So we’re about a year and change into the Coggin Toboggan and I have to admit that I figured by now I would be living the high life. Fame, fortune, women….oh my goodness the women, nothing turns a woman on more than a man who runs a successful blog.
But here we are and nothing has changed. Sure I live in a lovely home, have a great wife and a kid on the way, but somethings missing.
But HEY, you know what they tell you, you have to make your own breaks in life, or at least that’s what the people I randomly call at 4 a.m. each night tell me. In between my sobs and threats of physical violence, these do gooders say, “Hey, if you’re going to complain and call me at all hours of the night, you should do something to improve your life and consult a doctor because you obviously need to be heavily medicated.”
Well, guess what tough guy, I’m already heavily medicated, but you are correct that I need to do something to really take this website and my career to the next level.
I’ve got five words for you….
BOOM. What could be better to show my talents at writing than crafting an episode of the acclaimed early morning talk show staring the dynamic Rob Ellis.
Good lord it’s perfect. ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. So when this catches on I can’t wait to leave all you suckers behind and live the good life. Getting up at 5 a.m. to write vanilla jokes for a cut rate morning show? BOOM. It doesn’t get much better than that.
So here we are people. This is a segment for Breakfast on Broad that I feel will really lift them and myself to the big time.
:::Fades into the show, finding our hosts on a set built in the parking lot of the Ikea on Delaware Avenue::
Rob Ellis: It’s Breakfast on Broad time, coming at you LIVE from our remote studios at the Ikea on Delaware Avenue, where all of your Fyrkantigs are Philadelphia Eagles approved! Great show coming up today. At the top of the 7 a.m. hour we’re going to have on a dog that looks exactly like Doug Pederson, should be a great segment.
Barrett Brooks: That is one hot dog! Think he’ll come on the show with his own mustard?
Jillian Mele: Woah, ease up there Barrett, we’re on the Comcast Network, are you sure you can say that?
Rob Ellis: Lets stay on track gang, remember, we’re at the Ikea this morning on Delaware Avenue, where all of your Riktig Oglas will be half priced for the remainder of the show if you answer our Breakfast on Broad Blitzing Bob’s query of the day! Today is national pizza day, so what’s your favorite topping? Let us know and we may highlight your answer on our Twitter Featurette of the day. If it’s good stuff, you’ll definitely be in the mix to go into the Rita’s Italian Water Ice Hopper to win some great gifts, including a $25 gift certificate to Chickie and Pete’s Crab House for some mediocre, overpriced pub food.
Barrett Brooks: Has to be pepperoni, am I right?
Jillian Mele: Save it for the top of the hour, Barrett. Lets see how Sarah is doing down at the WaWa on Market Street, where she is every Wednesday for our Wacky WaWa Wednesday Waffle giveaway, Sarah?
Sarah Baicker: It’s a great morning here on Market street, where disinterested Philadelphians are rightfully suspicious about a random stand set up on the street giving away free waffles at 6 a.m. Not exactly sure what this has to do with sport, Jillian, but as you know WaWa is a sponsor, so we pretty much do what they tell us too!
Rob Ellis: Calm down you two! Before we get there, lets check out the WB Mason Web Mail of the Day. This one comes from Bob L. across the river in South Jersey, lets see what he has to say, I bet it’s going to be BEAST mode. “Hey Rob, back when you started the show you offered free BOB mugs to everyone who sent your producers an email. I never got my mug. How does it feel to be a complete hack who promises thing he can’t….deliver….and how does it feel to be hosting a trite morning show after being shit canned by 94 WIP in favor of a bloated racist like Josh Innes…”
Seriously? Guys, this is the Web mail of the day? How does this get by the producers? Are you fucking kidding me?
Jillian Mele: Rob, maybe we should take it to commercial…
Rob Ellis: NO….NO JILLIAN. I’m the only one who can throw it to commercial. This show has been slip shod from the beginning, just SLIP SHOD. This guy gets his email on air, seriously? I’M WORKING WITH A BUNCH OF FUCKING AMATEURS.
Barrett Brooks: Rob you have to calm down man.
Rob Ellis: Shut your mouth, Brooks. Just shut it. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of this city, sick of sports, sick of these horrendous sponsorship’s. John’s Roast Pork check of the game?! What does roast pork have to do with hockey. GOD DAMNIT.
::throws microphone to the ground of the Ikea parking lot and walks off set::
And scene. Now that is a winning episode, am I right? I smell Daytime Emmy.
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