Philadelphia, PA – Disgusted by the 15 minutes he watched of the Flyers 5-2 loss on Thursday night against the Washington Capitals, Kenneth Franklin, 49, dropped a bombshell of an idea on his drinking buddy as the two exited McGlinchey’s Bar after a few beers.
Franklin, who has never played a minute of hockey in his life and watches the game sporadically throughout the season when the 76ers are not on TV, levied an idea that would bring the franchise to its knees with its brazenness.
Philadelphia, PA – After the 76ers dropped their eighth game in a row to open the season, the franchise received some good news for one of its athletes.
Jahlil Okafor, currently the only bright spot in an otherwise dim season, told 76ers representatives he had reach a verbal agreement to return to Duke University this season.
“Great for Jahlil. He deserves to play for a winning franchise,” GM Sam Hinkie said. “We couldn’t be happier for him. It’s a great career move for him and will really help him turn into the basketball player he wants to be.”
Okafor said he couldn’t wait for the NCAA season to begin.
Poor guy.
Dallas, Texas – Greg Hardy, Dallas Cowboys defensive end who has been the focal point of public scrutiny this season after his role in an abusive relationship with his ex-girlfriend Nicole Holder, poured out his heart and soul into a new Twitter bio this morning, showing the world that he himself was the victim in the whole scenario.
Hardy’s Twitter bio now reads this:
“Innocent until proven guilty-lack of knowledge & information is just ignorance-the unjust/prejudicial treatment of diff categories of people is discrimination.”
Millions of tweets, phone calls, and emails have since been sent to Hardy, expressing notes of condolences and regret at the way he has been treated in this whole scenario.
Look at that punim!
I’m at an all day conference and I have a 30 minute break. Instead of chit chatting with potential sources who could give my career a real boost, I’ve decided to write something for my blog that makes me no money.
Five minutes ago I took to Twitter and said I would write ANY article suggested to me by a reader.
Dedicated reader KaboomKid7 came out of nowhere (a la Mankind from under the ring to drag the Undertaker down to hell) and Tweeted this story suggestion to me.
https://twitter.com/Kaboomkid7/status/664201429662482432
I said anything, and he was the first person to respond, so lets look into this question and determine, once and for all, if Glen Macnow is a cranky old man.
Philadelphia, PA – A vocal majority of basketball fans across the country are claiming the Philadelphia 76ers are “waging a war against basketball, Christmas, and all that is holy” this holiday season every time the team wears their new red uniforms.
Joshua Feuerstein, a former pastor who now calls himself a “social media personality,” has been leading a charge against the 76ers for their decision to sometimes wear red uniforms during the Christmas season.
“They’re waging a war against basketball…every time they wear those jerseys it’s an affront to the Lord and everything we love about the game,” he said. “It’s a real shame that they’re choosing to wear red, a traditional color of Christmas, and they’re this putrid of a team. Can’t they stick to their white uniforms and leave Christmas alone?”
The 76ers, 0-7 on the year, have not won a game since last March. Basketball fans cross the country have been criticizing the contents of the 76ers red uniforms so close to Christmas.
Many are calling for a boycott of the 76ers if they do not shelve the special red uniforms until after the holiday season.
Public enemy #1 at the Wells Fargo Center.
Philadelphia, PA – Scott O’Neil, Chief Executive Officer of the Philadelphia 76ers, said the team has been forced to create a “Howard Eskin free zone” around the Wells Fargo Center following the media personality’s rant on Twitter about the state of the franchise.
The 76ers perhaps took a page out of the University of Missouri’s playbook, where representatives ironically created a media-free “safe space” for student protesters, despite it being located in a public area.
“We need to be able to do our jobs without the distraction of Howard Eskin. Did you see how many tweets he levied my way this afternoon? I don’t know what to do,” a visibly shaken O’Neil said.
St. Louis, MO – Current free-agent wide receiver Wes Welker, who enjoyed many fine years with the Patriots and Broncos before suffering several severe concussions, worked out for the St. Louis Rams today in hopes of rejuvenating his stalled career.
The 34-year-old wide receiver has worked out for several teams this year and the last, having not played a game in the NFL since 2014.
He continues to express disbelief that he is not employed by an NFL team, who may be wary of signing the once elite receiver due to his history of concussions.
“I strongly believe I should still be in the National Federation Football League. The doctors say my brain function may not do too good, but I can still catch that dogskin with the best of them. Just give me a chance and I can lead this organization in catching feet, I tell you,” He told several assembled reporters at the Rams practice facility.
Dallas, Texas – Jerry Jones, owner and GM of the Dallas Cowboys, doubled down on his support of controversial defensive end Greg Hardy this morning, just several days after Deadspin procured and released disturbing pictures of a bruised and battered Nicole Holden, a girlfriend Hardy allegedly abused during their relationship.
Jones made his comments at a press conference a day after his Cowboys dropped to 2-6, losing to the Eagles 33-27 in overtime.
“Those pictures were horrible, she looked more frightened than a steer on branding day, but we really don’t know what caused those bruises. It could have been anything…an accident, a fall, a jealous, psychotic boyfriend, who knows?” Jones said, adjusting his bolo tie during the conference. “We don’t like to throw our players under the covered wagon, so to speak. She could have fallen down the stairs for all we know.”
Lomax (center) has signed a one-year deal with the 76ers.
The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.
Having been granted a 16th roster spot for the year, the Philadelphia 76ers have rounded out their squad with a fresh, young, and hilarious new talent that will surely entertain generations to come.
The 76ers announced they have signed Bernie Lomax and his two assistants, Larry Wilson and Richard Parker, to a one-year deal.
Lomax reportedly kept Hinkie in stitches during their meeting with his fun loving attitude and humorous adventures.
Let’s go to the tale of the tape to see just how Bernie may help the team this year.
Chip Kelly is in hell.
Philadelphia, PA – Oh sweet irony. In a plot line so hackneyed it would have been rejected by every Twilight Zone writer, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was officially traded to Tennessee early this morning. However, the head coach will not be reunited with the quarterback he coached in college and so coveted going into this year’s draft, as Kelly was traded for Marcus Mariota.
Mariota received a heroes welcome from the media this afternoon, immediately being named the starting quarterback over struggling Sam Bradford. Thousands greeted his plane on the tarmac of Philadelphia International Airport, showering the young quarterback with praise and admiration.
A taxi cab came to pick up Kelly at the Nashville International Airport and misspelled his last name with an ‘E.’
The Coggin Toboggan 