Eagles

Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

Editor’s note: I really thought we gave up on this column? It’s evident I suck at it. Sure, we all get to have a few cheap laughs at someone’s expense, but holy shit am I awful at making these picks. If you are actually using them to make gambling decisions than you have a big, big problem. I’ll just lose you money. Don’t listen to me on anything ever. That being said….

OHHHHHH MY WHAT A DAY! The Eagles (5-7) are taking on the hated Washington Redskins (6-5-1) and their slightly better than average quarterback Kirk Cousins. YOU LIKE THAT? HUH? THAT’S RIGHT.

This week I 100% GUARANTEE TO MAKE YOU MONEY WITH OUR PICK. We have a great guest picker coming in, someone who really knows his stuff.

The Eagles are currently 1-point underdogs in their matchup. But who will make our picks this week?

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BREAKING NEWS: Doug Pederson tells team Nelson Agholor sent to farm upstate
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He’s living a much happier life now.

Philadelphia, PA – After several repeated inquiries from teammates and coaches prior to tonight’s game against the Green Bay Packers, Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson is reportedly telling those who ask about Nelson Agholor that the young, troubled wide receiver has been sent to live on a farm  in upstate Pennsylvania.

“We thought Nelson needed some room to run, to play, and to live free on a big lovely farm. Plenty of space for him to prance and live his life away from the prying eyes of the media and disappointed coaches,” Pederson said.

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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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We at the Coggin Toboggan hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving. Just remember, as you’re enjoying your turkey and time with family, there are those of us that are spending their Thanksgivings alone, in an empty apartment with a bottle of half-empty Wild Turkey, weeping softly to ourselves as we watch that episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air where Carlton and Hillary volunteer at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving and make complete asses of themselves.

Please enjoy some of the articles we enjoyed writing this past year.

Elated Gerald Henderson thought MVP chants were for him.

Abbot and Costello make our Eagles picks for the week.

Disappointed Ryan Howard definitely expected a car.

Deadbeat dad really going all out with upper deck Phillies tickets.

Mike Missanelli hospitalized after watching Chase Utley receive two curtain calls.

Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

I…where do I even start? Three straight weeks, hardly any correct picks, it’s been and out and out nightmare. Sure, the Eagles proved us wrong and got a victory against the Falcons, but at what cost? They made us look foolish and I’M NOT IN THE BUSINESS OF BEING MADE THE FOOL.

It doesn’t get much easier this weekend, as the Eagles (5-4) are going west to take on the Seattle Seahawks (6-2) and hopefully not commit suicide like Kurt Cobain after the game. It’s a dreary region, I’m just saying is all. Don’t think it would be a bad idea to take Nigel Bradham’s guns away from him if they lose….

Eagles Win-Loss predictions: 3-6

Eagles spread predictions: 3-6

DARK. Oh well. The Eagles are a 6.5 point underdog, so it’s time to bring out the big guns. So, who exactly will be making our Eagles picks this week?

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

I guess being so poor at picking games is softened by this country slowly moving down a conveyor belt hovering over rapidly spinning thresher blades. It’s only a matter of time, people, before we see the four horsemen of the apocalypse riding roughshod through the sky. IT’S THE END OF DAYS, REPENT, REPENT FOR ALL YOUR WORTH YOU NONBELIEVERS.

But hey, Eagles this weekend! Eagles! 4-4 and teetering on the edge of the volcano with the high-powered Falcons offense coming to town. What’s a conservative estimate for Julio Jones’s performance this Sunday? 180 yards and 2 touchdowns? I’ll consider it a victory for the Eagles horrendous secondary if he stays under 200 yards receiving.

Anyways, somehow this game is a pick-em. I figure we’d reach out to someone who is on Cloud 9 after Donald’s big victory this week to give us his prediction for the Eagles game at 1 p.m. on Sunday.

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It’s official, the Eagles are worse than the stomach flu
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The face that launched a thousand buckets of puke yesterday.

My kid has had the stomach flu since Wednesday. This house has been filled with puke, shit, tears, and all sorts of horrendous bodily fluids since early last week, some of them even from him.

