Philadelphia strippers relieved to have most embarrassing day of the year finally over

The worst moment of any stripper’s career…being a Wingette.

Philadelphia, PA – Strippers throughout the Delaware Valley were able to breathe a sigh of relief this morning after Wing Bowl 25 finally came to a merciful close. The annual eating event has long been described as the most “embarrassing and humiliating” day of the year for women who take their clothes off for money in Philadelphia.

City gentlemen clubs have provided their employees as “Wingettes” for the annual event, much to the horror of the women who actually have to attend Wing Bowl.

(more…)

Rejoice, Wing Bowl fans! Cataldi didn’t see the shadow of his neck jowls!

cataldi Rejoice, Wing Bowl fans! Your celebratory day of binge drinking at 5 a.m., watching obese men and Asian women eat chicken wings until the point of death, and screaming “SHOW US YOUR TITS” at Delaware Valley strippers is safe for another six years.

Thousands gathered in front of the Wawa on 9th and Walnut to celebrate the 25th annual Jowl Day Tradition. As legend has it, if noted flip-flopper and slob Angelo Cataldi comes out of the Wawa after gorging himself on sticky buns and Butterscotch Krimpets and sees the shadow of his impressive neck jowls, he’ll retreat back into the convenience store and Wing Bowl will be cancelled for the next six years. If the gin-soaked host does not see his neck jowl shadow, Wing Bowl is safe for another six years.

(more…)

Is it too late to get that Breakfast on Broad mug I was promised MONTHS AGO?

bob2 By now you’ve probably heard that the cornerstone of morning sports shows in Philadelphia, Breakfast on Broad, may be on its last legs. WHAT A FALL FROM GRACE!

Young, dynamic hot shot Rob Ellis overwhelmed the hearts and minds of this city 20 months ago. Not a single pair of soccer mom panties weren’t SOPPING after Ellis invaded their kitchen nooks each morning. The ladies swooned, the men wished they were him, and the city was his oyster.

(more…)

2017 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble

2258_-_logo_royal_rumble_wwe-jpeg This Sunday the WWE is hosting the best pay-per-view it puts on every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts. For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

Last year, we decided to hold our own back lot ALL-PHILADELPHIA Royal Rumble, which resulted in some shocking moments, about 45 concussions and three pending lawsuits against this blog.

It was an all out slobber knocker, but when the methamphetamine dust finally settled in the ring, the Philadelphia Phanatic had punched his ticket and won the inaugural event.

It was such a success that we’re hosting it again this year and opening it up to EVERYONE in Philadelphia. Last year we limited the event to just media, bloggers and coaches in the city of brotherly love, but this year it’s going to be unchained and unfettered.

Dangerous? You bet! A waste of everyone’s time? Of course!

But to hell with it, let’s do it all again for 2017. We’ve identified 25 competitors, written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2017 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble.

(If you want to get caught up on the action from last year, you can read the story here.)

(more…)

Greg Lewis beginning to suspect he was hired by Andy Reid purely to courier food to Kansas City

Philadelphia, PA – The newly hired wide receivers coach for the Kansas City Chiefs Greg Lewis shook his head as he looked at yet another text from his new boss, head coach Andy Reid, as he packed up the last of his belongings to move out to Kansas City.

Lewis showed the latest text to a Coggin Toboggan reporter, which simply read, “10 cases of Butterscotch Krimpets + three pallets of Sarcone’s hard rolls.”

(more…)

Howie Roseman clarifies reason for Eric Rowe trade: “I didn’t like his jerk-off face”

102813-howie-roseman-600 Philadelphia, PA – Howie Roseman commented on his controversial decision to trade cornerback Eric Rowe to the New England Patriots prior to the start of the 2016-2017 season this morning during an appearance on the 94 WIP Morning Show with Angelo Cataldi.

Roseman noted he felt as if he should give the fans an explanation of why Rowe, a second year cornerback that has found success with the Super Bowl bound Patriots, was traded for a 2018 4th round draft pick.

(more…)

Trump spends inauguration praising decision to keep Joel Embiid out of NBA all-star game

Trump on his inauguration day.

Washington, DC – Donald Trump’s presidency has already started off on a controversial foot, as the president-elect spent an inordinate amount of time during the ceremony and Oath of Office praising the decision to keep the 76ers talented, young center Joel Embiid off of the Eastern Conference’s all-star roster.

Trump ensured an awkward beginning to his term during the Oath of Office, when he decided it necessary to tack on a comment to end of the sacred oath.

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, and to uphold the will of the people to keep Joel Embiid out of the 2017 NBA All-Star game,” Trump said, as a murmur spread through the near 800,000 witnesses to the inauguration.

His comment was forgotten quickly, however, as those in attendance believed they misheard the 45th President’s comments.

(more…)

Curt Schilling blames “BallGate” for not being elected to MLB Hall of Fame

curt-schilling-transgender-espn Boston, Mass. – Human meme and Alt-Right fan Curt Schilling took to his social media accounts yesterday after news broke that the prolific pitcher had not been elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Schilling, whose career is certainly worthy of HOF election but may have ruffled too many feathers with his outspoken personality, pointed to a conspiracy theory unearthed from Hillary Clinton’s leaked emails as the driving force behind his denial into the Hall.

Schilling fired off several tweets referencing “BallGate,” which he claimed was a malicious and widespread plan to ban him from baseball by Hillary Clinton for his criticism of the former Democratic presidential candidate.

The evidence, he said, could be found everywhere in the Clinton emails WikiLeaks made public this prior year.

(more…)

Special Guest Columnist: Is OJ Innocent? Of course the Juice is innocent!

The Juice is loose! The Juice is loose! mte5ndg0mdu1mti5ndu4mtkx I’m just kidding, folks, they’re never going to let me out of here. It’s great to talk to everyone again and address what everyone in America is talking about…Investigation Discovery’s new blockbuster series, “Is OJ Innocent? The Missing Evidence.”

What a series! Pulling in just over 25 million viewers a night, or so I assume, and letting them know the real story of how Nicole met her untimely end. The Juice has been saying all along that there’s missing evidence, and color me surprised when the television network went ahead and made a new series based on JUST THAT without even talking to me first! They must have some real, ground breaking missing evidence that will get the Juice off the hook for that nasty little rumor that has dogged me for the last two decades.

I can’t wait to get back to my life and be welcomed with open arms after everyone sees this series…the Juice is back!

(more…)

Friday the 13th Part 2, in 3D! Who lives, who dies?

Elite strength and height, but need to work on speed to reach his potential.

Two years ago, The Coggin Toboggan delved into a fabulous question on Friday the 13th…which Philadelphia sports figure would survive if he or she found themselves in the Friday the 13th horror series?

Well guess what, it’s Friday the 13th and Jason Voorhees is out there, somewhere, in wait with his machete and shining up his hockey mask real nice to create some havoc in the City of Brotherly Love.

Like every great series, the sequel is BIGGER AND BETTER than the original, so let’s take a look at some Philadelphia sports figures and see if they would survive in a Friday the 13th movie, and if they don’t we’ll take a look at how they would meet their maker in a old-school 3D horror movie.

(more…)