A Festivus Airing of Grievances to our dear readers

he05wkmI’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT. YOU, KRUGER, MY SON TELLS ME YOUR COMPANY STINK! – Frank Costanza.

 

Merry Festivus to all of our readers! What a day. I’ve already challenged my nine-month-old son to the feats of strength. He shit himself and rolled over, so I guess he showed me.

I’ve already screamed my grievances at my wife and family members this morning, so I figured I’d turn my attention to you, the dear readers. You all stink and it’s a Festivus miracle I’ve been able to put up with your nonsense for the past year.

Here are some of the dumbest tweets we’ve gotten in 2016 from our “fans.”

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?
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Ho ho ho! The Eagles stink and it’s all your fault!

Hey! We actually got ALL of our Eagles picks right last week when we predicted the Eagles would not only lose to the Ravens, but would cover the spread as well. WE’RE ON A ROLL NOW, BUDDY BOY, JUST CALL ME COOL DR. MONEY CAUSE I’M MAKING STACKS UPON STACKS.

Oh, I’m sorry, our guest pickers are on fire (how long do I have to keep up this charade?)

Tonight the Eagles (5-9) will try not to make the bile rise in everyone’s throats throughout the Delaware Valley when they take on the NFC East rival NY Giants (10-4), with the
G-Men -2.5 point favorites.

But wait a second….what’s that I hear? Is that reindeer hooves up on the roof of the Coggin Toboggan offices, or just the thousands upon thousands of rats that call our facilities home?

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see who is making our picks this week….

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A comprehensive holiday gift guide for the Philadelphia sports fan in your life

happyholidays650I think I hear some reindeer hooves on the roof of my shanty in the woods and the delightful sound of latkas frying up in opossum lard on my hotplate, so you know what that means! It’s time for Christmas, or if you’re one of the chosen, time for Hanukah!

Yes, the holiday season is once again upon us all. I have to say, I hear the same two questions almost every year around this time:

  1. What should I get my spouse/friend/prison pen pal for the holidays? They’re a HUGE Philadelphia sports fan, can you please help me?!

2. Please untie me, I’m begging you, I have a family…what did I do to deserve this?

Well let me tell you, I can 100% help you find that perfect gift for that special Philadelphia sports fan in your life and NO I WILL NOT UNTIE YOU, KAREN, THIS IS HOW YOU’LL LEARN TO LOVE ME.

So here are some great ideas for that special person in your life that won’t break your holiday budget!

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Sam Hinkie had The Process, Bryan Colangelo has The Procedure

041016_bryan-colangelo_1200I’m sick of dunderheaded Bryan Colangelo face fucking his way through the 2016-2017 76ers season. Everything that’s good about this year (Embiid, Saric….ummm….that’s about it) has been due to previous GM Sam Hinkie and everything awful about this year (Gerald Henderson, the Noel disaster, the slippery floor, the announcement coming in the next few weeks that Ben Simmons won’t play this year, Jahlil Okafor, the Eagles poor season, the Flyers Shea Weber trade falling through) has been because of shit dick Colangelo and his father’s withered old man balls resting on his son’s shoulders as a constant reminder of his presence.

Also, apropos of nothing, why don’t you spell your name with an “I” like a regular person? God you suck.

Sam Hinkie had The Process, which netted this team a glut of lottery picks, a potential franchise changing player in Embiid and another first round pick next year from the Lakers.

Bryan Colangelo has, what we’ve dubbed at the Toboggan, The Procedure, which has netted us nothing but high blood pressure and increased chances of having a stroke in the next 10 years.

What is The Procedure, you ask? Well, why don’t we explain it using tweets from Colangelo’s meeting with the media today, shall we?

