Alleged Dez Bryant video purchased by The Coggin Toboggan

Will Dez Bryant’s career ever be resurrected following the release of this controversial, disgusting footage?

Earlier today, the Coggin Toboggan was able to purchase the Dez Bryant video that has been teased to the media for the past several days. It was a major coup for our small, fledgling blog, but we believe it will thrust us onto the same stage as Deadspin and ESPN.

After hours of intense negotiation with shady, back alley channels, we purchased the infamous video for a hefty sum.

The video is embedded below.

With all of the rumors floating around the internet about this particular video, the CT editor in chief decided it was imperative to jump on the opportunity to purchase what could be a seminal video in 2015.

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Sam Hinkie improvs 15-minutes of material on Philadelphia sports media members

Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps belied by his impromptu, off-the-cuff take down of Howard Eskin during last Thursday’s press conference, Philadelphia 76ers GM Sam Hinkie performed nearly a 15-minute routine in which he insulted just about every sports media member in attendance.

“Where is Howard Eskin, that in the middle of a werewolf transformation mother fucker,” Hinkie asked, borrowing a line from the late Patrice Oneil. “Is he still in Florida? Tell him Andy Reid is in Kansas City and needs his dick sucked.”

Hinkie left his podium and delivered several biting, blistering lines to the stunned members of the Philadelphia press he had invited to the conference.

“Oh you didn’t like that I traded Michael Carter Williams last week, Angelo? You don’t know what a father should tell his son who has a Michael Carter Williams jersey? I’m not sure about that, but that father should definitely tell his son not to listen to some ancient hack columnist whose legacy will be that of morbid obesity in the form of a wing eating competition,” Hinkie said, his face inches away from Cataldi’s. “I wouldn’t fuck your fat pussy with Rhea Hughes’ cock.”

He moved around the room with the precision of a surgeon, stopping in front of each reporter to levy more insults, each more personal than the last.

“Have you seen these new advertisements the Daily News is putting around the city for Marcus Hayes? Great strategy. His fat fuck face is so swollen it needs the side of two bus stops to fit on. His picture looks like he smells like a combination of rotten cheese and garlic.”

Hayes reportedly wept softly for the remainder of the media session.

Capping off the massive insult session, Hinkie went into overdrive and described the following members of the media as such:

– Dei Lynam: “How does she still have a job in this town? I’d say it was nepotism if she were better looking.”

– Les Bowen: “This old mother fucker can’t go to a funeral without people wondering how the corpse got out of its coffin.”

– John Gonzalez: “Someone check his green card, he’s taking a job away from a more talented American journalist.”

– Jim Adair of Crossingbroad – “Watching this goofy bastard take shots on the Wells Fargo Center court this offseason made me realize there are certain ‘athletes’ out there that you can’t trade for a second round draft pick. Piece of shit looks like someone who has forgotten to take his seizure medication.”

As of press time, Marcus Hayes was seen still sobbing in his car in the parking lot.

Editor’s Note: The CT is going Turkish

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Yesterday, we at the CT published an article about Furkan Aldemir being traded by Sam Hinkie, but nobody telling Furkan he was off the team because everyone was too frightened by the Turkish national athlete tell him the bad news. The post, for whatever reason, went insane. The CT received at least 30 views from people in Turkey and about 15 from Croatia (I had no idea Dario Saric was such a fan) and is already one of the most popular pieces we’ve published on the site.

My god, do you people know what this means? The Coggin Toboggan, in less than two months of being active, has become a global powerhouse.

To the people of Turkey, we salute you! Merhaba (hello)! Karşılama (welcome)! Prenses (princess)!

Of course, for anyone who has read the site we love to write about Furkan Aldemir. We know nothing about the young man, but we enjoy portraying him as a startling foreign presence who intimidates his fellow athletes with stereotypical old-world Turkish tendencies. Do we actually think he uses a voodoo doll to curse Hinkie on a daily basis? Most likely not. Do we think he actually travels to away games with a collection of scimitars? 100% yes. I’d be insanely disappointed if this proved to be untrue.

In fact, we’ve even started to reach out to Furkan on Twitter (@furkanaldemir19) to see if he’d like to be interviewed to shed some light on what type of a person he really is. Yes, we’ll probably be blocked by him, but who knows? Maybe we’ll become good friends (definitely not).

It has crossed my mind that all of the PURELY satirical nonsense we publish on this site is being read by terrorist cell in Turkey who are none to pleased about my American sense of humor. I am aware I may be a part of some back alley terrorist group or renegade Aldemir fan group’s kidnapping plot, and I’m ok with that. If you are going to come at me, just know I won’t go quietly. I’ve seen “Taken” twice and I sleep with a pair of brass knuckles on both fists every night, much to the chagrin of my wife who found out I punch in my sleep.

So to the people of Turkey, I promise you I will continue to cater CT coverage to your whims and will most likely write about 1,000 additional Furkan Aldemir pieces while this site is still up.

Cehennemde görüşürüz (see you in hell).

Sam Hinkie too nervous to tell Furkan Aldemir he was traded last week

Furkan Aldemir, most likely high on lotus blossoms.

