BREAKING NEWS

Marcus Smith thrilled to get chance to underwhelm fans, coaches at training camp

The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Following the news that OLB Travis Long had torn his ACL for the second time in three seasons, second year OLB Marcus Smith knew this would open doors for him in training camp.

You never want to hope for the injury of another teammate, but the opportunity is not lost on Smith.

“I can’t wait to get out on the field and show the coaches what I did over the off season,” Smith told reporters Thursday morning. “I don’t want to go too much into my training regiment, but let’s just say I got up to 20 pushups and over 50 jumping jacks at my absolute peak. Do you think anyone else here can do this?”

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Eagles hope to reach short-term extension with Sam Bradford’s hospice care provider

Philadelphia, PA – Eagles front office representatives confirmed Tuesday morning that officials were working closely with Sam Bradford’s agent to agree on a short-term extension with the quarterback’s hospice care provider.

“Based on Bradford’s latest workout and physical examination, we don’t believe we should invest in a long-term extension at this time,” a front office rep said, preferring to remain anonymous.

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HitchBot is alive and well, thanks to Philadelphia engineers at the Coggin

Oh Hitchbot, you captured our hearts with your charming wit, your warm smile, and your limbs all akimbo as you traveled through Canada and down through America.

But then, this weekend, some horrible Philadelphian decided it would be “funny” and “amusing” to give HItchBot a swift kick in the face and destroy the defenseless tuna can.

It was unconscionable.

But, all is not lost. Engineers and scientists at The Coggin Toboggan knew they had the technology to rebuild him. They had the technology and capability to make him faster and stronger.

Ladies and gentlemen, Hitchbot has been resurrected thanks to the Coggin Toboggan. Here is a video of us deploying him in the streets of South Jersey.

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Nelson Agholor totally stoked for camp to begin

Philadelphia, PA – Nelson Agholor, Eagles wide receiver draft pick out of USC, expressed his excitement to finally get to camp next week and enjoy a little bit of mother nature.

“I heard they have this awesome rope swing that totally swing you out over a pond and launches you like 100 feet up into the air. I’m definitely going to do that first. And then I’m going to go over to the archery range and check that out. I bet I’ll be super, super good at it. I kick butt with my Nerf set at home,” Agholor said.

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Phillies trade Cole Hamels, sack of marbles, Petey for prospects

He’s free now, free and happy.

Cole Hamels was traded last night to the Texas Rangers in a move many experts are saying the Phillies gave up too much in order to bring back two talent-laden prospects.

However, while the negotiating details of the trades are kept quiet, The Coggin Toboggan has gained insider information as to HOW Andy MacPhail found out about the trade from Ruben Amaro, Jr.

It’s a fascinating insider look at how these trades are completed and what goes into making them. Did the Phillies get enough back? Was MacPhail happy with what Ruben completed?

Lets watch, shall we?

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A city mourns as beloved Phillie Jonathan Papelbon is traded

EDS NOTE: LEWD GESTURE - Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Jonathan Papelbon gestures to the crowd after giving up four runs to the Miami Marlins during the ninth inning of a baseball game Sunday, Sept. 14, 2014, in Philadelphia. Papelbon was ejected from the game. The Marlines won 5-4. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

The dedicated and classy Jonathan Papelbon has been traded.

Philadelphia, PA – What will undoubtedly be remembered as one of the darkest days in Philadelphia Phillies history, franchise saves leader Jonathan Papelbon was traded yesterday to the Washington Nationals for a minor league pitcher.

Ruben Amaro, Jr. had to hold back tears at a press conference when he made the announcement to the assembled media.

“It’s…it’s tough sometimes. You try not to take things personally, but this is not easy. Jonathan Papelbon, or Paps as he liked to be called, has been traded to the Nationals,” he said. “It hurts. It really does.”

Amaro then broke down in tears as he was consoled by franchise executive Andy Macphail.

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Philadelphia readies itself for “Class-5 Burrell” set to devastate city Friday evening

The GOAT.

Philadelphia, PA – City residents, bars, girlfriends and wives are preparing themselves for this week’s estimated “Class-5 Burrell” set to slam into Philadelphia sometime Friday evening.

Experts are predicting this year’s devastation could be the worse yet, far worse than the “Class-4 Burrell” the city experienced in October of 2008.

“The last time Pat Burrell blew into this city it took Philadelphia months to recover,” said Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz. “So much destruction. We never thought we would get back on track, but we managed to survive. Unfortunately, from our early estimations this year’s Burrell could be bigger, more destructive, and far more drunk than the Burrell we remember riding on top of the horse drawn beer cart at the 2008 World Series championship parade.”

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Tom McCarthy gets in one last advertisement during final out of Hamels no-hit game

Safe and secure, safe and secure!

Chicago – As Cole Hamels watched a rocketed fly ball travel out to centerfield, his hopes of a no-hitter hanging in the balance, Phillies announcer Tom McCarthy knew he had a job to do and knew he had to do it well, as this would be a moment for every Phillies fan to remember.

As Odubel Herrera circled back and made a sprawling catch to seal the historic moment for Hamels, TMac, as he is affectionately known by fans, knew the moment was a big one.

“I thought to myself, how can I make this a moment for fans to remember? This is a goal Cole has been trying to reach for his entire career, and I knew I had to make it special,” McCarthy said after the game. “But then I remembered we hadn’t reached our quota of New York Life commercials, so I knew what I had to do.”

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Hulk Hogan finally triumphs over celebrity status and remaining goodwill

After a decades long battle with his stardom and collective goodwill, Terry Bollea, aka Hulk Hogan, finally defeated his celebrity this morning with a big boot to the face and several leg drops.

Hogan reportedly “Hulked up” this morning after a controversial video surfaced in the media, shaking his fists and puffing his cheeks as he drew strength from deep within himself.

Hogan whipped his remaining goodwill into the ropes and delivered his patented Big Boot maneuver to the face of his opponent.

Putting a hand to his ear, Hogan bounced off the ropes and leaped high into the air, crashing down on what little of his celebrity remained.

Hogan pinned it for the 1, 2, 3 and the victory.

“This just shows and you can do when the Hulkster runs wild on the Jews! Say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and don’t marry any black men!” Hogan screamed into Mean Gene’s microphone after the match

Hogan celebrated with the remaining white members of the audience.

WWE broke all ties with Hogan after the match.

Chase Utley gearing up for one last depressing run

Philadelphia, PA – Yesterday, early visitors to Citizen’s Bank Park were not alone, as Chase Utley’s bat cracked through the stadium as he took part in an extra batting session several hours before the Phillies afternoon game was scheduled to begin.

It’s a testament to Utley’s spirit, who is working hard to ensure he gets healthy just in time to completely tarnish his legacy in the final stretch of the season.

“That’s the plan. Hopefully I’ll make some minor league rehab appearances next week and be back with the club in two weeks. From then on, I plan to languish away on the bench behind the more effective younger second baseman, making fans depressed at how my career is ending,” Utley said. “It should be great.”

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