Bartolo Colon ejected for suspiciously delicious foreign substance on arm during yesterday’s start

Bartolo eats because he is unhappy, and unhappy because he eats. It’s a vicious cycle.

New York, NY – Bartolo Colon, starting pitcher for the New York Mets, was ejected from his start after Philadelphia Phillies manager Ryne Sandberg alerted home plate umpire Larry Vanover to a strange substance on the pitchers forearm.

Upon closer inspection, Vanover found the substance was blue cheese dressing. He was able to confirm the substance’s presence even though Colon frantically tried to lick the condiment off of his forearm before the umpire could reach the pitcher’s mound.

Through a brief search, Vanover also found several buffalo wings stowed away under Colon’s cap. As he left the field, several pieces of celery fell from his pockets and a number of wet naps could be seen sticking out of the back pocket of his uniform.

A closeup of the embattled and rotund pitcher showed his face was smeared with hot sauce and several pieces of chicken were stuck in the folds of his neck fat.

“Frankly, there’s no place for it in baseball. We fully expect Bartolo to be suspended and we will be sending him to an emergency Weight Watchers meeting as soon as possible,” New York Mets manager Terry Collins told the media after the game was concluded.

Colon was not available to take media questions after the game, as he said he had some pressing matters to attend to at the clubhouse buffet

BREAKING: 76ers leak mock-ups of new uniforms

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing the overhaul of the entire organization, Philadelphia 76ers representatives have been teasing the idea of new uniforms and new team logos since the conclusion of the 2014-2015 season. Well folks, The Coggin Toboggan has received leaked information from the organization’s front office and has three separate mock-ups of what the new uniforms may look like for the next season.

Here are each of the uniform prototypes and our thoughts on the ensembles.

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Editor’s Note: Goodbye David Letterman, I’ll always remember my appearance on your show

30th Annual Walter Kaitz Foundation Fundraising Dinner

File Photo: Coggin Toboggan founder nearly kicking David Letterman in the face.

To take a moment off from discussing the banality and pointlessness of Philadelphia sports, I’d like to reminisce a bit about the one and only appearance I ever made on Late Night with David Letterman.

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Sam Hinkie trades third overall pick for draft rights to Joel Embiid, may be slipping into the darkness

3…2…1….

Did it again. Hinkster out, bitches.

Philadelphia, PA – Mere moments after the conclusion of the draft lottery, 76ers GM Sam Hinkie announced the trade of the #3 pick last night to the Los Angeles Lakers for the exclusive draft rights to Joel Embiid. Hinkie either forgot the athlete was already under team control or has started a slow descent into madness.

“We love what we see out of Joel. Yes, he did sit out all last year, but we feel he would have been the number one overall pick in this year’s draft,” Hinkie said, winking at a number of reporters and obsessively clicking a fountain pen in his hand.

At this point, it is unknown if Hinkie has another plan up his sleeve or has started to slowly buckle under the pressure of a very dedicated fan base.

Several reports have come in to the Coggin, detailing some odd behavior coming from Hinkie after the lottery. He was observed having a very loud and energetic discussion with a potted plant in the hallway of the Barclays Center, in which he described the fern as being “lazy” and “a blight on society.”

Further reports have come in this morning, claiming Hinkie hopped into a cab outside of the arena and demanded the flustered cabbie drive him to the Ottoman Empire, so he could make his fortune in the trade of exotic spices and silks.

The Coggin Toboggan contacted a media representative of the 76ers, who released the follow comment:

“Sam has been under a tremendous amount of stress lately and he has been taken away for a very long, and much needed rest. He will receive the best of care. We appreciate no further inquiries into his mental state as of this moment.”

As of press time, Hinkie was seen running down Broad Street in a strait jacket, being chased by several men with large butterfly nets.

Sam Hinkie concocts Ocean’s Eleven-esque caper to win NBA draft lottery

(For best effect, please listen to the song at the end of the article.)