Philadelphia, PA – 76ers GM Sam Hinkie has yet to tell noted Philadelphia small forward and noted oddball Furkan Aldemir that he was traded to the Sacramento Kings last week for a second round pick.

The GM has been seen approaching Aldemir for the past several days after practice and before games, only to become unnerved and walk away when the unshaven Turkish athlete would make eye contact with him.

Hinkie’s most recent attempt came last night before the tip-off in Miami, but he was rebuffed when he noticed Aldemir was methodically sharpening a collection of scimitars he ships to each away game.

“Yes, he was traded last week to the Kings for a second round pick, but nobody has told him yet. It’s, well, it’s a difficult situation, I have to say,” Hinkie said, visibly flinching when he heard a loud noise come from outside of his office. “Is that him? Jesus, he freaks me out. The other day he brought a trashbag into the locker room and something was rustling around in it and it smelled awful. Brett tried to tell him to leave it outside, but he smashed it against his locker and the rustling stopped.”

Hinkie noted that he figured Aldemir would “get the drift” when he wasn’t listed on the 76ers active roster and hadn’t played a minute since last Thursday, but the athlete remains blissfully unaware of his fate.

“As long as he continues to be allowed to sleep in the locker room on a mat of straw, has his chamber pot emptied that he insisted upon in his contract, and the commissary has plenty of blood boar sausage on hand, I don’t think he’s ever going to leave this place willingly,” Hinkie said, shuddering.

As of press time, Aldemir was seen glaring at Hinkie, a small doll of Hinkie’s likeness on a stool next to him and a box of poisoned pins in his lap.

Brown: Phils ‘not on same page’ last season

Domonic Brown, hard at work.

Clearwater, Fla – Domonic Brown addressed the media yesterday after the team’s afternoon session and stated that he believed the Phillies were not all on the same page last season.

“Personally, I don’t think we all had the same goals last year, we weren’t playing Phillies baseball. This year, I want everyone to be on the same page as I am for the 2015 season” he said. “I will try my best to help us lose every single game we play this year.”

“Whether I’m striking out in key situations or making sure that I’m grounding into a double play with a 3-0 count to end an inning rally, I’ll be doing everything possible to make sure we’re one of the worst teams not only in our division, but also the entire major league.”

Brown expressed disbelief that anyone who watched his performance from last season could doubt he was trying to lead by example.

He pointed out his numerous fielding gaffes on routine fly balls as a way of really giving it all to make sure he and the team failed at the highest level.

“What do I have to do this year to prove myself? Throw a live ball into the stands when I think it’s the third out in the bottom of the 9th inning in a tie game with the runner on third? Bat right handed a few times in the middle of a game? I’m giving it my all people, and I hope the rookies on this team look to me as a perfect example of what they should be doing to make sure our fans lose interest in this team by mid-May,” he noted.

If every single player in the locker room did not believe this team could go “0-162, then, man, I don’t know why you’re here in the first place.”

At the conclusion of the interview, Brown was seen practicing throwing dropped fly balls over home plate into the luxury boxes of the stadium.

Lesser known players invited to Phillies spring training

Known simply as GLC, the new Spring Training batting instructor (right) will provide solid hitting advice and fiscal responsibility to the Phillies this year.

Clearwater, Fla – Each year, hope springs eternal for a number of minor league players invited to Clearwater, Florida, to participate in Spring training workouts with the Philadelphia Phillies. The CT has compiled a list of long shots who have been invited to Spring training, but will most likely not begin the year in the major leagues.

George Louis Costanza – Assistant to the traveling secretary – Invited to Spring Training as a hitting instructor, Costanza was last seen in the big leagues delivering hitting instruction to Bernie Williams and a young Derek Jeter. Believes in the simplicity of physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. It’s not complicated. One con, however, as the Yankees were only able to win the World Series that year in six games.

Thomas Langford – Right handed pitcher – Invited to Spring training after Ruben Amaro Jr. saw him throw a 72 mile per hour pitch at the fast-pitch game on the Ocean City Boardwalk last summer. Immediately signed the 39 year old father of 3 to a minor league deal worth $1.2 million guaranteed.

Johnny “Wild Thing” Thomasino – Catcher – A 17-year-old catching prospect that some feel is being brought along to the big leagues too quickly. However, can quote the entire “Major League” film trilogy from memory, so he’s always good for a laugh.

Oscar “El Dorado” Nunez – Left fielder – After missing out on three highly touted Cuban prospects, Phillies scouts used the entirety of their international signing budget on Nunez after a translator declared him to be a “great driver” of the ball to all parts of the field. It was later found that a bit was lost in translation, as Nunez was a “great driver” of athletes to ball fields, his former profession being that of a taxi driver who shuttled ballplayers to and from games in his coveted Cadillac Eldorado each season. Still invited to Spring training.

Lenny Dykstra – Former Phillies center fielder – Has been brought in to provide Ryan Howard with some solid financial advice and investment opportunities.

Michael Carter Williams takes out ad lambasting Philadelphia fans

Hope you can still return that hat for store credit, Michael.

