OH MY GOD, SULLY, DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT? Sully, put down your Bud Plat, did you fucking see that son? Jake Voracek just TOTALLY WENT TOP TITS to win the game!

I know it’s 2 for 1 at the Tap and Cap and you’ve got your mind on some prime trim from the Gamma house, but you’ve got to look at this SWEET goal by Jake the Snake! He just hustled up, got the puck from the board, spun around, and totally made some dude on the Caps his bitch buy burying a goal TOP TITS and winning the game for the Fly Guys.

Sully, you need to take a page out of Jake’s book. You know how you’re having trouble with Becca from the Kappa Delta house? You have to take the nod from Jake and don’t take no for an answer, dog. You got to muscle your way in there, just tell her who’s boss, make a SICK spin move and just jam it in there to win the game for your bros. Don’t you want to make the Epsilon House proud? Do it like Jakey and don’t make a big mistakey, ok buddy?

I mean, yeah, she’s stuck up, she’s a Kappa Delta, but you’ve just got to stick with it. Don’t worry about K-Dog getting busted and having 400 hours of community service for harassing that girl from Chi Omega, she was TOTALLY asking for it and he never would have gotten busted if her sister didn’t narc on him. God, what a bitch.

Bitches, I know man. They want it until they don’t, and you just have to take it like Jake, know what I’m saying?

What was I talking about? God I am wasted. COLLEGE, WOOOOOOO! I’M RICK JAMES BITCH!

Remember that? I’m Rick James? God that was funny.

Oh yeah, Jake would want you to go for it I guess. Don’t be a pussy.

Be like Jake and convince a girl who may or may not have feelings for you into doing what YOU want. That’s all that matters, their feelings don’t count, you’re an Epsilon brah.

Huh? The Flyers? What do you mean, did they win? I don’t remember saying anything about them. Is Jake Voracek still on the team?

FUCK YEAH COLLEGE BRAH!