BREAKING NEWS

Injured Ryan Mathews having best start to a training camp in his career
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The oft-injured Ryan Mathews is having his best start to a training camp ever.

Philadelphia, PA – Running back Ryan Mathews expressed his positivity to reporters this morning about his status in training camp, noting that a sprained ankle before the official start of camp is a personal best for the oft-injured Eagles running back.

Mathews reportedly sprained his ankle TRAINING for training camp last week and will likely miss several days after being placed on the non-football injury list.

It’s the best start to a season he’s ever had in term of an injury, Mathews told reporters.

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Pardon My Take says Sam Bradford’s name three times, summons Anthony Gargano to show
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The lover of incredible meats.

Philadelphia, PA – After levying several shots against Big Cat and PFT Commenter for their recent GQ feature, the Pardon My Take podcast hosts summoned Fanatic Morning Show Host Anthony Gargano to their studio (apartment) after saying Sam Bradford’s name three times into their bathroom mirror.

Gargano spent the good portion of a segment this morning wondering why GQ Magazine would publish a feature on the popular podcast hosts and chastising his producer for “fawning all over Big Cat” when he met him in person.

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Bernie Sanders: Thank you for keeping Mike Missanelli away from me during the DNC
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Sanders bringing down the house at the DNC.

Philadelphia, PA – An energized Bernie Sanders appeared at the Democratic National Convention this afternoon and congratulated the city on hosting a world class event, while also having the foresight to ban blowhard and Philadelphia embarrassment Mike Missanelli from city limits for the duration.

Sanders noted that if he even caught whiff that Missanelli was trying to re-enter the city during the DNC, he would hunt him down and run him over with his campaign bus.

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Mike Missanelli bound, gagged, dumped at city limits prior to the start of the DNC

20091224_fm400Philadelphia, PA – Fanatic midday host Mike Missanelli was reported as missing this morning by 97.5 FM management, after two well-dressed hired goons threw a sack over his head while he was walking into the radio station and tossed him into the back of a nondescript utility van.

After a nearly 35 minute drive, in which the host was tossed around the back of the van as it took several sharp turns at high speed, he was unceremoniously dumped out of the back of the van by the city workers.

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Jeremy Hellickson talks trade concerns, which teams he would accept in a deal
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Hellickson knows he could be traded to a new team fairly soon.

Philadelphia, PA – Fresh off a sparking eight-inning, shutout start against the Miami Marlins, Phillies pitcher Jeremy Hellickson acknowledged today that he may be traded to a contender but would only accept a deal to a team that could forward his career.

Hellickson said he has enjoyed his time with the Phillies, but would welcome a change if the fit was right.

“If I’m traded, I want it to be on my terms to a team that can help my career in the long run,” Hellickson told reporters this morning.

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Doug Pederson destroys horrifying sports science creation found at NovaCare Complex
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What horrors did this man see?

Philadelphia, PA – Eagles head coach Doug Pederson nearly burned the NovaCare Complex to the ground last night after the new coach made a gruesome discovery in the bowels of the Eagles training camp facility.

“It was horrible, just horrible. The scream it made after I sent it to hell….I’ll be hearing that in my nightmares for the rest of my life,” Pederson said, still donning a blanket a fire fighter had draped over him after the incident.

Wanting to cut back on the sports science technology mandated by former coach Chip Kelly, Pederson stumbled on a hidden back room in Kelly’s old office after he accidentally flipped a secret lever while trying to move boxes of hydration technique books out of the space.

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Did Melania Trump plagiarize from other sources as well? Our researchers say yes
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Melania Trump at the Republican National Convention. (Photo Credit: New York Post photograph Chad Rachman)

Last night, millions watching the Republican National Convention saw potential first-lady Melania Trump deliver a powerful speech to the delegates that brought on thunderous applause for her husband, and Republican candidate for the president, Donald Trump.

But the keen eared among the viewers knew they had heard parts of her speech before. Several portions of Melania’s speech were extremely close to an address Michelle Obama gave at the 2008 Democratic National Convention.

Side-by-side comparisons of the transcripts of both speeches show Melania following Obama’s speech nearly word-for-word at portions.

Melania: Because we want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them.

Michelle Obama: Because we want our children — and all children in this nation — to know that the only limit to the height of your achievements is the reach of your dreams and your willingness to work for them.

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Marcus Hayes: ‘Dario came over because he knew of Turkey coup and I have gone heat crazy’
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Marcus Hayes in cooler times.

Marcus Hayes, famed columnist, sweating enthusiast for the Philadelphia Daily News and Coggin Toboggan Super Fan #1 contacted us over the weekend and said he wanted to run his latest column by us and our readers before he release it to the public. We’re fans of local journalism, so of COURSE we told him we would and let our readers be the judge.

Marcus wrote the column over this past weekend and shared his thoughts on the newly arrived Dario Saric, who left Turkey just days before the country crumbled into a massive military coup to unseat the president, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan.

His latest column is a bit of a departure from his usual level-headed style, but perhaps just see for yourself after the jump?

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Sam Bradford downgraded to ‘doubtful’ for wedding
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Oh good lord, what have I done?

Aspen, Colo. – Having gone through an entire last week of wedding preparations under the “probable” tag, