BREAKING NEWS

John Smallwood blames trade deadline failure on those damned millennials

6a0120a6dde087970b0148c8734ba6970c-800wiPhiladelphia, PA – Daily News columnist and reporter John Smallwood continued his tirade against young whippersnappers today when he placed the blame for the inactivity of the 76ers front office at the NBA trade deadline squarely at the feet of “those damned millennials” in this city.

“God damn millennials ruining sports in this town. All they care about is smoking that reefer and playing with their X-Stations and Play Boxes, they’re to blame for the state of my beloved 76ers. Why would the franchise do anything if these kids don’t care about wins and losses? I’d give my soul to go back to the days when the Sixers were a 7th or 8th seed each season and lost 4-1 to the Heat each year. Now THAT was basketball.”

“Sure they always lost and were lost in a stagnant quagmire with no hopes of improvement, but let me tell you that one win each playoff series when Lebron James was focusing on the next round was SWEET. IT WAS SWEET. It’s not always about championships, they respected the game. You have to learn to love the journey, not the destination.”

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Josh Harris orders thawing of Jerry Colangelo for trade deadline advice
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A tortured soul.

Philadelphia, PA – Josh Harris summoned his closest advisors and 76ers scientists/technicians before deciding the time was right to order the thawing of cryogenically preserved Jerry Colangelo.

Harris decided the aged Colangelo’s wisdom was invaluable during this pivotal NBA trade deadline and would be worth the risk to go against the laws of nature and all that is considered Holy and dear to mankind to unfreeze the 76ers front office executive.

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I guess I’m officially a runner now

giphyIn Logan’s Run, a 1976 sci-fi movie starring Michael York, in the futuristic year of 2274 those who reach the age of 30 are hunted down and vaporized. Each citizen is implanted with a “Life Clock” that blinks red when they turn 30, notifying the “Sandmen” who hunt down the “Runners if they do not give up quietly.

My Life Clock went off this weekend after watching the NBA All-Star festivities. I guess I’m a runner now.

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Jowly man with thinning hair plugs also does not care for SI Swimsuit plus-size model

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Philadelphia, PA – Continuing a long established tradition of ugly as sin radio hosts having problems with attractive plus-size models being on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, jowly senior-citizen Mike Missanelli today decried the fact that Ashley Graham DARED to appear on the hallowed ground that is the SI Swimsuit cover.

The sunken eyed goon went on the rant against Graham during his 97.5 Fanatic afternoon show just hours after the ghoulish, gargoyle like Angelo Cataldi said virtually the same thing during his morning show on 94 WIP.

Citing that he could see “curvy women at work,” Missanelli worked himself into a froth as his mighty jowls audibly slapped against his double chin during the segment. The wrinkled mass of cellulite and gabagool said it was disrespectful to the history of the SI swimsuit issue, while his turkey neck swung hypnotically for all to see.

Onlookers noted clumps of Missanelli’s cheap hair plugs began to fall out all over his desk and microphone during the rant.

At press time, Missanelli said SI should adhere to higher standards and respect themselves more in the future, while simultaneously sending a homophobic email to a critic and another series of sexist tweets to Michelle Beadle.

Fat, ugly old man expresses displeasure at SI Swimsuit plus-size model
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Gahhhhhh!

Ghoulish, gargoyle-like radio host Angelo Cataldi expressed his utter disappointment at Sports Illustrated’s decision to place plus-size model Ashley Graham on the cover of its annual swimsuit edition during a segment of the WIP Morning show today.

Clutching a microphone in his liver spotted, gnarled hand, Cataldi wondered as to how this may have happened.

Cataldi discussed the publication’s decision to put Graham on the cover, spitting tiny flecks of his morning repast over his microphone cover, filling the studio with his halitosis  as he decried the state of the publication’s once revered swimsuit issue.

The ghastly looking host leered at several young female interns and remarked how he would much rather see them in a bikini over Graham, as he picked at several scabs on his dry scalp before concluding his show.

At press time, Cataldi asked his co-hosts if they thought Graham had any respect for her own body, while at the same time he eagerly picked off a fungus ridden toenail that had been “hanging on by a thread” for the past several weeks.

President Obama appoints Philadelphia Phanatic to Supreme Court
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The newest Supreme Court Justice.

Washington, DC – Despite saying he would take his time to appoint a replacement for recently deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Barack Obama announced today that the Philadelphia Phanatic would be appointed to the highest court in the country.

It comes as a surprise to many political pundits who noted Obama would likely wait a month or two to select a candidate for the position.

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Nerlens Noel takes Canadian girlfriend out for third Valentine’s Day in a row

NBA: Boston Celtics at Philadelphia 76ersPhiladelphia, PA – For the third Valentine’s Day in a row, 76ers center Nerlens Noel turned down Valentine’s Day plans with his teammates to take out his “smoking hot girlfriend from Quebec” for a romantic night out.

Noel said he and “Suzie” had dinner reservations at Fork in Old City for 7 p.m. and then would likely retire to his Philadelphia apartment for a “serious make-out sesh.”

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After scoring first goal, RJ Umberger falls through ice
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Moments before RJ Umberger skated towards thin ice at the Wells Fargo Center.

Philadelphia, PA – The bad luck streak continued for snake bitten Flyers forward RJ Umberger last night, even after he scored his first goal of the season and his first goal in more than a year.

Umberger, perhaps distracted by his celebration, did not heed warnings from his teammates and skated perilously close to a notorious section of weak ice at the Wells Fargo Center.

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REPORT: 76ers jealous of Sacramento Kings stability

nerlens-noel-pacersPhiladelphia, PA – After blowing a late fourth quarter loss to the Sacramento Kings, several members of the 76ers looked longingly towards the Kings bench and wondered what it would be like to be part of a stable franchise.

The Kings are currently nine games under .500.

“Look at them. One star center, a few complimentary pieces, it must be nice to play in Sacramento day in and day out,” Jahlil Okafor said of the Kings, who for the past month have publicly leaked reports about firing despised veteran head George Karl and have players openly rebel against the franchise.

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Breakfast on Broad spec script, my ticket to the bigs
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Now we’re in the big time.

So we’re about a year and change into the Coggin Toboggan and I have to admit that I figured by now I would be living the high life. Fame, fortune, women….oh my goodness the women, nothing turns a woman on more than a man who runs a successful blog.

But here we are and nothing has changed. Sure I live in a lovely home, have a great wife and a kid on the way, but somethings missing.

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