BREAKING NEWS

So you’ve decided to enter a hot dog eating contest…

Top Speed Eaters Compete In Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Now you’re in the shit.

Well, now you’ve done it this time, Mojombo. You ran your mouth again, wrote a check you couldn’t cash, and now you’ve found yourself smack dab in the middle of a good old fashioned Fourth of July weekend hot dog eating contest.

Calm down, calm down, stop crying. First off, I salute you Mr. or Mrs. John. Q. America. You’re participating in one of the most patriotic events a citizen of this grand country can be involved in. It’s every American’s god given right to overeat stuffed meat byproduct in 90 degree weather and then pass out on a red ant hill in front of your embarrassed children.

But whether you’re in the glitzy big time of Nathan’s Fourth of July contest or some back alley, unsanctioned eating event with only your wits and iron stomach to survive, the strategies for victory are the same.

We’re here to help at The Coggin Toboggan. So strap in tubby, we’re taking you on a wild ride down a gilded, hot dog paved road to success.

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Frazzled Bryan Colangelo completely spaces on NBA free agency

colangelo_headshot Philadelphia, PA – Citing his extremely full plate right now and a million other things he has to do, Philadelphia 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo woke up today and quickly realized he forgot all about the NBA free agency period that starts tonight at midnight.

When asked why the local sports media had been reporting all week that the 76ers would be heavy players in the free agency market, Colangelo said his dad must have been speaking to reporters again.

“God he does this to me all the time. Just let me live my life, Dad,” the harried Colangelo said, scrambling to find his cell phone. “It just completely slipped my mind, ok? Is Lebron James a free agent this year? Maybe we should call him? God this is not good, it’s Toronto all over again. How much money do we have to spend? I’ve got like $50 in my wallet, will that help?”

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Buddy Ryan places bounty on Tom Landry

Fielding several interviews during his first day in Heaven.

The Afterlife, Heaven – Immediately after entering through the Pearly Gates, popular ex-Eagles head coach Buddy Ryan donned a pair of aviator sunglasses, hitched a pair of sweat socks up to his knees, and declared the first denizen of the ethereal plane that really decked the famous Dallas Cowboys head coach Tom Landry would receive $100.

Ryan sauntered into the afterlife and immediately hooked up with former defensive stalwarts Jerome Brown and Andre “Dirty” Waters, riling the two up with a fevered and passionate speech compelling them to blindside Landry the next time the ex-coach walked down Heaven Boulevard to a replica of Cowboys Stadium, where he relives some of his greatest moments as a head coach.

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Carl Lindros: “I did it!”

Carl Lindros’s son.

Toronto, Canada – A jubilant Carl Lindros celebrated with his wife, Bonnie, in their Toronto home Monday afternoon after the NHL Hall of Fame selection committee elected Carl Lindros’s son to the hall of fame.

Lindros, who once claimed the Flyers had tried to kill his son in 1999, can finally take his place among the great, meddling hockey parents of all time.

The helicopter parent said this “made all of my personal sacrifices, blood, sweat and tears completely worth it” and that he was “very honored” to be a part of “my big day.”

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Carl Lindros to ‘make a few calls’ to Hall of Fame selection committee on behalf of son

Will this be the year Eric Lindros is elected to the NHL Hall of Fame? His father plans on it.

Toronto, Canada – Carl Lindros, father and former agent to Eric Lindros, told his son Monday that he would “reach out” to several members of the NHL Hall of Fame Committee and “pull a few strings” to ensure Eric received his hall of fame nomination this year.

Lindros, the supremely talented center who spent the majority of his career with the Philadelphia Flyers, racked up 865 points over 760 regular season games and led the Flyers to a Stanley Cup Championship in 1997. He won the NHL’s Hart Trophy in 1995 as the league’s most valuable player, but may be remembered more for injuries derailing his career and for having two perceived “meddling” parents who steered the career of their talented boy. He also never won a Stanley Cup, which many cite as a big knock against his resume for the Hall of Fame.

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76ers announce they will draft and stash every active member of roster

Philadelphia, PA – Following a productive 2016 NBA draft, but citing that they are still not within striking distance of competing for a title, 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo announced the organization would draft and stash every single member of the active roster for 2016-2017.

“It just makes sense. Are we going to win a title next year? No we’re not. So why not get these guys some experience and see what we can do in 2017-2018,” Colangelo said.

