Sports Illustrated

I may have found the most incorrect analysis of Ben Simmons’ game ever written

I’m not a huge fan of looking back at old predictions or player analyses and mocking them for how incorrect they turned out to be (unless they come from @OldTakesExposed, then they’re just hilarious).

Everyone is wrong once in a while, and when it’s your job to be in the prediction business you’re going to vomit out a clunker every now and again.

Fuck, the other day I looked back at some old Facebook memories where I was VEHEMENTLY defending Evan Turner to a friend, claiming that his “world class defense” made up for his “struggling, but growing offensive capabilities.”

OH, and also claiming that Evan Turner would have a “much, much more accomplished career” than Demarcus Cousins.

The moral of the story is, and always will be, that I am a complete moron.

But I found one analysis written about Ben Simmons after the 76ers selected him as the #1 pick in the 2016 draft. It’s so horrendously wrong that it boggles the mind. Did the author get the numbers of the jerseys incorrect? Did he think he was watching Simmons the entire season, when he was really watching Tim Quarterman or Keith Hornsby?

Here’s what David Gardner, a Staff Writer for Bleacher Report, said of Ben Simmons:

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Jowly man with thinning hair plugs also does not care for SI Swimsuit plus-size model

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Philadelphia, PA – Continuing a long established tradition of ugly as sin radio hosts having problems with attractive plus-size models being on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, jowly senior-citizen Mike Missanelli today decried the fact that Ashley Graham DARED to appear on the hallowed ground that is the SI Swimsuit cover.

The sunken eyed goon went on the rant against Graham during his 97.5 Fanatic afternoon show just hours after the ghoulish, gargoyle like Angelo Cataldi said virtually the same thing during his morning show on 94 WIP.

Citing that he could see “curvy women at work,” Missanelli worked himself into a froth as his mighty jowls audibly slapped against his double chin during the segment. The wrinkled mass of cellulite and gabagool said it was disrespectful to the history of the SI swimsuit issue, while his turkey neck swung hypnotically for all to see.

Onlookers noted clumps of Missanelli’s cheap hair plugs began to fall out all over his desk and microphone during the rant.

At press time, Missanelli said SI should adhere to higher standards and respect themselves more in the future, while simultaneously sending a homophobic email to a critic and another series of sexist tweets to Michelle Beadle.

Fat, ugly old man expresses displeasure at SI Swimsuit plus-size model

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Gahhhhhh!

Ghoulish, gargoyle-like radio host Angelo Cataldi expressed his utter disappointment at Sports Illustrated’s decision to place plus-size model Ashley Graham on the cover of its annual swimsuit edition during a segment of the WIP Morning show today.

Clutching a microphone in his liver spotted, gnarled hand, Cataldi wondered as to how this may have happened.

Cataldi discussed the publication’s decision to put Graham on the cover, spitting tiny flecks of his morning repast over his microphone cover, filling the studio with his halitosis¬† as he decried the state of the publication’s once revered swimsuit issue.

The ghastly looking host leered at several young female interns and remarked how he would much rather see them in a bikini over Graham, as he picked at several scabs on his dry scalp before concluding his show.

At press time, Cataldi asked his co-hosts if they thought Graham had any respect for her own body, while at the same time he eagerly picked off a fungus ridden toenail that had been “hanging on by a thread” for the past several weeks.