Zach Ertz on failed block attempt: ‘Saving my energy to fall down later’

ertzPhiladelphia, PA – One of many embarrassing moments from yesterday’s horrendous Eagles loss is raising the ire of Philadelphia fans on social media.

Tight-end Zach Ertz, who has garnered a reputation this season as being soft, was seen jumping out of the way, instead of trying to block, from a Bengals linebacker who was closing in on a scrambling Carson Wentz.

The play has made the rounds on Twitter, with several fans and pundits calling for Ertz to at least attempt a block instead of jumping in between two pursuing linebackers who were looking to bring down Wentz during the drive.

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The Coggin Toboggan is being retooled as a political blog

Sorry everyone, but the Toboggan is currently down to be rejiggered as a biting, no nonsense political blog that will discuss the most pressing issues facing our country today.

Here’s a taste of what you’ll be getting from here on out. We submitted this to the New Yorker and our insiders are telling us the publication has not only accepted the cartoon, but is considering publishing it on the cover of an upcoming issue.

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Wow, I know the hard-hitting point of this cartoon might be tough to handle for many of our normal fans, but you need to be aware of what is going on in this country.

Jerry Colangelo sex party forces 76ers game cancellation

635848397075677000-sports-1-jerry-colangelo-12Philadelphia, PA – After a slick sheen on the Wells Fargo Center court rendered the surface unplayable last night, the 76ers were forced to postpone their matchup against the Sacramento Kings until a later date.

John Page, president of the Wells Fargo Center complex, said excessive moisture on the court forced the cancellation of the game. When asked why the surface of the court was affected, Page pointed to an event held at the center earlier in the day.

“We have some ideas of what could have caused this, but all signs point squarely to Jerry Colangelo’s annual swingers party that he held at center court earlier in the day,” Page noted.

The Colangelo sponsored “bacchanal orgy” was a holdover from his previous GM contract with the organization, which allotted him space in the Wells Fargo Center once a year to live out his depraved perversions.

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Everything is better with a good Ric Flair WOOOOOOOOO

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Wooooooooooo!

Apparently the Flyers PA announcer has been piping in glorious Ric Flair WOOOOOs during stoppages of play for the past two home games. The Flyers are 2-0 in those games. Coincidence? Obviously not.

Woooooooooooooooooooooo!

There is nothing, I repeat, nothing that is not improved with a good Ric Flair woo. Think back to the time you lost your virginity (or just imagine it for those of us that have dedicated our lives to the Lord)…pretty embarrassing right? Probably not all that fun?

Well, just imagine letting out an impressive WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO instead of what you actually did (burst into tears) and it’s 100 times better, no?

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

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BREAKING NEWS: Doug Pederson tells team Nelson Agholor sent to farm upstate

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He’s living a much happier life now.

Philadelphia, PA – After several repeated inquiries from teammates and coaches prior to tonight’s game against the Green Bay Packers, Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson is reportedly telling those who ask about Nelson Agholor that the young, troubled wide receiver has been sent to live on a farm  in upstate Pennsylvania.

“We thought Nelson needed some room to run, to play, and to live free on a big lovely farm. Plenty of space for him to prance and live his life away from the prying eyes of the media and disappointed coaches,” Pederson said.

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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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We at the Coggin Toboggan hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving. Just remember, as you’re enjoying your turkey and time with family, there are those of us that are spending their Thanksgivings alone, in an empty apartment with a bottle of half-empty Wild Turkey, weeping softly to ourselves as we watch that episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air where Carlton and Hillary volunteer at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving and make complete asses of themselves.

Please enjoy some of the articles we enjoyed writing this past year.

Elated Gerald Henderson thought MVP chants were for him.

Abbot and Costello make our Eagles picks for the week.

Disappointed Ryan Howard definitely expected a car.

Deadbeat dad really going all out with upper deck Phillies tickets.

Mike Missanelli hospitalized after watching Chase Utley receive two curtain calls.

In the spirit of the Thanksgiving season, it’s time for the Coggin Toboggan pardon

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What are you looking at? Gobble gobble.

