Philadelphia

Nick Foles hopes that brick of heroin still where he left it in North Philadelphia
Foles

Trouble is coming back to Philadelphia.

Philadelphia, PA – Shouts of “Foles coming yo!” rang out through a dilapidated, run-down section of North Philadelphia this morning as a familiar face returned to the streets for the first time since 2014.

A sawed off shotgun swinging freely at his side, barely covered by a ratty overcoat, newly re-signed backup Eagles quarterback Nick Foles strode confidently down Kensington Avenue into the Philadelphia Badlands.

Whistling the Eagles fight song to himself as he watched dealers scramble off the streets at his mere presence, Foles entered a ramshackle building and quickly headed to the back of the broken down structure.

(more…)

Oblivious Nelson Agholor ‘can’t wait’ to mentor Alshon Jeffery, Torrey Smith
111915_nelson-agholor_1200

Team leader Nelson Agholor can’t wait to mentor Alshon Jeffery, Torrey Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Nelson Agholor met with the media yesterday after news broke that the Eagles had signed wide receivers Alshon Jeffery and Torrey Smith and said he “couldn’t wait to mentor the new guys” when they arrived in the city.

When asked what he first thought of the signings when the news broke on social media, Agholor said he was excited to see the competition between Jeffery and Smith for the number two wide receiver spot on the team’s depth chart.

“Are you kidding me? Either of those guys would be perfect number twos on this team. One of them is going to have to settle for that third spot though, but it should be a hell of a competition. I can’t wait to open up the field for those guys,” Agholor said.

(more…)

Someone finally bought Chip Kelly’s house of the damned
c6luoauvuaenu7n

Locals tell of strange doings happening at this accursed homestead.

Well, some dang blasted fool finally did it. Didn’t listen to my warnings or the warnings of any of the other homesteads on this lovely, upper-middle class neighborhood. Lots of good, clean, hardworking folks around here and they aren’t in the habit of telling tall tales. Nawp, straight as an arrow these ones fly.

But they all told tales of horrendous doings at that ol’ Kelly shack. Awful things. Things that nobody should have to hear about. Rumors of things go around in this town about what that man did to those he cared about…the monitoring of their every move, the horrendous experiments to drain every ounce of productivity for their used up husks, then casting aside their decrepit, atrophied bodies once they were of no more value…makes me shudder to even think of it.

Can I interest you in some sweet tea? A Johnny Cake or two? Nawp? Suit yourself.

What dang burned fool finally brought the house? Don’t rightly reckon…Some city slicker, no doubt, decided they would scratch an itch that only life in the country could soothe. Plenty of other homes around here to play cowboy and farmer on the weekends when you unwind from your high-powered telebusiness position, or what have you.

But nobody listens. They never do. I’ve lived here since ought six and you’ll never catch me step a foot onto that property. Had a Holstein disappear for several days, believe it got lost in the Kelly compound, and that cow was never the same when it returned. It’s milk was rotten. Had to put her down with a ball peen hammer it got so ugly. Can’s imagine the horrors it saw.

(more…)

BREAKING NEWS: John Chaney chokes out Jahlil Okafor at Philadelphia airport

i_chaney_iJahlil Okafor was out before he even touched the ground.

76ers center Okafor is reportedly recovering at Jefferson  University Hospital after a reported attack by legendary Temple Owls coach John Chaney after the team charter touched down this morning at Philadelphia international airport.

Eyewitnesses reported Chaney jumped Okafor as the dour center walked through the terminal with several members of the 76ers coaching staff.

Chaney allegedly slipped an arm around the neck of Okafor and hooked his other arm around the young man’s biceps, slowly choking him out as the elderly coach dragged him to the terminal floor.

(more…)

BREAKING: Eagles to make Ted Cruz priority in free agency
c5zjwmxxeaaekpa

What a load.

Sources are reporting that the Philadelphia Eagles will make a hard run at defensive lineman Ted Cruz (R-Texas) when free agency opens on Thursday, March 9.

Citing a need for a “big ol’ body to plug up the middle of the line,” Eagles Executive Vice President of Football Operations Howie Roseman said Cruz could be exactly what the line needs to stuff the run on early downs.

(more…)

Chris Christie’s CBP comments likely stem from embarrassing concessions incident in 2012
mw-bc409_christ_20130507085322_mg

A model New York Mets fan if there ever was one.

An anonymous source from within the Phillies organization reached out to the Coggin Toboggan offices this afternoon with information to help “clear up” the comments made by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie this past week.

The high ranking source with the Phillies said Christie’s unprovoked commentary about the organization likely stemmed from an incident in 2012 when the governor visited CBP for a tilt against the New York Mets.

(more…)

“Ben Simmons is fine,” Bryan Colangelo says as doctors work to amputate Simmons’ foot

20160505_colangelo_article2Philadelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo spoke to media this morning at Jefferson University Hospital after reports had leaked out of the 76ers franchise claiming that Ben Simmons’ broken foot had been healing slower than expected.

Colangelo, who has come under fire this week for his tendency to be less than forthcoming about injury news, said Ben Simmons was “just fine” and he didn’t know what the tortured screams coming from the hospital’s operating room were about.

Colangelo excused himself for a moment to “take a phone call” as he ducked into the suddenly very busy operating theater.

(more…)

Jerry Colangelo attempts to wake up Bryan for third time this afternoon
635848397075677000-sports-1-jerry-colangelo-12

You have to be kidding me with this fucking kid.

Philadelphia, PA – An increasingly frustrated Jerry Colangelo entered his son Bryan Colangelo’s bedroom for the third time this afternoon, throwing the racecar bed sheets off of the slumbering 76ers GM in an attempt to rouse his son to greet the day.

“Let’s go, it’s 1:30 p.m., up and at them. There are deals to be made today, Bry Bry. Serge Ibaka was traded to the Raptors this morning, so you can cross them off the list of potential landing spots for Jahlil,” Jerry said, the level of annoyance raising in his voice as Bryan pulled the pillow back over his head in attempt to keep the sunlight out of his eyes.

The elder Colangelo sat on the edge of Bryan’s bed and patted him gently on his side.

(more…)

The time a drunk 76ers fan demanded Matt Geiger punch Keith Van Horn in the face…and he did it
042412-400-touch

You are one ugly motherfucker.

Back in 1999 I saw Matt Geiger viciously elbow Keith Van Horn in the face at the behest of a pair of drunkards at the First Union Center.

Let me back up. The year was 1999. I was 17 and the weight of the world had yet to completely crush my spirit. The 76ers were a few years away from being relevant, but they were entertaining and the seeds had been planted for greatness. Allen Iverson was crossing up Jordan, the country was prosperous and led by an adulterer instead of a dunce, and my buddy’s dad had bought lower level season tickets for 1998-1999 for no reason whatsoever.

Seriously, I think he went to like, maybe 4 games that entire season. So who took up the slack? Yours truly. What a time to be alive.

(more…)

Jahlil Okafor demands trade by end of the day before the snow

usa-today-8947756-0Philadelphia, PA – Jahlil Okafor has broken his silence on the swirling trade rumors that have surrounded him for the past several days. Okafor spoke up this morning up about his desire to be traded before the region is covered in several inches of snow.

The talented offensive center made a public statement this morning to the media, demanding to be traded by the end of the day.

“If you think I’m shoveling this shit tomorrow you’ve got another thing coming. Trade me now, get me a ticket out of town, let’s go. Chip chop chip,” Okafor said.

(more…)