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing the tradition of athletes leaving town taking out advertisements in local newspapers for fans, Michael Carter Williams purchased full page colored ads in both the Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News to hurl insults and thank fans for wasting his time during his tenure on the 76ers.

“Looking back at my two years here, I just have to say to each and every Philadelphia fan, from the bottom of my heart, to go fuck yourselves,” he wrote in the full-color advertisement, which featured a single photo of Williams flipping off the camera. “I sincerely mean those words. To every obese, piece of shit that screamed at me to make my free throws and stop turning the ball over, I hope you have a heart attack and drop dead in front of your friends and family.”

The second year player was traded last week to the Milwaukee Brewers as part of a three team trade, which saw the 76ers receive a first round pick in exchange for the young athlete.

Williams didn’t hold back when he reached 76ers GM Sam Hinkie in his letter.

“To that pasty, cunty, bloated mother fucker that has been wanting to trade me since his gummy hands gained control of the franchise, truly, I hope you have a stroke. I don’t want you to die, I just want you to be trapped in a husk of your former body, forced to watch me make all star game after all star game in future years, as you spend your remaining days drooling on yourself as you’re confined to an uncomfortable wheelchair.”

At one point in the advertisement, it seemed as if Williams had wiped excrement on the copy.

“Hopefully, you’ll be run out of this town by the ungrateful, blue collar slobs who will call for your head when none of your assets turn out to be anything, you analytics loving fat fuckwad.”

Several members of the media described the ad as being the most vicious exit from the city of Philadelphia since Eric Lindros left a flaming bag of dog shit on Bobby Clarke’s front porch.

76ers down to four players on active roster

I need more second round picks…I desire them.

Philadelphia, PA – After a flurry of activity at the trading deadline yesterday, the 76ers are down to four active players on the roster for tonight’s game vs. the Indiana Pacers.

“Perhaps we went a bit overboard after we traded Michael Carter Williams, KJ McDaniels, Robert Covington, Luc Mbah a Moute, Nerlens Noel, Henry Sims, Hollis Thompson, Joel Embiid, Henry Sims and Jason Richardson for three first round picks and 37 second round picks in the 2015 to 2035 NBA draft,” GM Sam Hinkie said today.

The only remaining players on the 76ers roster are JaVale McGee, Tony Wroten (injured), Andrei Kirilenko (has yet to appear in a game), and Jerami Grant. A D-league player from the Houston Rockets was included in the bevy of deals, but has refused to step foot in the Philadelphia locker room for fear of being traded again.

“We have assets, oh so many assets. Just think of what we could trade with these second round picks….maybe we could get more second round picks!” Hinkie said excitedly, as his underlings looked nervously at each other.

Several sources from the 76ers front office have expressed fear that Hinkie has become mad with power. After the deadline passed, Hinkie was found in his office speaking into a telephone that was clearly not plugged in.

“He was trying to trade Franklin the Dog (the 76ers new mascot) for a new emcee to announce the games. We had to put a stop to this,” A source said.

To round out the roster for the next game, the 76ers announced they would select a lucky fan from the crowd prior to tipoff to start at point guard.

Oh my sweet jesus

“3…2…1”

“Fuck yeah.”

What the hell just happened?! Who is on the 76ers anymore…I’m so confused. Can they even field five players for the next game? KJ McDaniels and MCW gone. Excuse me while I go throw up in the mens room for the next three hours. Hinkie, you mad genius, you may have gone TOO far after you obviously read my fabulous column about the 76ers being the most exciting team in the city.

You magnificent bastard.

Deeply reflective Cole Hamels: I won’t win with the Phillies, nor with this blight upon my soul

Cole Hamels, perhaps reflecting on the teachings of Proust.

Clearwater, Fla – Showing a side of himself to the media few have seen, the quiet spoken Cole Hamels opened up about the upcoming season, his chances of staying with the Phillies, and the darkness residing in every man’s soul, born or dead.

Casting his eyes skyward, Hamels sighed deeply as he sat down on the pitchers mound at the Phillies spring training complex with a book of Nietzsche in his lap. He lectured the throng of reporters surrounding him in a pained voice, his once youthful and energetic face a scrunched mask of torment and anguish. It was almost as if he had looked into the abyss, seen it looking back at him, and realized the insignificance of his existence.

“What does anything really mean. What is winning in the grand scheme of life? I’ll make some more money if I leave, more than I could ever possibly spend, but where does that leave me at the end of my life? How am I any different from the pauper when we both perish? We both become dust, two more empty husks to wither away into the ether.”

For nearly three hours Hamels touched upon the afterlife, what it means to be a human being, the dual nature hiding within every man, woman, and child, and the lack of depth in the Phillies bullpen.

When asked by David Murphy on what Phillies fan should hope for in the upcoming season, Hamels looked up at the beat reporter and wept, openly and deeply.

“Hope, in reality, is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man,” he said, quoting the German philosopher.

Hamels then said he would approve a trade to either the Los Angeles Dodgers, San Diego Padres, or to the Pashupatinath Temple in Nepal to live out the rest of his meager existence in seclusion and deep reflection.