Author: BL

Where I apply to be the next head coach for the University of Wisconsin

2000px-university_of_wisconsin_waving_w-svgToday, the University of Wisconsin published a job opening on its school website advertising for a new head coach of the university’s men’s basketball team.

Bo Ryan, longtime coach, announced his retirement earlier this season. I’ve had my eye on the job opening for a while now, but the university never made its search official.

Until today.

Now, I’ve always wanted to dabble in coaching a Division I NCAA basketball team. How hard can it be? Organize a few layup drills, see if everyone can make a left-handed layup, teach them my famous crab defense…100% guarantee I can take this program to a minimum of nine Final Fours in the next 10 years.

I play basketball every Thursday night with a number of skilled athletes, many of whom are under the age of 70. Don’t let their age fool you, though, they’re crafty and only one has dropped dead on the court in my entire time playing in the pickup game.

Previously I played ORGANIZED basketball in a highly competitive South Jersey youth league during my younger years. Do you think just anybody can hack it on those mean courts of South Jersey? Some of those hoops didn’t even have NETS on them, can you even picture that?

Here’s the posting.

I think I should go through this and see if I’m qualified for the job. I obviously am, but you don’t go into a job interview with a cocky mindset.

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Confused NFL prospect Christian Hackenberg only asked questions about Gods of Egypt at combine
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Gods of Egypt fan #1.

Indianapolis, Indiana – Penn State quarterback and NFL prospect hopeful Christian Hackenberg expressed extraordinary confusion at the conclusion of the combine interview, as the 21-year-old athlete said he was only asked questions about the major motion picture “Gods of Egypt,” which opened nationwide today.

The Penn State product could only shake his head as he readied himself for the rest of the weekend, hoping the movie would not come up  again.

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DeMeco Ryans classily keys thank you note into side of Howie Roseman’s car
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A real class act.

Philadelphia, PA – A class act until the end, Eagles defensive leader DeMeco Ryans keyed a long and thankful note into Executive Vice President of Football Operations Howie Roseman’s car after he learned of his release from the team Wednesday afternoon.

The thre paragraph note was crudely scratched into the side of Roseman’s 2015 BMW 320i xDrive, which has an MSRP of $35,000, thanking the organization for the past four seasons.

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Ryan Howard figures 1 more year of stealing sunflower seeds, Bazooka Joe should just about do it
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Coming to grips with the end of a career filled with success, stealing items from the Phillies.

Clearwater, Fla – Coming to grips with reality that his best years are behind him, Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard expressed his tremendous gratitude to the Phillies for allowing him another season in the sun and an opportunity to hoard barrels of free sunflower seeds and Bazooka Joe gum.

The 11-year veteran had a smile on his face as he participated in a spirited round of pepper with his teammates, the sun on his face, and a cheek filled to the brim with Ranch flavored sunflower seeds.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. grateful for chance to be despised by entirely new fan base
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The new Red Sox first base coach is already looking to make a mark in the city.

Boston, Mass  – Speaking to media during his first spring training with the Boston Red Sox, new first base coach and former Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. expressed excitement at a new start with a new franchise.

Amaro Jr. said he was most excited to have the opportunity to “fail miserably” and “have a whole new fan base despise me for an entirely new reason.”

“I’m grateful for this opportunity to alienate myself and have the good people of Boston absolutely come to hate me in the next several year. It should be a wild ride,” Amaro Jr. said, picking up a foul ball and whipping it towards David Ortiz, whose back was turned to the interview.

The Red Sox announced Ortiz would miss the first three months of the season with a concussion.

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Report: Boston Celtics asked “moon and the stars” for Jahlil Okafor

lee_ainge2_sptsPhiladelphia, PA – Boston Celtics president Danny Ainge confirmed over the weekend that he participated in discussions with 76ers GM Sam Hinkie that would have brought Jahlil Okafor to Boston.

Ainge, however, said the 76ers asked for the “moon and the stars” in return for the young, promising center.

“They wanted no draft picks, no players, Sam asked for something much different. All Sam asked in return for Jahlil was a poem that he said ‘would fill his cold heart with the human spirit’ and make him feel the ‘warmth of the human spirit’ in a harsh world,” Ainge said.

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John Smallwood blames trade deadline failure on those damned millennials

6a0120a6dde087970b0148c8734ba6970c-800wiPhiladelphia, PA – Daily News columnist and reporter John Smallwood continued his tirade against young whippersnappers today when he placed the blame for the inactivity of the 76ers front office at the NBA trade deadline squarely at the feet of “those damned millennials” in this city.

“God damn millennials ruining sports in this town. All they care about is smoking that reefer and playing with their X-Stations and Play Boxes, they’re to blame for the state of my beloved 76ers. Why would the franchise do anything if these kids don’t care about wins and losses? I’d give my soul to go back to the days when the Sixers were a 7th or 8th seed each season and lost 4-1 to the Heat each year. Now THAT was basketball.”

“Sure they always lost and were lost in a stagnant quagmire with no hopes of improvement, but let me tell you that one win each playoff series when Lebron James was focusing on the next round was SWEET. IT WAS SWEET. It’s not always about championships, they respected the game. You have to learn to love the journey, not the destination.”

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Josh Harris orders thawing of Jerry Colangelo for trade deadline advice
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A tortured soul.

Philadelphia, PA – Josh Harris summoned his closest advisors and 76ers scientists/technicians before deciding the time was right to order the thawing of cryogenically preserved Jerry Colangelo.

Harris decided the aged Colangelo’s wisdom was invaluable during this pivotal NBA trade deadline and would be worth the risk to go against the laws of nature and all that is considered Holy and dear to mankind to unfreeze the 76ers front office executive.

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I guess I’m officially a runner now

giphyIn Logan’s Run, a 1976 sci-fi movie starring Michael York, in the futuristic year of 2274 those who reach the age of 30 are hunted down and vaporized. Each citizen is implanted with a “Life Clock” that blinks red when they turn 30, notifying the “Sandmen” who hunt down the “Runners if they do not give up quietly.

My Life Clock went off this weekend after watching the NBA All-Star festivities. I guess I’m a runner now.

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Jowly man with thinning hair plugs also does not care for SI Swimsuit plus-size model

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Philadelphia, PA – Continuing a long established tradition of ugly as sin radio hosts having problems with attractive plus-size models being on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, jowly senior-citizen Mike Missanelli today decried the fact that Ashley Graham DARED to appear on the hallowed ground that is the SI Swimsuit cover.

The sunken eyed goon went on the rant against Graham during his 97.5 Fanatic afternoon show just hours after the ghoulish, gargoyle like Angelo Cataldi said virtually the same thing during his morning show on 94 WIP.

Citing that he could see “curvy women at work,” Missanelli worked himself into a froth as his mighty jowls audibly slapped against his double chin during the segment. The wrinkled mass of cellulite and gabagool said it was disrespectful to the history of the SI swimsuit issue, while his turkey neck swung hypnotically for all to see.

Onlookers noted clumps of Missanelli’s cheap hair plugs began to fall out all over his desk and microphone during the rant.

At press time, Missanelli said SI should adhere to higher standards and respect themselves more in the future, while simultaneously sending a homophobic email to a critic and another series of sexist tweets to Michelle Beadle.