Philadelphia, PA – 76ers GM Sam Hinkie, along with 10 other Philadelphia basketball legends, left for Brooklyn this morning in five non-descript black SUVs, having spent the past several weeks concocting a plan to assure the 76ers win the NBA draft lottery this evening.

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BREAKING: Flyers hire Reggie “Reg” Dunlop as next head coach

File photo of Reggie “Reg” Dunlop.

Philadelphia, PA – In a surprise move this morning, Philadelphia Flyers GM Ron Hextall announced the next head coach of the organization. Reggie “Reg” Dunlop will officially be named as the 19th head coach of the Philadelphia Flyers.

The move comes as a bit of surprise to fans and the hockey world, as Dunlop has no previous NHL experience. His last coaching experience was with the Charlestown Chiefs in the Federal League, a low level, semi-professional league.

Dunlop served as a player-coach for the Chiefs, and it’s unknown if he will do so for the Flyers.

“Reggie has years of experience coaching and playing. His hard nosed, but loose, style of coaching will fit well with the Flyers and fans will love him,” Hextall said.

Even though he has no NHL experience, Dunlop has a proven track record of grooming young and exciting hockey prospects. Of course, Dave “Killer” Carlson and Ned Braden are two of the lesser known players groomed by Dunlop, but the three most well known prospects were the fabled Hanson brothers (Jeff, Steve and Jack) who led the Federal League in penalty minutes for 10 straight seasons.

Dunlop has had several on-ice incidents which may be construed as black marks against his character, including putting a bounty on the head of rival forward Tim “Dr. Hook” McCracken and inciting a bench clearing brawl after claiming Tommy Hanrahan’s wife was a lesbian.

Despite his eccentricities, Dunlop is known for his affinity for “Old-time hockey.”

“I’m looking forward to showing these guys the ropes. Heard you have some great bars in Philadelphia, should be a real gas,” Dunlop said at an impromptu press conference this morning. “You have some great sportswriters here too, they really capture the spirit of the thing, you know?”

As of press time, Dunlop was reportedly feeding a rumor to Philadelphia Inquirer Flyer beat writer Sam Carchidi that a wealthy retirement community in Florida was interested in purchasing the team.

Maikel Franco shows up to Phillies clubhouse with sleeping bag, Avengers backpack

What, are you going to cry now?!

Philadelphia, PA – Maikel Franco, called up to the Phillies for the first time this season from AAA, showed up to the Phillies clubhouse this afternoon timidly clutching a sleeping bag and wandering around aimlessly looking for his locker.

Despite having spent a few weeks up with the big team last fall, Franco looked bewildered and nervous as his teammates hustled and joked around him.

Barely bringing his voice above a meek whisper and with tears starting to well up in his eyes, Franco approached Ryan Howard and asked the veteran slugger if he could point him in the direction of his locker.

“Rookies don’t get lockers until they smell this,” Howard said, grinning as he held up a jockstrap to Franco.

Franco quickly turned and walked away from a cackling Howard. He spent the next 20 minutes watching his teammates get ready for hitting practice from the entrance of the clubhouse restroom before a bat boy escorted him to his locker.

After depositing his backpack and sleeping back in the locker room, the embarrassed and intimidated rookie reportedly took his uniform into a utility closet to change. Upon exiting, he was greeted with howls of laughter and points from his teammates, who noticed the frazzled Franco had accidentally put his pants on backward.

Quickly retreating back into the closet to fix his pants, Franco scrambled to his locker and spent the remaining time before practice quietly whispering to his Iron Man action figure.

“They’re so mean to me Tony…I want to be back at Reading with my friends,” he said to his Avengers: Age of Ultron Iron Man action figure. “Everyone is so much bigger and older…I don’t think I can do this.”

As of press time, Franco had reportedly called his mother and requested she pick him up from Citizens Bank Park and bring him home. She reminded Franco that she and his father currently live in the Dominican Republic, and for him to send money soon.

We’re going to the draft lottery, bitches

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

76ers current record: 0-0.

