Phillies

Ruben Amaro Jr. inspired after watching Bruce Jenner special
072113-amaro-slideshow-ap

A very brave and courageous man.

Philadelphia, PA – After seeing the inspiring Bruce Jenner special this past week, in which the world famous athlete described his transition and inner struggle with becoming a woman, Ruben Amaro Jr. called an impromptu press conference this morning and invited past and present Phillies athletes to attend.

In his declaration to the media, Amaro promised a “breathtaking reveal.”

In front of hundreds at the press conference, a visibly shaken and nervous Amaro approached the podium, took a deep breath, and began his announcement.

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the past six years, I have been the general manager of the Philadelphia Phillies,” He said, stammering for a second before pausing to collect his thoughts. “This, this is much harder than I thought it would be. I watched Bruce Jenner on ABC this past weekend and he was so brave, letting people know who he really is. It’s about time that everyone knows the real me.”

“I just…people need to know. I need them to know the real me,” he said. He looked around the room and took a very deep breath. “People need to know that I’m not a winner. The real me, the real me to the core, is a complete loser.”

Amaro took a moment to dab at his eyes with a handkerchief and then continued.

“I know I had some good years with this team, but last year and this season have been the real me. I’m a loser, a big fat loser. Wow…that feels good. I can promise all of you that I will no longer pretend to be a winner in front of any of you. This is me, take it for what you will.”

As of press time, Larry Anderson was muttering to himself in the back of the room as he looked on disinterestedly.

“Who the fuck didn’t know that?”

Lenny Dykstra changes the roast game, simply stands up and leaves
Dykstra, looking like a milion bucks.

Dykstra, looking like a milion bucks.

Philadelphia, PA – The energy was crackling at the Electric Factory Thursday evening as hundreds came out to see the roasting of Philadelphia sport legends Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams. Local comedians, athletes and media members all had their best material on hand to deliver a sound thrashing of the two embattled former Phillies.

Dykstra, however, had other plans.

“Before the first roaster even had a chance to get to the dais, Dykstra simply shook his head, stood up from his chair, and walked off stage. It was unheard of,” said Big Daddy Graham, the first scheduled comedian of the evening. “He absolutely ruined it for everyone.”

Graham was the first roaster scheduled to appear and approached the podium with a confused look on his face.

“Umm…well…uhh. You know, if Lenny was here, I would say something like, wow, how did you manage to have a worse post sports career Darren Dalton. He ranted about the end of the world and has a brain tumor, but people still wouldn’t take your life over his. Man, this is just not working.”

Unable to end the roast, presenters tried to tailor all of their material to Williams or broke down completely onstage, unable to improv anything in midst of the change.

In the case of Al Morganti, he did both.

“Hey Mitch, you chewed a lot of tobacco in your playing days, right? I bet you drunk drove a few times as well also, am I right folks?” He stammered at the podium, as the crowd and Williams looked on in silence. “Oh god this just isn’t working. Fucking Dykstra, what a piece of fucking shit. We go to all this trouble to put together an event and he goes ahead and just blows it all to hell.”

Morganti sobbed quietly onstage until he was escorted off by security.

As of press time, it was reported that Dykstra enjoyed a quite evening of doing cocaine and passing out in a rented BMW at 3 a.m.

The Bongo Cam is the most recognizable part of the Phillies franchise
I can hear that beat right now....

I can hear that beat right now….

Philadelphia, PA – For the third season in a row, Phillies fans rated the “Bongo Cam,” the in-game piece of entertainment, as the most recognizable and enjoyable part of the Phillies franchise.

“For the third year in a row, the Phillies fans have spoken. In our annual poll of our season ticket fans, The Bongo Cam was far and away the top performer. The fans not only named it the best fan experience in the stadium, but also said it was the most dependable member of the franchise and wished it could play right field,” an anonymous Phillies employee told The Coggin.

The festive video encourages fans to get out of their seats and play an imaginary pair of bongos on the Phillies big outfield screens. The video always brings a smile to the face of the guests as they watch their fellow fans play along with the lively music.

“Usually it’s by far the most entertaining part of any game they attend,” the employee said. “We began playing it every eighth inning last year to at least give the fans an excuse to stay that late.”

For the third year in a row, Jonathan Papelbon and Ruben Amaro Jr. finished at a tie in dead last in the poll.

Editor’s Note: An opening day tradition!
Sorry Phanatic, you're going to hell.

Sorry Phanatic, you’re going to hell.

