Philadelphia

Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

Editor’s note: I really thought we gave up on this column? It’s evident I suck at it. Sure, we all get to have a few cheap laughs at someone’s expense, but holy shit am I awful at making these picks. If you are actually using them to make gambling decisions than you have a big, big problem. I’ll just lose you money. Don’t listen to me on anything ever. That being said….

OHHHHHH MY WHAT A DAY! The Eagles (5-7) are taking on the hated Washington Redskins (6-5-1) and their slightly better than average quarterback Kirk Cousins. YOU LIKE THAT? HUH? THAT’S RIGHT.

This week I 100% GUARANTEE TO MAKE YOU MONEY WITH OUR PICK. We have a great guest picker coming in, someone who really knows his stuff.

The Eagles are currently 1-point underdogs in their matchup. But who will make our picks this week?

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The Milwaukee Brewers selected us in the Rule 5 Draft

brewerslogoHORRENDOUS. We just got news from the Milwaukee Brewers that the organization selected the Coggin Toboggan this morning in the MLB Rule 5 draft.

I didn’t even know blogs were available to be chosen in the draft, but here we are. We are Milwaukee bound, whether we like it or not.

Fuckkkkkk me. I don’t want to move to Milwaukee. God damn us.

Brewers GM David Stearns called us to congratulate us on our new roles and advised us to bone up on our mid-western humor.

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Conshohocken Brewing announces Zach Ertz beer following success of Ghost Bear Ale
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The “Ertz Not-So Stout”

The local Conshohocken Brewing Company has made quite a splash today, as the brewery announced it would begin production on another beer brewed with a Philadelphia athlete in mind.

Beer aficionados and Philadelphia sports fans were abuzz this morning as the local brewery announced cans of its “Ghost Bear Golden Ale” would be available at several locations throughout Pennsylvania. Ghost Bear, of course, is the nickname of popular Flyers defenseman Shayne Gostisbehere.

Conshohocken Brewing Company announced it had also begun brewing a beer in honor of Eagles tight-end Zach Ertz.

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Zach Ertz on failed block attempt: ‘Saving my energy to fall down later’

ertzPhiladelphia, PA – One of many embarrassing moments from yesterday’s horrendous Eagles loss is raising the ire of Philadelphia fans on social media.

Tight-end Zach Ertz, who has garnered a reputation this season as being soft, was seen jumping out of the way, instead of trying to block, from a Bengals linebacker who was closing in on a scrambling Carson Wentz.

The play has made the rounds on Twitter, with several fans and pundits calling for Ertz to at least attempt a block instead of jumping in between two pursuing linebackers who were looking to bring down Wentz during the drive.

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Everything is better with a good Ric Flair WOOOOOOOOO
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Wooooooooooo!

Apparently the Flyers PA announcer has been piping in glorious Ric Flair WOOOOOs during stoppages of play for the past two home games. The Flyers are 2-0 in those games. Coincidence? Obviously not.

Woooooooooooooooooooooo!

There is nothing, I repeat, nothing that is not improved with a good Ric Flair woo. Think back to the time you lost your virginity (or just imagine it for those of us that have dedicated our lives to the Lord)…pretty embarrassing right? Probably not all that fun?

Well, just imagine letting out an impressive WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO instead of what you actually did (burst into tears) and it’s 100 times better, no?

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

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BREAKING NEWS: Doug Pederson tells team Nelson Agholor sent to farm upstate
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He’s living a much happier life now.

Philadelphia, PA – After several repeated inquiries from teammates and coaches prior to tonight’s game against the Green Bay Packers, Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson is reportedly telling those who ask about Nelson Agholor that the young, troubled wide receiver has been sent to live on a farm  in upstate Pennsylvania.

“We thought Nelson needed some room to run, to play, and to live free on a big lovely farm. Plenty of space for him to prance and live his life away from the prying eyes of the media and disappointed coaches,” Pederson said.

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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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We at the Coggin Toboggan hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving. Just remember, as you’re enjoying your turkey and time with family, there are those of us that are spending their Thanksgivings alone, in an empty apartment with a bottle of half-empty Wild Turkey, weeping softly to ourselves as we watch that episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air where Carlton and Hillary volunteer at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving and make complete asses of themselves.

Please enjoy some of the articles we enjoyed writing this past year.

Elated Gerald Henderson thought MVP chants were for him.

Abbot and Costello make our Eagles picks for the week.

Disappointed Ryan Howard definitely expected a car.

Deadbeat dad really going all out with upper deck Phillies tickets.

Mike Missanelli hospitalized after watching Chase Utley receive two curtain calls.

76ers already running out of victory confetti

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – After their fourth home-win in a row in the young season, the 76ers franchise is scrambling to re-stock the victory confetti it shoots out of giant cannons after every win at the Wells Fargo Center.

The organization only bought enough victory confetti to celebrate eight wins at home, an optimistic estimation by all standards prior to the beginning of the season.

“God damnit…mix in a win on the road, I do not want to have to call the supplier this early in the year, it’s going to blow our entire yearly budget,” said Thomas Kincade, 76ers Operation Manager.

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Maybe we’ll just start a politics blog instead…
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Our thoughts exactly, Greg.

At this point in the Eagles season I need to take a long, hard look at what I’m doing with my free time. Wasting four hours of my life to watch the Eagles fuck their way through an afternoon shouldn’t be an option anymore. Just imagine what I could have done with those four hours…I could have re-caulked my bathroom appliances, taken a nap, soundproofed my sex dungeon…anything would have been better than watching Nelson Agholor have a stroke on the field in front of a national TV audience.

Maybe we should slowly start transitioning ourselves over to a politics based website?

DID YOU SEE WHAT TRUMP TWEETED? What a prick! Hey, we’re halfway there.

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Ron Hextall cheers up Steve Mason, a play in several acts

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Steve, cheer up buddy. Just because you lost the game for us in the last two minutes doesn’t mean you have to be nervous about your job security.

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Thanks Ron. Tough one last night.

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Yep, exactly. Would have been much better if you had been able to shuffle your fat ass across the crease to stop the world’s slowest wraparound attempt. But yeah, don’t worry about it.

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Ron? You ok?

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No no, really, just don’t worry about it and focus on the next game and how you’ll blow it for your hard working teammates and how you’re forcing me to drink more than I want to and spend more time on the phone looking for a goalie who can stop the GODDAMN puck.

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It’s just one goal Ron, I’ll do better next game.

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I should slash you right across those weak hamstrings of yours, you piece of garbage.

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Get the fuck out of my office.