Author: BL

Fat, ugly old man expresses displeasure at SI Swimsuit plus-size model
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Gahhhhhh!

Ghoulish, gargoyle-like radio host Angelo Cataldi expressed his utter disappointment at Sports Illustrated’s decision to place plus-size model Ashley Graham on the cover of its annual swimsuit edition during a segment of the WIP Morning show today.

Clutching a microphone in his liver spotted, gnarled hand, Cataldi wondered as to how this may have happened.

Cataldi discussed the publication’s decision to put Graham on the cover, spitting tiny flecks of his morning repast over his microphone cover, filling the studio with his halitosis  as he decried the state of the publication’s once revered swimsuit issue.

The ghastly looking host leered at several young female interns and remarked how he would much rather see them in a bikini over Graham, as he picked at several scabs on his dry scalp before concluding his show.

At press time, Cataldi asked his co-hosts if they thought Graham had any respect for her own body, while at the same time he eagerly picked off a fungus ridden toenail that had been “hanging on by a thread” for the past several weeks.

President Obama appoints Philadelphia Phanatic to Supreme Court
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The newest Supreme Court Justice.

Washington, DC – Despite saying he would take his time to appoint a replacement for recently deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Barack Obama announced today that the Philadelphia Phanatic would be appointed to the highest court in the country.

It comes as a surprise to many political pundits who noted Obama would likely wait a month or two to select a candidate for the position.

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Nerlens Noel takes Canadian girlfriend out for third Valentine’s Day in a row

NBA: Boston Celtics at Philadelphia 76ersPhiladelphia, PA – For the third Valentine’s Day in a row, 76ers center Nerlens Noel turned down Valentine’s Day plans with his teammates to take out his “smoking hot girlfriend from Quebec” for a romantic night out.

Noel said he and “Suzie” had dinner reservations at Fork in Old City for 7 p.m. and then would likely retire to his Philadelphia apartment for a “serious make-out sesh.”

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After scoring first goal, RJ Umberger falls through ice
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Moments before RJ Umberger skated towards thin ice at the Wells Fargo Center.

Philadelphia, PA – The bad luck streak continued for snake bitten Flyers forward RJ Umberger last night, even after he scored his first goal of the season and his first goal in more than a year.

Umberger, perhaps distracted by his celebration, did not heed warnings from his teammates and skated perilously close to a notorious section of weak ice at the Wells Fargo Center.

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REPORT: 76ers jealous of Sacramento Kings stability

nerlens-noel-pacersPhiladelphia, PA – After blowing a late fourth quarter loss to the Sacramento Kings, several members of the 76ers looked longingly towards the Kings bench and wondered what it would be like to be part of a stable franchise.

The Kings are currently nine games under .500.

“Look at them. One star center, a few complimentary pieces, it must be nice to play in Sacramento day in and day out,” Jahlil Okafor said of the Kings, who for the past month have publicly leaked reports about firing despised veteran head George Karl and have players openly rebel against the franchise.

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Breakfast on Broad spec script, my ticket to the bigs
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Now we’re in the big time.

So we’re about a year and change into the Coggin Toboggan and I have to admit that I figured by now I would be living the high life. Fame, fortune, women….oh my goodness the women, nothing turns a woman on more than a man who runs a successful blog.

But here we are and nothing has changed. Sure I live in a lovely home, have a great wife and a kid on the way, but somethings missing.

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BREAKING: Champagne argument touched off Lesean McCoy fight at Recess
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McCoy reportedly enjoys a Louis Roederer to a G.H. Mumm.

Philadelphia, PA – Reports flooding into the Coggin this morning are pointing to an argument over purchased champagne between McCoy and two off-duty officers at the nightclub Recess in South Philadelphia that started a massive brawl between the two groups, which may see charges pressed against the Buffalo Bills running back.

According to eyewitness reports, McCoy and the officers argued over the purchased champagne at the nightclub when the former Eagles running back mocked the officers for their choice of “brutish” champagne glasses they selected to enjoy their Dom Perignon.

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Peyton Manning rides hearse off into the sunset
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Classy exit from this world.

San Francisco, Ca – Saying it was about time he “hit that old, dusty trail,” Peyton Manning cleaned out his locker, said goodbyes to his teammates, and rode a hearse off into the San Francisco sunset.

The 39-year-old quarterback has hinted to several close friends that this Super Bowl may be his last game, but few figured Manning would make the important decision moments after winning Super Bowl 50.

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WINGETTE RIOT UPDATE: Mayor Kenney orders implosion of WFC
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All that remains of the Wells Fargo Center.

Philadelphia, Pa – The Wingette Riot of 2016 has ended following orders from new Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney to implode the Wells Fargo Center, sealing the violent Wingettes in a tomb of rubble and chicken wings for all eternity.

The implosion commenced after a Philadelphia SWAT team determined the scene was too violent and dangerous to enter. All Wing Bowl attendees were evacuated before the Wells Fargo Center was demolished.

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UPDATE: Wingettes have rioted at Wing Bowl, hundreds feared dead
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Scene inside Wing Bowl 24 as the Wingettes continue their cocaine riot.

Philadelphia, PA – Tragedy has struck Wing Bowl 24, as the Wingettes in attendance at the annual Philadelphia eating event have violently revolted against the show and are participating in an all out riot due to the lack of cocaine available, according to a Coggin Toboggan source.

The Wingettes reportedly fashioned crude molotov cocktails out of PJ Whelihan’s wing sauce and have been lobbing them into the crowd and the stage of competitive eaters, badly burning thousands in attendance and likely killing hundreds.

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