BREAKING NEWS

VORACEK GOES TOP TITS!…by some Bro from the Epsilon House

Do it for Jake, Sully.

OH MY GOD, SULLY, DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT? Sully, put down your Bud Plat, did you fucking see that son? Jake Voracek just TOTALLY WENT TOP TITS to win the game!

I know it’s 2 for 1 at the Tap and Cap and you’ve got your mind on some prime trim from the Gamma house, but you’ve got to look at this SWEET goal by Jake the Snake! He just hustled up, got the puck from the board, spun around, and totally made some dude on the Caps his bitch buy burying a goal TOP TITS and winning the game for the Fly Guys.

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Phillies sign infielder just like-a momma used to make

A real calamad.

Philadelphia, PA – The Phillies announced a deal this morning with 19-year-old Italian professional baseball player Leonardo Colagrossi, a move any kookalamanza would approve of, capiche?

Colagrossi, described as a “real meatball” by a member of the Phillies scouting team, reportedly kissed his momma on the cheek after hearing the news and immediately bought $25,000 worth of gold chains to celebrate and a pink Chevy Chevelle.

He then reportedly watched The Godfather part I and II several times in a row and had a hearty lunch of bread and olive oil.

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BREAKING NEWS: Frank ‘The Animal’ Bialowas takes over 97.5 Morning Show by force

Frank “The Animal” Bialowas, in happier times.

The 97.5 Fanatic offices are currently in a complete lockdown, as Frank “The Animal” Bialowas has taken over the Morning Show after ruthlessly beating host Anthony Gargano and humiliating co-host Jon Marks after the mid-90s Phantoms goon took offense to a comment made on-air during his appearance.

Bialowas’s appearance started off amiably, with Gargano tossing him several softball questions about his playing days and queries about “if he was a true lover of incredible meats or Anthony’s Coal Fire Pizza.”

The interview, however, took an ugly turn after Gargano brought up a rumor that has dogged Bialowas since his playing days.

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Super Bowl bound Evan Mathis sends Chip Kelly antagonistic texts at 2 a.m.

032614_evan-mathis_600 Denver, Colo – Perhaps rubbing salt into Chip Kelly’s wounds, Evan Mathis, a member of the Broncos Super Bowl bound roster, sent a picture of himself partying at 2 a.m. at a Denver nightclub to Chip Kelly’s cell phone.

The picture reportedly was sent along with the following message:

“Up past 10 p.m., how will we ever be ready to play?! Oh wait, we’re grown men who don’t need 12 hours a sleep a night. We’re going to the Super Bowl, enjoy San Francisco! Too bad we don’t have any internal monitors on this team, or maybe you could monitor how much I hate you and wish you would die on a daily basis. Thanks for cutting me, so long chump.” the text reportedly read.

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Doug Pederson declares himself infallible

The newest big dick in town.

Philadelphia, PA – The normally reserved and happy-go-lucky Doug Pederson took quite a turn Friday, as the new head coach called an impromptu press conference and tore into the media as he proclaimed himself the “newest head coach and big swinging dick in this god forsaken town.”

Pederson leaned forward in a fine leather chair, stroking a tabby cat, while asserting his dominance over the entire room at the Novacare Center.

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2016 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble

2258_-_logo_royal_rumble_wwe-jpeg This Sunday WWE is hosting its annual Royal Rumble pay-per-view, by far the most entertaining wrestling event ever created. For those unfamiliar with the sport of wrestling, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

It’s insanely entertaining and popular with fans, so it got us thinking at The Coggin Toboggan. Who in this city would win in an All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble?

WHAT A QUESTION! Don’t be surprised, it’s why you come to this blog, to read educated and intelligent material such as this.

The 2016 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble will only include coaches, media personnel, blogger, mascots, and behind the scenes employees of the four major sports.

No athletes will be included, because it would kill me to try and think of something funny to say about Sam Bradford being in something like this. Uhhh….every move he throws gets intercepted? God that’s stupid.

So here it is. We’ve identified 25 competitors, written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate.

Ladies and gentleman, the 2016 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble.

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Josh Innes gives Hollis Thomas a gift for ‘no particular reason’

Maybe just stick to comedies while waiting for flights, ehh Josh?

Philadelphia, PA – Josh Innes arrived at the TastyKakes Studios Wednesday morning with an apology card and a gift certificate to FUBU for his co-host Hollis Thomas for “no real particular reason.”

“Can’t a guy just buy something nice for one of his best friends in the world? There’s no underlying motive here other than equality…equality and understanding,” Innes said.

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Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl 50 Blowout Spectacular!

….still not crazy.

Hey folks, it’s me! Crazy Don Tollefson! I’ve got 25 minutes of internet time I traded a bottle of toilet wine for to a member of the Aryan brotherhood, so I’ve got to make this quick. Have you been watching the NFL playoffs?! Are you excited for the Super Bowl? Well I’m here to give you an update on my FABULOUS Super Bowl packages that I told you about this past August!

I wake up with bugs in my hair and cockroaches on my eyeballs! They enjoy the juices! They’re my only friends in this god forsaken hell hole!

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Amidst heavy criticism, Andy Reid fondly looks back on gigantic childhood

citerdp Kansas City, Mo – A pensive, self-reflective Andy Reid sat back Sunday afternoon, a day after the Chiefs season came to a close in a playoff game against the Patriots, and openly wondered if the hard work put into each season was worth the criticism and brow beating a head coach is put through year in and year out.

After being lambasted for the Chiefs final, lackadaisical drive while down two scores, Reid sat back and yearned for the simpler days of his freakishly gigantic childhood.

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Eagles bringing in Doug Pederson to help Sam Bradford’s sleeve game

My god, just look at those things. What a presence.

Philadelphia, PA – The Eagles front office knew they were taking a huge risk by bringing in Kansas City Chiefs offensive coordinator Doug Pederson to be the next head coach.

However, the organization believes Pederson can take Sam Bradford to the next level, and hopefully, a Super Bowl in the near future.

“We feel Doug can really elevate Sam’s sleeve game. Pederson was known for his long, tightly cinched sleeves during his playing days, and we feel he can teach Sam the finer points of that area,” Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie said.

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