Eagles

Thousands feared dead in massive Philadelphia football fever outbreak

The CDC has released a special infographic detailing the dangers of Football Fever.

Philadelphia, PA – The death toll has topped 3,000 today as a city gripped in a full fledged case of football fever can only sit and wait to see if the epidemic will claim anymore victims.

Mayor Michael Nutter addressed the media this morning and said the situation in the city was grim.

“Far too emergency responders were summoned this weekend by frantic callers saying their loved ones were unresponsive on their couches, love seats, or in many, many cases, their La-Z-Boy recliners. In 95% of the cases the emergency technicians could not revive our citizens,” Nutter said.

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Snickers the Possum is back and doing what he loves best, analyzing football!

Snickers the possum.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that discarded banana peels are excellent sources of potassium and I’m an excellent football analyst.

You may ask yourself, HEY, how in the world can a possum be good at analyzing football? Well, it’s a simple answer. I love to skulk around people’s homes here on Maple Avenue and when I’m not snout deep in a discarded baby diaper I’m peeping into windows and watching football! What a game. The brutality, the excitement, the wide open fields a lucky possum could scamper through while eating peanut shells and living his life to the fullest….but I digress.

And boy oh boy, where I live is Eagles country so I’ve seen more Eagles games in my life than I’ve eaten moldy pieces of bread, which let me tell you, is quite a lot. I have the intestinal parasites to prove it.

So I’ll be here, each Friday, giving my professional opinion on the upcoming Eagles game and letting you, the fair reader, know what to expect each week.

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Former Eagles quarterback Tim Tebow converts to Judaism

Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for a change in his life after the latest setback to his professional football career, formerly devout follower of the Catholic faith Tim Tebow decided it was time for a new chapter in his life and completed his conversion to Judaism late Wednesday evening.

The embattled professional athlete said it was definitely for the best.

“Let’s be honest, I wasn’t doing so hot as a Catholic. Sure I had a good run there for a few years, honored my mother, kept a few commandments holy, gave up soda a few times for lent….but where did it get me? Cut by the Eagles and out of football. Where’s your messiah now, Moses?” Tebow asked a group of reporters.

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Patriots forced to release Donovan McNabb puking blooper reel

Philadelphia, PA – After ESPN released a massive, hard hitting story on Tuesday afternoon detailing the scope of the New England Patriots alleged efforts to cheat from 2000 to 2007, illegal videos taped by Patriots employees have started to surface as the investigation digs deeper.

Despite multiple fan and player accounts accusing the Patriots of stealing Eagles signals during the 2004 Super Bowl, no such videos or evidence have yet to surface.

However, a Kraft Productions video tape of the Eagles during the Super Bowl did surface yesterday and has brought the city down to its core.

Entitled, “Donovan McNabb Super Bowl Puke-a-Rama,” the two-and-a-half minute, professionally edited video shows new angles confirming the Eagles quarterback puking during the fourth quarter of the Eagles comeback attempt.

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BREAKING: Records show Andy Reid on leaked Ashley Madison list

Notable names keep popping up in the wake of the hacked Ashley Madison client list, but perhaps no name is as notable for Philadelphia sports fans as Andy Reid, who was shown to have used the site between 2003 and 2005.

Reid, coach of the Eagles from 1999-2012, was shown to have actively used the site to meet several women in the tri-state area. Reid, now a coach with the Kansas City Chiefs, declined to speak with Coggin Toboggan reporters who asked him for a comment.

Data shows Reid used the site actively during his three-year subscription and spoke with several women but never met with any.

The first, Amy Johnson, 46, of Malvern, was a wedded mother of two children who worked with Tastykake from 1988 to the present.

The Coggin Toboggan procured the 2003 Ashley Madison transcripts from the illicit couple’s first discussion.

WARNING. The following is most definitely an adult discussion and should not be viewed by children under the age of 18.

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Michael Vick thrilled to not be the most detested quarterback on roster

Pittsburgh, PA – Minutes after signing a one-year deal with the Pittsburgh Steelers, Michael Vick pointed a finger skyward and thanked God he could finally blend into the roster and not be the most hated member of a professional football organization.