He said the 76ers will stash Joel Embiid, Nerlens Noel, Dario Saric, Hollis Thompson, Isaiah Canaan, Ish Smith, Robert Covington, Elton Brand, Jerami Grant, Kendall Marshall, JP Tokoto, Carl Landry, Richaun Holmes, Christian Wood, Ben Simmons, Timothe Luwawu and Furkan Korkmaz in the darkest, most desolate points throughout the globe, away from the prying eyes of media and fans.

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BREAKING: Ben Simmons turns down 76ers contract, says he must find his own way

Ben Simmons reportedly turned down the 76ers contract after being drafted #1 overall. What happened?

Brooklyn, NY – Minutes ago, number one overall pick Ben Simmons met with GM Bryan Colangelo in a green room after being drafted by the organization and told the executive that he would not be accepting the 76ers contract because he “wasn’t yet ready for greatness.”

Simmons and Colangelo discussed the 19-year-old Australian’s plan for his life for several minutes. When the two left the green room, they reportedly settled on a handshake before parting ways.

The 6-foot-10-inch power forward out of LSU met with throngs of media after his brief meeting with Colangelo and explained his decision for turning the 76ers down.

“I’m only 19-years-old, what do I know about being a professional? Sure, the money would be nice, but I don’t feel as if I’m mature enough to be a member of the 76ers roster just yet. I must find my own way if I wish to be successful,” he said.

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Isaiah Canaan expresses unfounded concerns to friends that he could be traded on draft night

hi-res-7dca3ac617c4e91020e67e8201c97e90_crop_north Philadelphia, PA – Isaiah Canaan, veteran shooting guard for the Philadelphia 76ers, has told close friends and relatives that he is concerned the organization may try to trade him on draft night to gain another top-five pick.

Canaan has expressed anxiety to his closest group of confidants that the 76ers would decide to focus on the future and not want to win now, forcing their hand to trade the shooting guard to either Boston for the third overall pick or Phoenix for the fourth pick.

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Dario Saric makes huge announcement on his future

Dario Saric, the vaunted Croatian-born professional athlete that has been rumored for the past two years to be joining the 76ers, reached out to The Coggin Toboggan’s email address (thecoggintoboggan@gmail.com) this afternoon to make an announcement on his future.

Currently playing for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, the 22-year-old forward emailed The Coggin at 1:25 p.m. this afternoon to notify our site about his career. This is not surprising, as The Coggin is currently the most popular sports website in all of Turkey due to our comprehensive coverage of national hero Furkan Aldemir.

From his email address DSaric43589@unisa.cr, Saric sent the following to The Coggin Toboggan:

Hello and best wishes to you and yours exhalted family!

I wish to notify you about a blessed busines deal in your favour from the Turkish Basketball League of Super! Hello, am Dario Saric, a foreword for Anadolu Efes, and am very much wanting to come play the professional basketball of the USA and the Filadelphia Seven Sixers!

Unfortunately, I cannot leave my contract with the league unless a $10,000 transfer fee is paid to my coach head. I do not have the money msyelf, so in God’s name I hope you can please wire me the small funds amount so I may live my dream and play in the Americas.

I know this sounds too better to be true, but it is not! The most things of crucial to be done is to wire a transfer fee of $10,000 to complete the transaction. What are you wayting (sic) for! Please help me today.

God bless you,

Dario Saric

WOW! You heard him, we need to set up a Go Fund Me account to get him over here! This is too good to be true. What a week for the 76ers!

We’d kick in some money for this venture, but we donated all of our petty cash to Joel Embiid, who sent us an email letting us know a Congo prince had left us a “sizable” inheritance in his will after he died.

REPORT: 76ers Joel Embiid cleared to resume tweeting at Rihanna

screen-shot-2014-08-01-at-7-20-58-am Philadelphia, PA – The good news keeps on coming for the Philadelphia 76ers, as team doctors and physicians have cleared oft-injured 22-year-old center Joel Embiid to resume his tweeting to pop-star Rihanna.

Christopher C. Dodson, MD, head physician for the 76ers, said Embiid could resume “light-tweeting” to Rihanna during the mornings and late afternoon, under the strict supervision of team officials.

“We’re getting him slowly back to doing what he loves. He’s been extremely patient throughout this entire process and is eagerly awaiting full clearance to get back to where he was several years ago,” Dodson said.

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