Fuck and yes, people, my boy Stinkie Hinkie notified us today and told us that we are going to be representing the squad at Tuesday night’s draft lottery. Nerlens will be there, of course, and I’ll be high, hi-topped and faded, and we’ll be watching those ping pong balls bounce to see where we land for the 2015 draft.

It’s going to be fabulous. The 76ers will be picking up the tab for our night out in Brooklyn. We’re going to take that hipster town over and see where we fall for the draft.

Either way, I hope we get to pick somewhere so we can draft my boy D’Angelo Russell from Ohio State. We hung out with my boy last week and he actually seemed PUMPED to come to Philadelphia. He kept talking about how he couldn’t “wait to see the Empire State Building” and “visit the Shivering Sea” and “walk over the Golden Gate Bridge” all in one day. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was talking about New York City, a fictional body of water in “Game of Thrones,” and San Francisco…literally none of those things are in Philadelphia.

That Ohio State education might not be working out for him.

Either way, we are going to get FUCKED up Tuesday night. I’m a little worried, though, that Furkan is going to tag along. Nobody will tell him he can’t come…if he shows up he’s going to get into the car and there’s no way he won’t ruin the entire broadcast.

He could provide some extra muscle, maybe intimidate Silver to give us a few extra ping pong balls. Fuck it, I’m calling him, Furkan and me are going to take this city by storm.

Go Sixers, baby!

It’s a take about nothing: Maikel Franco!

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal with Maikel Franco rumored to be coming up to the Phillies on Friday?! He’s up, he’s down, he’s up, he’s down, he’s being bounced around more than a basketball at a Jewish summer day camp!

But seriously, make a decision on this kid and end it! He’s racked up more frequent flyer miles from Philadelphia to Reading than Governor Christie has charged cheesesteaks to the New Jersey taxpayer. Am I crazy, or is that a lot of cheesesteaks?!

Just play him or get rid of him Amaro, we’re serious. Enough of this kid getting yanked around each year, lets see if he can swing the stick or not. Look to the cookie, Elaine, look to the cookie!

All of this coming up and down reminds me of Larry David in the open mic scene in New York back in the early 80s. He’d come with me to the Chuckle Hut, high on cocaine and gefilte fish, and agonize for hours on whether he’d take a stab at this comedy thing. I’d have to convince him to come out of the mens room to perform for his five minutes, which would just lead to him drooling on the microphone in a cocaine and bourbon induced stupor.

On a related note, it’s how he came up with the gag of Kramer drooling on the gym floor after getting a strong shot of novocaine and hurting Jimmy. Except in real life, one of the talented young comics slipped on Larry’s drool and actually became PARALYZED from the waist down and never did comedy again! Believe me, the gag was much funnier when we did it on Seinfeld years later and much less tragic.

What’s the deal?!

Cody Asche optioned to big farm upstate to transition to happier life

He’ll be so much happier now.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a 4-3 loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday night, current third baseman Cody Asche was optioned to a big farm with plenty of wide open spaces to transition into a much more happier life than the Phillies could ever provide for him.

“He’s going to a big farm where he’ll have plenty of space to run around, to dance and prance among the poppies, somewhere he’ll be much, much happier,” Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. reportedly told the clubhouse after the game. “He’s going to like it so much better there.”

The 24-year-old third baseman was reportedly seen being loaded into a nondescript white van and transported away from the stadium after the game.

Several members of the roster expressed confusion as to why Asche had to leave.

“But…but Rube…why did Asche have to go. Will we ever see him again?” A tearful Ben Revere asked the GM, sitting atop Amaro’s knee in the clubhouse.

“Cody just needed to be somewhere else. It wasn’t because you were a bad boy, he just wasn’t going to become the best ballplayer he possibly could with our organization. No, no Ben, we can’t visit him. His new family would be much too sad. This is better for all of us.”

As of press time, observers noted hearing a loud shotgun blast from the van transporting Asche. The vehicle then made a sharp left and started to drive towards the waterfront.