Vick, of course, pled guilty in 2007 for his role in the Bad Newz Kennels dog fighting scandal. The kennel had over 70 dogs seized in a massive search of Vick’s sprawling estate by local, state and federal authorities.

Vick was given a second chance in the league when signed by the Philadelphia Eagles in 2009. Protestors and critics followed Vick to New York City for his stint with the Jets, lambasting the organizations for signing the controversial figure.

All of that was whisked away when he signed a one-year deal Tuesday afternoon with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

ESPN NFL analyst John Clayton said the signing “is great for Michael Vick, but I’m not so sure what the Steelers are getting out of this.”

“Basically, let me put it this way. If you’re Pol Pot quarterbacking a football team, you’re going to be hated by just about everyone. However, if Pol Pot gets traded to a football team quarterbacked by Hitler, well then hey, Pol Pot’s not such a bad guy all of a sudden.”

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Higher power responsible for Miles Austin’s concussion finally revealed after weeks of speculation

Philadelphia, PA – In a stunning turn of events, WWE Chairman and Owner Vince McMahon delivered a shocking message to Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin, who has been sidelined with a concussion for the past three weeks.

McMahon finally revealed that it was him, it was him all along, the higher power who gave the oft-injured receiver his latest concussion.

The dastardly McMahon revealed the truth at last night’s Monday Night Raw. The jarring video was caught on tape. WARNING, the contents are disturbing.

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Tale of the Tape: Mike Missanelli vs. Josh Innes

Reports and pictures out of Eagles practice today (and this is not bullshit) are confirming a confrontation between 94 WIP mid-day host Josh Innes and 97.5 The Fan mid-day host Mike Missanelli on the sidelines of the joint Eagles/Ravens scrimmage this afternoon.

Nothing has been confirmed, but Crossing Broad has posted pictures from a tipster and Jimmy Kempski, Eagles writer for PhillyVoice, showing some sort of confrontation between the two supposedly adult males who cover sports for a living.

(They cover sports and want to fight each other…lets all let that sink in for a few minutes)

It’s unknown if things reached a physical level, but we decided to look at the tale of the tape for both hosts – who we again remind you are fully mature and grown men – if they were ever locked together in combat.

Let us know who you got if these two ABSOLUTE TITANS ever decided to throw down.

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Reports from Eagles practice describe “incredible freakout” by Les Bowen

Les Bowen in calmer times

Philadelphia, PA – Reports coming out of yesterday’s Eagles practice are sketchy , but what can definitely be confirmed from the afternoon session is veteran Daily News reporter Les Bowen threw, what eyewitness could only describe as, an “absolute shit fit” when linebacker Kiko Alonso did not show up for a Q&A session with the media.

Tim Smithely, a front office public assistant, said Bowen went into an “absolute conniption fit” when the press officer mentioned Alonso had declined to participate in the media session.

“All of a sudden he just threw his arms up in the air and loudly stomped away from the group, grumbling about deadlines and wasted time. It was an incredible freakout, I haven’t seen anything like it in all my years with the team,” Smithely said.

Smithely added that it was “definitely a good old fashioned hissy fit.”

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Tebow couldn’t have been better! vs. Ehh lets not go too crazy here

Tebow couldn’t have been better!

Anthony John Vincenzzo.

Unbelievable. What a way to ingratiate yourself with the hard nosed, blue collared fans of Philadelphia. I cannot remember a better debut in my lifetime, even my buddy Sully said he was impressed and Sully is not easily won over. He’s been drinking the same brand of beer for the past 25 years (Narragansett if you wanted to get him a case for the feast of San Gennaro) so he’s a hard man to convince.

But you can’t argue with the results. One touchdown on a sweet six-yard run and a 50% completion rate is absolutely nothing to sneeze at. Plus, 69 yards (69 bro!) through the air in a half is not too shabby when you’re trying to manage the clock and run out the end of the game.

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