I have read this article ever year on Opening Day for the past five seasons. It might be, and I quote, the single greatest thing I have ever read involving Christianity and Philadelphia baseball. Every single time I read it, I marvel at how much joy I’m able to garner from someone that has a vastly different worldview than I do.

Please, before reading the horrible things I have to say, go read it for yourself. It’s acceptable to be a Phillies Phanatic but a fanatic about Jesus? Not so much. by Lisa Small. 

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Fuck ya’ll, all ya’ll

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (18-58). Who is even on this team anymore?

To all you pieces of garbage that wanted us traded? FUCK YOU. LOOK AT US NOW, MOTHER FUCKERS.

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The Coggin congratulates Charlie Manuel! See how it all started
Yeeeee ha!

Yeeeee ha!

Charlie Manuel, the Coggin Toboggan salutes you. Not only are you our favorite Phillies manager of all time, you finally got that elusive Wrestlemania moment to truly cap off a fantastic career.

Relive Manuel’s road to Wrestlemania right here, and see how he made it to the greatest victory of his life over his former friend Ric “Nature Boy” Flair the past Sunday.

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Entire Phillies Roster: Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez most envied athlete in organization
The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.

The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.

Philadelphia, PA – With the announcement that starting, relieving, and all around horrid Cuban pitcher Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez had been dumped from the 40 man roster, waves of jealousy started to ride through the remaining roster that learned they would be with the team on opening day.

“It’s just…I don’t know. Sure it’s an honor to be starting opening day, but there really is something to be said for a pitcher making $4 million this year and not having to play on this team,” starting pitcher Cole Hamels said, deeply sighing as he watched Gonzalez board a bus to the minor leagues.

“Sure it’s a demotion, but at least he’s still making millions of dollars. Hell, at least in Triple A you won’t have to deal with Ruben Amaro bragging nonstop about his fantasy baseball team. Jesus, Ruben, your team sucks. Ryan Howard in the second round? Art imitates life, I suppose.”

The pitcher will get to hone his craft in front of just a few thousand, die hard fans in Reading, Pennsylvania, instead of being booed on a daily basis by 30,000 angry Phillies fans each night.

“I really love Philadelphia, I do. But sometimes….I just can’t deal with Amaro anymore. Enough with him,” Chase Utley said, shrugging as he took batting practice. “I wonder if the Dodgers need a second baseman? Even if they do, I’m sure Amaro will bungle the deal and I’ll never get out there.”

Freddy Galvis took a more succinct approach to his opinion on Gonzalez.

“That mother fucker hit the mother fucking jackpot,” he grumbled.

As of press time, Carlos Ruiz was seriously considering throwing himself down the clubhouse stairs in hopes that he would damage an important ligament and would have to retire.

Phillies announce firing of Ruben Amaro Jr., new direction for organization

072113-amaro-slideshow-apPhiladelphia, PA – In a stunning move this morning, acting Phillies President Pat Gillick announced that GM Ruben Amaro Jr. has been let go from his contract. He cited years of down play from the team, questionable free agent signings and one of the worst trade records from any general manager in all of professional baseball.

“We felt this is what was best for the Phillies. For Ruben to take them from where they were in 2009 after I left and to have them be here…my goodness, why were we keeping him on for this long,” Gillick said.

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Phillies agree to sell liquor, wine, black tar heroin at CBP this year

Philadelphia_PhilliesPhiladelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Phillies announced today that all concession stands that currently serve alcohol will expand their services to include wine and hard liquor for fans.

Additionally, a gentleman named “Big” John will be selling black tar heroin within the confines of CBP, front office officials announced.

“We are always looks for new ways to make attending a Phillies game a better experience for our fans, and we feel these new offerings will really improve the ball park visit,” a source said. “We will be offering top shelf spirits, aged red/white wine, and the finest smack that money can buy.”

Fans of the drug will be able to purchase the substance from the North Philadelphia native during all home games. He will be trolling for customers behind the Phanatic Play Place from innings 1-4, and will complete the games in the mens room in section 119.

Some of "Big" John's finest black tar heroin, which will be available at all Phillies home games this season.

Some of “Big” John’s finest black tar heroin, which will be available at all Phillies home games this season.

“It was a fabulous business opportunity and I had to jump at the chance when approached by the Philadelphia Phillies. I’ve been looking to expand my venture and this was a perfect synergy between a depressed fanbase looking to brighten their spirits during 10-2 blowouts in early May,” Big John said.

“Big” John cut off the interview after declaring the Coggin reporter “looked like a narc.”