Whether or not the puking/shitting was caused by him actually watching the first quarter of the game with me is yet to be determined.

Good LORD that was terrible. Doug Pederson basically had a stroke on the sidelines and decided to leave 6-points on the field in a crucial NFC East game and now the Eagles are where they belong, in the mother fucking basement.

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Josh Huff dropped a “Do you know who I am?” on his arresting officer

b80e8530Eagles wide receiver Josh Huff was arrested for allegedly speeding on the Walt Whitman Bridge with marijuana and a handgun this past night and faces stiff penalties from the city.

The city police report, obtained by the Coggin Toboggan, cited that the arresting officer was going to let Huff go on a warning, but was perturbed when the athlete dropped a “Do you know who I am?” while he was being detained.

“I was set to release Mr. Huff on his own recognizance after declaring he was not a danger to himself or anyone in the area, but Mr. Huff became perturbed at my perceived mistreatment and asked me if I ‘knew who he was’ during the arrest,” The arresting officer said in the report.

Upon recognize the underachieving wide receiver, the arresting officer immediately placed Huff place in handcuffs, slammed into the hood of the police car, arrested and now faces 45-years to life in a state penitentiary if found guilty of drug and hand gun possession.

An Eagles team representative said the potential jail time is “tough, but fair,” and the organization would not be providing Huff with a lawyer.

Oh great, a 63-year-old Terrell Owens is available for the Eagles

terrell-owensThe Eagles are not going to make a trade for Alshon Jeffery or Brandon Marshall. Let’s get that out of the way right now. It’s not going to happen.

Torrey Smith might be a more apt target for Howie to acquire, but is he going to propel Philadelphia to the Super Bowl? I doubt it.

So what’s left? Oh lovely, Terrell Owens, 63 -years-old, just said he’s available and willing to come out of retirement and play for the Eagles. He most likely made this statement between his live in assistant feeding him bites of apple mush and aquacize class at the YMCA.

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Who will make our Eagles picks for this week?

Wow…this is why I never bet on football games. The gravy train with biscuit wheels is officially off the tracks. Oh my god we SUCK at making picks for these Eagles games. After a hot start we’ve gotten all four predictions wrong in the past two weeks.

Oh wait, I mean, our guest pickers are terrible at making predictions because these are REAL guests making REAL picks for us.

We are awful.

So this week the Eagles (+4.5) take on the hated Cowboys in a clash of the top two NFC East teams. Dak Prescott welcomes Philadelphia to Arlington and Skip Bayless is already creaming in his jeans to see his crush take on Carson Wentz and the Eagles.

Just admit you want to tenderly kiss Prescott’s neck, Skip, and your life will be so much happier.

Win/loss prediction results: 2-4

Against the spread: 3-3

But who will make our picks this week…it’s Tony Romo! Tony, welcome to the Coggin.

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REPORT: Eagles interested in trade for Alshon Jeffery, all other NFL wide receivers
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Will Alshon Jeffery be a member of the Eagles this year?

Philadelphia, PA – Reports are slowing leaking out of Philadelphia that Eagles GM Howie Roseman may be looking to make a little magic happen before the NFL’s trade deadline on Nov. 1, 4 p.m.

Reports have come into the Coggin Toboggan claiming the Philadelphia Eagles are looking to make a deal to acquire every wide receiver in the NFL and are willing to give up multiple draft picks to do so.

The Eagles are reportedly interested in Alshon Jeffery, Torrey Smith, Odel Beckham Jr., Antonio Brown, Julio Jones, DeAndre Hopkins, AJ Green, Steve Smith Sr., Victor Cruz, Desean Jackson, Demarius Thomas, Pierre Garcon, Will Fuller V, Dez Bryant, Jordy Nelson, Doug Baldwin, Emmanuel Sanders, Terrell Pryor Sr., John Brown, Michael Floyd, Tavon Austin, Kenny Britt, Cody Latimer, Marqise Lee, Larry Fitzgerald, Willie Snead, Golden Tate and several others.

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