Phillies agree to sell liquor, wine, black tar heroin at CBP this year

Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Phillies announced today that all concession stands that currently serve alcohol will expand their services to include wine and hard liquor for fans.

Additionally, a gentleman named “Big” John will be selling black tar heroin within the confines of CBP, front office officials announced.

“We are always looks for new ways to make attending a Phillies game a better experience for our fans, and we feel these new offerings will really improve the ball park visit,” a source said. “We will be offering top shelf spirits, aged red/white wine, and the finest smack that money can buy.”

Fans of the drug will be able to purchase the substance from the North Philadelphia native during all home games. He will be trolling for customers behind the Phanatic Play Place from innings 1-4, and will complete the games in the mens room in section 119.

Some of “Big” John’s finest black tar heroin, which will be available at all Phillies home games this season.

“It was a fabulous business opportunity and I had to jump at the chance when approached by the Philadelphia Phillies. I’ve been looking to expand my venture and this was a perfect synergy between a depressed fanbase looking to brighten their spirits during 10-2 blowouts in early May,” Big John said.

“Big” John cut off the interview after declaring the Coggin reporter “looked like a narc.”

Furkan Aldemir records first double-double, still ignoring us

Furkan, why are you doing this to us? You put up a sterling 11 point, 10 rebound game against the Cleveland Cavaliers, one of the top NBA teams in the country, and you’re announced as the starting center for the rest of the year, yet you STILL ignore our requests for an interview.

The Coggin has been firmly behind you since your arrival to the Philadelphia 76ers so many months ago. The mystery, the intrigue surrounding you as a player was just too much to ignore. We jumped on the Furkan trade first and have been riding it to glory ever since.

Your fabulous beard, your even greater neckbeard, and a seemingly incoherent ability on the court drew us to you. But now you’re putting us all to shame, showing that you actually do belong on an NBA court. You’ve gained the trust of Head Coach Brett Brown and you’re starting EVERY game from here on out to the end of the season.

But look at this Tweet:

CogginToboggan: Feb 25

Ok, @furkanaldemir19, you’re playing hardball. so we’re centering our coverage today around YOU.

We centered an entire day’s coverage around you, Furkan! We believed in you before any of these other jamokes even knew who you were!

So lets face facts here. Don’t take this as a threat, but if you don’t eventually come on the site for one of our hard hitting and ground breaking interviews, we might have to reduce our number of articles on you to just 30 next season, instead of the seemingly thousands we wrote in the past three months.

Miles Austin fails physical to join Eagles food craft service team

Philadelphia, PA – After being transported from emergency surgery for a torn hamstring and two snapped ulnas, Miles Austin made it to Philadelphia and promptly failed a physical to join the Eagles food craft service.

Austin was brought in to fill the void created when Susie Gold retired from her longtime post at the hotdog stand in the main atrium of the stadium. It was found after a lengthy examination by team doctors that Austin could not be expected to withstand the rigors of 8 days of employment during the upcoming season.

“We found Mr. Austin could not remain standing in an upright position for 30 consecutive minutes and failed several tests to bring down a bag of hotdog buns from a supply shelf two feet over his head,” said Peter F. DeLuca, head orthopaedic surgeon for the Philadelphia Eagles. “He suffered from large spans of vertigo and asked where he was several times during the interview process.”

The deal would have brought him in to serve hotdogs for each home game at a rate of $7 per hour.

Despite failing the physical, Austin said he would not quit his dream to get back into football at any capacity.

As of press time, Austin was hit by a hot dog bun delivery truck as he left the stadium.

Breaking: Everything on Miles Austin

Philadelphia, PA – Oft injured wide receiver Miles Austin was scheduled to visit the Eagles brass this afternoon as part of a potential signing. However, he never even made it on the plane, as he tore both hamstrings after he stepped on the tarmac.

As he writhed on the tarmac, he was accidentally run over by a distracted airline employee driving a luggage truck to a departing flight. Austin apparently suffered snapped ulnas in both arms as he tried to shield himself from the oncoming vehicle.

Austin was also doused with 65 gallons of human excrement as a nearby plane accidentally released its latrine containers on the runway.

An employee described the scene as “humorous” in a “human misery type of way.” Emergency responders could only attempt to stifle chuckles as they scraped Austin off of the tarmac.

