BREAKING: Eagles to make Ted Cruz priority in free agency

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What a load.

Sources are reporting that the Philadelphia Eagles will make a hard run at defensive lineman Ted Cruz (R-Texas) when free agency opens on Thursday, March 9.

Citing a need for a “big ol’ body to plug up the middle of the line,” Eagles Executive Vice President of Football Operations Howie Roseman said Cruz could be exactly what the line needs to stuff the run on early downs.

“It’s no secret we’ve had our eye on Ted this off season. He’s a huge body, tough to move around. What’s that boy go about these days, 350, 360 pounds? That’s a lot of beef to have to move off the line of scrimmage,” Roseman said, whistling softly to himself after seeing a recent picture of Cruz from President Trump’s address to congress.

“That son of a bitch blew up, didn’t he? He is quite the load.”

Scouts have varying opinions on Cruz’s effectiveness, citing his low center of gravity as a definite plus, but his hard-lying stance on immigration and his large, fat head could be detrimental to his overall performance.

“I could really see him tiring later in the games, his conditioning isn’t where it needs to be at this point in his career. Plus, his denial of climate change and his pro-life agenda may not fly in the locker room,” a scout told Coggin reporters.

 

 

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