Ahhhh Thanksgiving. A time for family, a time for good food and a time for visiting those weird relatives who still don’t have cable even though it’s 2016 and serve striped hard candy for dessert. You know the ones, their house smells like cat piss even though to the best of your knowledge they’ve never even owned a cat? Yeah, them. I know, they suck, but they’re lonely and nobody ever visits them, so get your ass over to their house and PLAY NICE.

Each year, the current president pardons two turkeys on the eve of Thanksgiving to keep the birds out of the slaughterhouse. Sure, it means absolutely nothing when hundreds of thousands of them are actually sent to the slaughterhouse each year, but it’s kitschy!

So it got us to thinking…why don’t we steal the idea and pardon someone we’ve given a hard time to over the past year? That’s a nice gesture, right? Sure it is, it’s a great look for us and will give us some much needed positive press after last year’s unfortunate holiday post, “It’s a Jerry Sandusky kind of Thanksgiving.”

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76ers already running out of victory confetti

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – After their fourth home-win in a row in the young season, the 76ers franchise is scrambling to re-stock the victory confetti it shoots out of giant cannons after every win at the Wells Fargo Center.

The organization only bought enough victory confetti to celebrate eight wins at home, an optimistic estimation by all standards prior to the beginning of the season.

“God damnit…mix in a win on the road, I do not want to have to call the supplier this early in the year, it’s going to blow our entire yearly budget,” said Thomas Kincade, 76ers Operation Manager.

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Seth Joyner should probably stop talking about hitting his kids on the WIP Midday show

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Joyner.

(Editor’s note: This is not part of our usual satire content, but an actual conversation heard on the 94 WIP Midday show this afternoon featuring Seth Joyner that rubbed us the wrong way)

I’m not public relations employee or anything, but it’s probably not a good idea to talk about hitting your kids on a sports talk show.

During a segment this afternoon on the 94 WIP Midday Show, host Jon Ritchie was talking about his ability as a player to channel his anger into motivation to do well on the field with co-host Joe DeCamara and Joyner. Joyner decided it was a perfectly fine opportunity to drop a nonchalant anecdote about why it’s ok to hit your kids.

Here is what Seth said during the segment today (you can hear it here. It starts at the 6:19 point with Jon Ritchie):

Ritchie: Anger used to be rewarded, and maybe that’s changing. That puts these coaches in a difficult situation, and I understand that. Sometimes guys don’t respond the same way as they once did.

Joyner: You know what the problem is? The problem is we’ve got sports psychologists, we got psychiatrists and we got counselors that are advising people in a realm that they don’t really understand, that the way that it used to be isn’t the way that it should be anymore that we need to do it differently. Everything from our kids. Oh, don’t yell at Billy, just put him on timeout and put him in the corner. Don’t yell at Billy, just talk to him. You know?  I can see it, because before my mom passed away, god bless her, I’d take my kids to go see her. I’d be on their ass about something, and she’d be like, ‘Don’t yell at them, talk to them. You don’t have to beat them.’ I’m like, you beat the hell out of me! What are you talking about? It worked for me. Now all of a sudden you want me to talk to them? No, they’re going to get exactly what I got.

Ritchie: Yeah my parents are really nice to my kids. It’s annoying to me how nice my parents are to my kids, but it’s good, I guess.

::Joe DeCamara quickly changes topics::

Maybe he doesn’t think what he said is wrong? I don’t know. I’m sure he doesn’t really beat his kids, but why the joke if he’s joking? Just a really weird thing to say.

Isn’t that basically what got Adrian Peterson kicked out the league for a year? Beating his kid with a switch because it was done to him and that was “all he knew”?

Maybe chill out a bit, Seth, and keep the child hitting anecdotes to yourself.

Maybe we’ll just start a politics blog instead…

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Our thoughts exactly, Greg.

At this point in the Eagles season I need to take a long, hard look at what I’m doing with my free time. Wasting four hours of my life to watch the Eagles fuck their way through an afternoon shouldn’t be an option anymore. Just imagine what I could have done with those four hours…I could have re-caulked my bathroom appliances, taken a nap, soundproofed my sex dungeon…anything would have been better than watching Nelson Agholor have a stroke on the field in front of a national TV audience.

Maybe we should slowly start transitioning ourselves over to a politics based website?

DID YOU SEE WHAT TRUMP TWEETED? What a prick! Hey, we’re halfway there.

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