76ers announce they will draft and stash every active member of roster

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – Following a productive 2016 NBA draft, but citing that they are still not within striking distance of competing for a title, 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo announced the organization would draft and stash every single member of the active roster for 2016-2017.

“It just makes sense. Are we going to win a title next year? No we’re not. So why not get these guys some experience and see what we can do in 2017-2018,” Colangelo said.

He said the 76ers will stash Joel Embiid, Nerlens Noel, Dario Saric, Hollis Thompson, Isaiah Canaan, Ish Smith, Robert Covington, Elton Brand, Jerami Grant, Kendall Marshall, JP Tokoto, Carl Landry, Richaun Holmes, Christian Wood, Ben Simmons, Timothe Luwawu and Furkan Korkmaz in the darkest, most desolate points throughout the globe, away from the prying eyes of media and fans.

Oddly enough, the only member of the active roster that will not be stashed is third year shooting guard Nik Stauskas, whom Colangelo said would likely be traded or have his contract sold to a Chinese fish cannery at a later date before the upcoming season.

“We still think we can be competitive next year. One of our ushers is almost 6-feet tall and has assured us he is quite good at basketball, despite undergoing a total hip replacement last year at the age of 59. We’ll be fine,” Colangelo said.

Colangelo said he expected the team to “vie for a playoff spot” by 2025 at the very earliest.

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