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Bryan Colangelo: Nerlens Noel will be a made man and start at center this week
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Nerlens Noel coming to the 76ers morning shoot around with 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo. The 76ers announced Noel would be a made man this week. (photo credit: @crimjimmegan)

Philadelphia, PA – An excited Nerlens Noel put on his best three piece suit and eagerly got into Bryan Colangelo’s 1969 white Cadillac Coupe Deville to attend the 76ers morning shoot around, his first since the news broke that the organization had decided to make him a made man and start him for the first time this season.

“This must bring you back to when you were made,” Nerlens said to Colangelo, who shrugged and smiled from the back seat.

“Oh that was a long time ago,” he said, as he instructed the driver to pull up to the side entrance of the 76ers Training Complex in Camden.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

oldmanwinterHere’s the portion of this weekly column where we tell you that we suck at picking these games. We do. We really suck. At least last week we were able to predict that the Eagles would lose to the Redskins, but of course we thought they would cover. Fuck me running.

This week the Eagles (5-8) take on the Baltimore Ravens (7-6). Interesting note, I used to cover Evesham Township for a local newspaper and their mayor, Randy Brown, is a kicking specialist for the Ravens. He hooked me up with an interview with head coach John Harbaugh and he was AWESOME. He didn’t have to take time out of his schedule to field questions from a little shit dick paper in New Jersey during the season, but he did anyway.

I do hope my best friend John Harbaugh has a good weekend taking on this pathetic football team.

But you know what? It doesn’t matter what I think, but what our special guest picker of the week thinks. That being said, who is making our picks this week?

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Isn’t Ric Flair attending Wing Bowl one of the seven signs of the apocalypse?
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WOOOOOO! It’s the end of days!

According to the Book of Revelations, there will be seven signs that the world is close to calling it quits and entering the apocalypse.

With the announcement that Ric Flair will be attending Wing Bowl, I think we’re one step closer today.

I’m no theologist, but I’m fairly sure that the Bible says the first sign of the Apocalypse is Ric Flair attending Wing Bowl in Philadelphia.

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Eagles employee who ordered Rocky theme played during crucial in-game moment hailed as hero

hqdefaultPhiladelphia, PA – The Redskins had just ripped off a killer touchdown to put the visiting team up 27-22 over the Eagles with less than two-minutes to play in yesterday’s NFC East clash. Even though the Redskins failed on their two-point conversion attempt, spirits were rock bottom in the stands and on the field for Philadelphia.

Something needed to be done. Someone needed to stand up and do what was right.

That person was Nancy McClain, a 10-year employee of the Eagles in-game entertainment division, who in a moment of absolute brilliance suggested dusting off the old Rocky soundtrack LP sitting in the corner of the PA booth and piping it through the speakers of Lincoln Financial Field.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

Editor’s note: I really thought we gave up on this column? It’s evident I suck at it. Sure, we all get to have a few cheap laughs at someone’s expense, but holy shit am I awful at making these picks. If you are actually using them to make gambling decisions than you have a big, big problem. I’ll just lose you money. Don’t listen to me on anything ever. That being said….

OHHHHHH MY WHAT A DAY! The Eagles (5-7) are taking on the hated Washington Redskins (6-5-1) and their slightly better than average quarterback Kirk Cousins. YOU LIKE THAT? HUH? THAT’S RIGHT.

This week I 100% GUARANTEE TO MAKE YOU MONEY WITH OUR PICK. We have a great guest picker coming in, someone who really knows his stuff.

The Eagles are currently 1-point underdogs in their matchup. But who will make our picks this week?

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The Milwaukee Brewers selected us in the Rule 5 Draft

brewerslogoHORRENDOUS. We just got news from the Milwaukee Brewers that the organization selected the Coggin Toboggan this morning in the MLB Rule 5 draft.

I didn’t even know blogs were available to be chosen in the draft, but here we are. We are Milwaukee bound, whether we like it or not.

Fuckkkkkk me. I don’t want to move to Milwaukee. God damn us.

Brewers GM David Stearns called us to congratulate us on our new roles and advised us to bone up on our mid-western humor.

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