Angelo Cataldi

In the spirit of the Thanksgiving season, it’s time for the Coggin Toboggan pardon
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What are you looking at? Gobble gobble.

Ahhhh Thanksgiving. A time for family, a time for good food and a time for visiting those weird relatives who still don’t have cable even though it’s 2016 and serve striped hard candy for dessert. You know the ones, their house smells like cat piss even though to the best of your knowledge they’ve never even owned a cat? Yeah, them. I know, they suck, but they’re lonely and nobody ever visits them, so get your ass over to their house and PLAY NICE.

Each year, the current president pardons two turkeys on the eve of Thanksgiving to keep the birds out of the slaughterhouse. Sure, it means absolutely nothing when hundreds of thousands of them are actually sent to the slaughterhouse each year, but it’s kitschy!

So it got us to thinking…why don’t we steal the idea and pardon someone we’ve given a hard time to over the past year? That’s a nice gesture, right? Sure it is, it’s a great look for us and will give us some much needed positive press after last year’s unfortunate holiday post, “It’s a Jerry Sandusky kind of Thanksgiving.”

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Angelo Cataldi to decrease pork consumption to just 10 portions a week while Colin Kaepernick starts

060512-Angelo-Cataldi-400Angelo Cataldi is taking a stand against San Francisco 49ers Head Coach Chip Kelly’s decision to bench quarterback Blaine Gabbert in favor of Colin Kaepernick, who has drawn national attention to his National Anthem protests this season.

The boisterous 94 WIP Morning Host said he would also take a stand and protest Kaepernick’s presence on the football field.

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Congratulations to Angelo Cataldi for completing the 1 millionth flip-flop of his career!

060512-Angelo-Cataldi-400What a day to be alive in Philadelphia. It’s not hot, the Eagles are merely days away from opening their 2016-2017 season, and one of the most decorated broadcasters in the city’s history reached an impressive milestone in his career over the Labor Day Weekend.

Vaunted waffler Angelo Cataldi, co-host of the 94 WIP Morning Show, successfully flip-flopped on yet another opinion after Sam Bradford was traded to the Minnesota Vikings this weekend.

It’s the 1 millionth flip-flop of Cataldi’s career. He joins noted wafflers Howard Eskin, Ike Reese, and Anthony Gargano to reach this pinnacle of broadcasting success in Philadelphia.

The countdown for his career milestone began on April 25, when record keepers noted Cataldi notched his 999,999th flip-flop when he threatened to drive Sam Bradford to the airport himself, and then three days later tweeted the Eagles shouldn’t trade the young quarterback.

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Howard Eskin: Well well well, look who came crawling back
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Special guest columnist Howard Eskin.

By Howard “The King” Eskin – Well well well. Look who it is. If it isn’t my old friends over at 94 WIP. Whatever could you be doing here, at the Eskin compound, on this fine Thursday morning?

What’s that you say? You have a proposition that you’d like to run by me? Well hold on just a second, because as I recall almost five years ago you pushed me out of my afternoon drive show to make room for some nobody.

I had to watch as that fat stunad Anthony Gargano first unraveled the hard work I put into that 3 to 7 p.m. time slot, watching him slobber all over that microphone. It was enough to turn my stomach.

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City of Philadelphia issues excessive hot-take warning during first day of training camp

580x400-trainingcamp-announcePhiladelphia, PA – City officials are warning Eagles fans to limit their internet and twitter exposure today, as Eagles beat reporters and local sports reporters are unleashing hot-takes at a furious pace today during the first day of Eagles training camp.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney warned elderly citizens and children under the age of 10 to stay off the internet completely. With a lack of substance and meaningful action on the field, Kenney warned the city that reporters would go to any lengths to suck readers in.

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REPORT: Heart disease really killed it last night at the Cataldi/Eskin roast
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I hate this picture with every fiber of my being.

Philadelphia, PA – Billed as a brutal night of comedy for two local sports talks legends, guests at the Sports Roast of Angelo Cataldi and Howard Eskin, held Thursday night at the Crystal Tea Room in Philadelphia, were subjected to flat jokes and bad puns from local sports figures for nearly two hours.

However, the room was abuzz after an up and coming comic force really made its presence felt throughout the event.

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Fat, ugly old man expresses displeasure at SI Swimsuit plus-size model
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Gahhhhhh!

Ghoulish, gargoyle-like radio host Angelo Cataldi expressed his utter disappointment at Sports Illustrated’s decision to place plus-size model Ashley Graham on the cover of its annual swimsuit edition during a segment of the WIP Morning show today.

Clutching a microphone in his liver spotted, gnarled hand, Cataldi wondered as to how this may have happened.

Cataldi discussed the publication’s decision to put Graham on the cover, spitting tiny flecks of his morning repast over his microphone cover, filling the studio with his halitosis  as he decried the state of the publication’s once revered swimsuit issue.

The ghastly looking host leered at several young female interns and remarked how he would much rather see them in a bikini over Graham, as he picked at several scabs on his dry scalp before concluding his show.

At press time, Cataldi asked his co-hosts if they thought Graham had any respect for her own body, while at the same time he eagerly picked off a fungus ridden toenail that had been “hanging on by a thread” for the past several weeks.

WINGETTE RIOT UPDATE: Mayor Kenney orders implosion of WFC
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All that remains of the Wells Fargo Center.

Philadelphia, Pa – The Wingette Riot of 2016 has ended following orders from new Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney to implode the Wells Fargo Center, sealing the violent Wingettes in a tomb of rubble and chicken wings for all eternity.

The implosion commenced after a Philadelphia SWAT team determined the scene was too violent and dangerous to enter. All Wing Bowl attendees were evacuated before the Wells Fargo Center was demolished.

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UPDATE: Wingettes have rioted at Wing Bowl, hundreds feared dead
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Scene inside Wing Bowl 24 as the Wingettes continue their cocaine riot.

Philadelphia, PA – Tragedy has struck Wing Bowl 24, as the Wingettes in attendance at the annual Philadelphia eating event have violently revolted against the show and are participating in an all out riot due to the lack of cocaine available, according to a Coggin Toboggan source.

The Wingettes reportedly fashioned crude molotov cocktails out of PJ Whelihan’s wing sauce and have been lobbing them into the crowd and the stage of competitive eaters, badly burning thousands in attendance and likely killing hundreds.

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BREAKING: Tragedy at Wing Bowl 24 as wingette cocaine reserves all but diminished
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Several Wingettes earlier this morning when cocaine supplies were still ample.

Philadelphia, PA – Details are slim at this point in time, but a Coggin Toboggan reporter on the scene of Wing Bowl 24 has relayed to our offices that the cocaine deposits doled out to Wingettes through the annual eating event have all but been depleted and the event still has several hours until completion.

Wing Bowl Wingettes, scantily clad young women from various strip clubs and fatherless homes throughout Philadelphia, have been used as cheerleaders for the competition and as eye-candy during each competitor’s grand entrance into the Wells Fargo Arena.

The young ladies have traditionally been willing to participate in the degrading performance as long as plenty of booger sugar has been available to numb feelings and cloud the senses.

Several hundred eight-balls are typically needed to give Wingettes the strength to tolerate thousands of drunken South Philadelphia louts screaming  at them to show the crowd their tits.

“It’s a madhouse down here. These young ladies are jittery as hell and coming down fast. Eyes are becoming less cloudy and tensions are high. Things are going to get ugly,” our source has told us.

We’ll update readers as more information comes in.