Nerf set at home,” Agholor said.
The dedicated and classy Jonathan Papelbon has been traded.
Philadelphia, PA – What will undoubtedly be remembered as one of the darkest days in Philadelphia Phillies history, franchise saves leader Jonathan Papelbon was traded yesterday to the Washington Nationals for a minor league pitcher.
Ruben Amaro, Jr. had to hold back tears at a press conference when he made the announcement to the assembled media.
“It’s…it’s tough sometimes. You try not to take things personally, but this is not easy. Jonathan Papelbon, or Paps as he liked to be called, has been traded to the Nationals,” he said. “It hurts. It really does.”
Amaro then broke down in tears as he was consoled by franchise executive Andy Macphail.
The GOAT.
Philadelphia, PA – City residents, bars, girlfriends and wives are preparing themselves for this week’s estimated “Class-5 Burrell” set to slam into Philadelphia sometime Friday evening.
Experts are predicting this year’s devastation could be the worse yet, far worse than the “Class-4 Burrell” the city experienced in October of 2008.
“The last time Pat Burrell blew into this city it took Philadelphia months to recover,” said Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz. “So much destruction. We never thought we would get back on track, but we managed to survive. Unfortunately, from our early estimations this year’s Burrell could be bigger, more destructive, and far more drunk than the Burrell we remember riding on top of the horse drawn beer cart at the 2008 World Series championship parade.”
Safe and secure, safe and secure!
Chicago – As Cole Hamels watched a rocketed fly ball travel out to centerfield, his hopes of a no-hitter hanging in the balance, Phillies announcer Tom McCarthy knew he had a job to do and knew he had to do it well, as this would be a moment for every Phillies fan to remember.
As Odubel Herrera circled back and made a sprawling catch to seal the historic moment for Hamels, TMac, as he is affectionately known by fans, knew the moment was a big one.
“I thought to myself, how can I make this a moment for fans to remember? This is a goal Cole has been trying to reach for his entire career, and I knew I had to make it special,” McCarthy said after the game. “But then I remembered we hadn’t reached our quota of New York Life commercials, so I knew what I had to do.”
The Coggin Toboggan 