Upon hearing the news, Sam Bradford promptly dislocated both elbows and fell down a 55 foot flight of stairs.

Alonzo Mourning confirms ‘who wants to sex Mutombo’ anecdote: “He did fuck me”

A reflective, wonderful memory shared this morning by Alonzo Mourning.

In a taped segment of Highly Questionable, hosted by Dan LeBetard, former Miami Heat center Alonzo Mourning confirmed the infamous Dikembe Mutombo “Who wants to sex Mutombo” anecdote that the famed NBA center denied happened last year.

As the story goes, when attending Georgetown University during his college days, Dikembe Mutombo burst into a club and loudly proclaimed to the throngs of co-eds, “Who wants to sex Mutombo?” The story spread throughout the country and was a popular urban legend, until Mutombo himself proclaimed last year that it never happened.

But today, Alonzo Mourning said, yes, it absolutely 100% took place when the two were at Georgetown.

“Oh I can confirm that it did happen. Absolutely. I can prove it because it was me that Mutombo took back into an empty room at that club and made sweet, sweet love to,” he said, live on air this morning. “He did fuck me. I hesitate to be crass, because it was a wonderful, touching moment between two men, but he did indeed fuck me and he did indeed coerce me into bed with that charming saying.”

Stunned by the revelation, LeBetard failed to ask Mourning a follow up question.

A very tender lover.

Mourning described the moment as “touching and tender” and applauded Dikembe for guiding him through the erotic man on man moment.

“He taught me everything I know today as a lover. I can still feel his breath on my neck,” Mourning said, a wistful look in his eyes.

Mourning expressed no regrets at the moment, but did say he was disappointed that Mutombo never called him after that night.

The people have spoken

Philadelphia, PA – Well, that’s it folks. After a day of polling, the people of Philadelphia have determined that the mere THOUGHT of petting this puppy has trumped the idea of watching the 2015 Phillies.

And really, who can blame the people who voted for the puppy. I mean, just look at this little guy. Who’s a good boy, who’s a good boy? Yes, yes you are a good boy!

Awwwwwwww!

Of course it’s easy to think about petting a puppy over the 2015 Phillies. They’re going to win 70 games at most this summer and devoted fans will have the privilege of watching once great players like Chase Utley and Ryan Howard playing at 50% of their normal capacity until they’re inevitably traded midway through the season.

But that little guy? He’ll give you 10 to 12 years of joy until you have to pull a Marley and Me on him, mourn for about two months, and then get another one.

Fuck the Phillies. Puppies all the way.

Ruben Amaro Jr. wondering if his Super Bowl tickets purchased from Don Tollefson are still coming

He looks like a trustworthy guy.

Philadelphia, PA – Speaking to reporters this afternoon, Ruben Amaro Jr. openly worried if Don Tollefson’s recent jail sentencing will in any way affect the delivery of his Super Bowl tickets.

Amaro Jr. revealed he purchased two VIP, full access tickets to Super Bowl 50 at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., next year. He purchased the tickets for $20,000 each from Tollefson’s charity foundation last month.

“I heard he was just sentenced to jail for 2 to 4 years. Wow, I hope this has nothing to do with his charity, I wonder what happened?” Amaro said. “I still haven’t gotten those tickets from Don yet, he said they would be delivered this past weekend, but I haven’t seen them yet.”

Tollefson, of course, was sentenced to prison for taking hundreds of thousands of dollars from area residents who purchased tickets or VIP meet and greets from the embattled sports broadcaster.

Tollefson did not deliver on the majority of the purchases and bilked thousands of dollars from sports fans in the name of his charity.

“I just wonder if my tickets are going to get here this weekend or the next. I paid an extra $10,000 per ticket for all access, which Don told me would get me into the lockers rooms and even the huddles on field during the big game. I had no idea that was even a possibility, I can’t wait for that game!” Amaro Jr. said.

As of press time, Amaro Jr. was still waiting by mailbox for the postman to arrive.

The CT Poll: What is more exciting, the thought of petting this puppy or the 2015 Phillies?

Once again, we here at the Coggin Toboggan are searching long and hard, questioning the electorate, and picking the brains of our readership as we bring another hard hitting question to the masses.

With the 2015 Major League Baseball season soon to be upon us, we ask you, our dear readers, which is the most exciting prospect: The 2015 Philadelphia Phillies season or the mere thought of petting this adorable little puppy? It’s an extremely scientific poll that will absolutely dictate CT coverage over the summer, so please take this very, very seriously.

