To take a moment off from discussing the banality and pointlessness of Philadelphia sports, I’d like to reminisce a bit about the one and only appearance I ever made on Late Night with David Letterman.
Dave, what a long strange trip you’ve had in this game of show. You celebrated your last appearance Wednesday night and it certainly brought a tear to my eye as I fondly thought back on my Late Night appearance.
The year was 1987. I was high as a kite on goofballs and Hawaiian Punch and had just shot up an inordinate amount of Drain-O into my leg vein before tottering out onto your stage.
You must have known something was up from my stained bell bottoms, frazzled hair and wild look in my eyes, but you gamely played along with my nonsensical ramblings about fictional movies I was slated to star in and my wild theory on how dogs were spreading chlamydia through the slums of the country.
You professionally tried to steer me back to the reason I was on your show in the first place, to publicize the release date of my new drug intervention handbook, “Sobriety through More Drugs: A Hip Lifestyle,” even though I would not stop asking your stagehands for more cocaine while still on air.
You calmly called for a commercial mere moments after I tried to kick you in the skull, as I was hallucinating thousands of bugs crawling over your skin.
Even though we haven’t spoken since that night, and the last you ever saw of me was my flailing body being dragged off the stage by 10 security guards, I’d like to thank you for what you did for my career.
You are a gentleman, Dave, and I will certainly never forget it…nor will I forget the grueling 15 years I did in maximum security prison after you promptly had me arrested and sentenced to the full extent of the law.
I harbor no ill-will towards you or no grudges. Could you please tell me your home address, so I can send you a little something to show you my thanks? I think you’ll find it will give you a SHARP surprise and you’ll find happiness EXPLODE within you.
Here’s to Dave, the man who saved and ruined my life all at the same time.