I hate this picture with every fiber of my being.
Philadelphia, PA – Billed as a brutal night of comedy for two local sports talks legends, guests at the Sports Roast of Angelo Cataldi and Howard Eskin, held Thursday night at the Crystal Tea Room in Philadelphia, were subjected to flat jokes and bad puns from local sports figures for nearly two hours.
However, the room was abuzz after an up and coming comic force really made its presence felt throughout the event.
Noted alligator conspiracy theorist Shawn Andrews.
Philadelphia, PA – Ex-Philadelphia Eagles lineman and noted mental patient Shawn Andrews took to his twitter Wednesday afternoon and posted a number of Tweets questioning the legitimacy of the alligator attack that killed a 2-year-old tourist in Orlando earlier this week.
Andrews claimed President Barack Obama approved the funding and staging of the attack to enable the U.S. Government to strengthen alligator control laws throughout the country and eventually take away all alligators from law abiding citizens.
“The government has been trying to take alligators away from good, hardworking U.S. citizens for years. This is just another way for Obama to introduce more stringent alligator-control laws, despite our country’s constitution plainly defending every American’s rite to own and operate alligators,” Andrews told reporters this morning.
Is this the infamous Tits Smithington?
A reader forwarded us an email today that provided crucial details to an urban legend that has bounced around Philadelphia for the past year. The email lends credence to the legend of “Tits Smithington,” a go-getter of an employee at a local Philadelphia public relations firm that may have actually been Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce.
The email described how a burly, good-natured employee had been hired at the firm in the fourth quarter of the 2015 fiscal year. The author said the employee was known around the office as “Tits Smithington” and frequently wore football cleats to work.
The dedicated reader who alerted us to Tits Smithington said several employees at the firm first suspected the employee was not who he said he was and was actively hiding his real identity:
Well, the first red-flag was that he never gave the human resources office his Social Security Number and refused to take any pay for the job, saying he was doing most of it pro-bono as a way to unwind from his stressful weekends. When asked what he did on the weekends that was so stressful, Tits would just wink at us and say he spent about eight weeks a year in South Philadelphia, eight weeks a year out of Philadelphia, and if things went right another few weeks after that participating in his other occupation.
Plus, it was obviously Jason Kelce. Tits Smithington is a blatantly false name and he answered to the name ‘Jason’ about 99% of the time without realizing it. He even wore his jersey to the office a few times and we heard him talking to “Coach Kelly” on his cell phone in the break room just about every day.
Nobody seemed to mind though. He landed the Jenkins account and always treated the office to happy hours on Friday. Fun guy. Hope he comes back soon.
So was Tits Smithington actually Jason Kelce? Signs point to yes, some signs point to no. I guess we will never know for sure.
How will his family take care of his “final expenses” when he’s gone?
Philadelphia, PA – Just a day after signing the most lucrative non-quarterback contract in the history of the NFL, Eagles defensive lineman Fletcher Cox knew it was time to start thinking about his final expenses.
The 25-year-old star athlete, who just signed a $103 million deal (of which $63 million is guaranteed) noted he was watching Jeopardy and saw an advertisement for Colonial Penn Life Insurance and he began to worry about what his loved ones would do when he passed away.
The face of a championship winning professional athlete.
Pittsburgh, PA – Just a day after the Penguins captured their 2nd NHL Championship in seven years, NHL representatives issued a stern warning to Pittsburgh right-winger Phil Kessel to keep his food-related celebrations with the Stanley Cup to a “bare minimum” when it was his turn to spend a day with the vaunted trophy.
As is tradition for a championship team, each member of the roster receives at least one day with the Stanley Cup in the offseason to do what they please. According to legend and second-hand information, players have thrown the Stanley Cup into pools during wild parties, baptized their children in the trophy, and have even etched messages or extra names into the cup.
The Afterlife – A number of heavenly sources confirmed today that Gordie Howe, “Mr. Hockey,” arrived in heaven safely and immediately made his presence felt in the ethereal plane.
One archangel said Howe grabbed a stick almost at once after emerging from the Pearly Gates and hopped onto a frozen pond for a pickup game with a number of other deceased hockey legends.
“Great to see Howie out here, ruffling some feathers and stirring the pot, as per usual,” said Maurice “Rocket” Richard, who passed away in 2000.
About 10 minutes into the spirited contest, Howe blasted a slap shot past Terry Sawchuk to notch his first goal in the afterlife.
The Philadelphia Eagles are looking for a new Senior Analytics Position employee to lead the franchise into a new era of advanced stats and smarter decisions, breaking away from the traditional methods of scouting and selecting players for the organization.
Obviously, I am the perfect candidate for the job. If you know me, you know that analytics are my bread and stats are my butter. Oh no, wait, stats are my bread and analytics are my butter. Wait, no, stats are my butter – no – analytics are my butter – Ok, lets just say stats and analytics are my various breads and various butters (if anyone knows what Woody Allen movie that bit is from, I’ll give you a kiss).
Full disclosure, I’ve never actually PLAYED organized football, but I was a goddamn whirling dervish out on the grid iron whenever we played our annual tackle football match among friends over Thanksgiving weekend. I could effortlessly call our defense into a Cover 2 to stop the over the top pass that’s been KILLING US ALL DAY and make the tough calls to bench the most hungover of team members.
Plus, do you have any idea how much time I wasted as a kid playing Tecmo Super Bowl? There’s no rule in the NFL that says a quarterback can’t run straight back into their own end zone and then uncork throw that goes off the top of the screen before landing in the waiting hands of a receiver 100 yards away, right? No? Good, then I’m golden.
Either way, the Eagles would be FOOLISH to pass up this steel trap of a football mind that any team would jump at the opportunity to bring on.
Don’t look right at it, you may go blind.
By DARIO SARIC – You must excuse my English, it’s not, ehh, so well at this point in time, but I am learning. I am very much looking forward to playing in the greatest city in the USA, Philadelphia, next year for the 76ers after my time is completed with the Anadolu Efes.
I do not know too much about America and the City of Brotherly Love, but my great friends have told me that American ladies, and especially ladies of Philadelphia, enjoy…ehh…how do you say in English…a long ride on the mustache?
Yes, that is it. They greatly enjoy a mustache ride and I’d like to give all the girls of my new hometown city a long mustache ride. It will be greatly enjoyable for all involved.
Philadelphia, PA – The differences between new head coach Doug Pederson and Chip Kelly have never been more evident than the first several days of mandatory workouts, Eagles linebacker Mychal Kendricks told reporters Wednesday morning.
Kendricks said the majority of the team’s veterans have already taken notice and respect Pederson’s less stringent practices, his ability to be more flexible, and the cancellation of the team’s enema program that Kelly strictly enforced for the past two seasons.
Best basketball player in the world, or America’s greatest traitor?
Steph Curry recently announced he would not be participating in the upcoming Olympic games due to his various injuries and for his apparent hatred of America. I’m sure if MOTHER RUSSIA knocked on Steph’s door and offered him a hammer and sickle he’d jump at the opportunity to play.
Well guess what Steph? When Lady Liberty comes a calling, you’d better be ready to accept the charges and put aside your little dings and maladies to give it all for the red, the white, and the blue.
Dos vedanya comrade, don’t let your bottle of vodka hit your ass on the way out.
The Coggin Toboggan 