How can you resist that punim?!

Boo.

Awwww look at that face? Who’s a good little boy? Yes, yes you are!

We’ll check back in later to see the results. Do the right thing Philadelphia, I know I would.

Charlie Manuel officially on the Road to Wrestlemania, gets match with Ric Flair

Yeeeee ha!

Philadelphia, PA – Hoping to avenge his loss at Royal Rumble after longtime friend Ric Flair betrayed him and eliminated him in the titular match, former Phillies manager Charlie Manuel was able to coerce a last-second match with the Nature Boy in Sunday’s Wrestlemania 31.

Manuel appeared on two days ago on WWE’s Monday Night Raw, carrying a handcuffed Ashley Flair out to the middle of the ring. Taking up the house mic, Manuel pointed a baseball bat at Flair’s daughter, threatening to “send her brains all through this ring” if he didn’t appear and accept Manuel’s challenge.

“Naw, I don’t want to do it, Naitch, but you’ve left me no choice,” He said, taking up a stance and readying the bat at her head. “You come out here right now and lets talk about what I want…a Hell in the Cell match at Wrestlemania. You brought this on yourself, Ric, now get out here.”

Moments before the bat could come crashing down on Ashley’s skull, Flair’s patented theme music blared throughout the arena, and the Nature Boy strutted out through the curtain and came to the ring.

“Now, now just hold on a minute Charlie. Lets not do something you’ll regret later,” Flair said, as he addressed the longtime Phillies manager. “You know and I know that you don’t have the stones to do that to Ashley. You were at her christening, you’re her godfather, you wouldn’t do that to her. Stop embarrassing yourself out here.”

Wooooooooooo!

Manuel, seemingly defeated, slumped his shoulders and looked towards the mat. Perhaps buoyed by the chants of Charlie ringing out through the stands, the manager rose the bat and brought it down directly on Flair’s head, dropping the “dirtiest player in the game” into a heap.

Manuel circled Flair as he recovered and slapped the Nature Boy’s iconic Figure Four leg lock on his onetime best friend.

“Accept the match or I’ll break your damn legs!” He screamed, tightening the hold, finally forcing the Nature Boy to agree to the Hell in the Cell match at WWE’s biggest pay per view of the year.

“That’s what I like to hear, I’ll see you on Sunday you son of a bitch!” Manuel yelled, dropping the microphone, as he walked out of the arena to thunderous applause.

The two will headline the event after the world heavyweight title match this weekend.

Josh Innes brilliantly breaks down Jimmy Rollins’ statements, farts long, hard into microphone

Philadelphia, PA – 94 WIP sports talk host Josh Innes took to the airwaves yesterday to discuss the recent statements of Jimmy Rollins, former Philadelphia Phillies. Innes calmly and eloquently broke down Rollins’ statements about Philadelphia not appreciating the dynamic he had with the fans, presenting a rationale argument for each of his talking points.

“He was never a superstar. He was a great player, but never a superstar, and it just shows you where his head is at if he’s describing himself as such,” Innes said. “It’s absurd for him to make these statements about his prowess as a player, but he does raise some valid points about the people of Philadelphia possibly holding him to a higher standard than other players on those great teams, like Chase Utley or Ryan Howard.”

Innes then lowered his microphone to his buttocks and flatulated into the live mic for 15 seconds.

“It seems as if he’s directly comparing himself to Chase Utley. He may be jealous of the attention and free pass Utley has gotten from fans for all these years. Can you really blame him?” Innes said, before bending over and sticking the microphone between his legs to let out several small, machine gun blasts of flatulence.

Bruno nodded along in agreement with Innes, and punctuated the end of the segment with a few quick sprays of Febreeze throughout the studio.

“Well, tomorrow on the show we’ll have former United States Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice on with us. She’ll be discussing the state of pro football with us, she’s a huge fan, Tony, and she’ll be sharing her thoughts with us on the turmoil in the Middle East,” he said. “Plus, we’ll have 5 strippers in here from Club Risque and we’ll be playing a round of our patented game, Bologna tits. 10 slices, 10 breasts, 10 throws. Should be a great show.”

The Coggin Toboggan

The finest Philadelphia sports blog spewed from the mind of an alcoholic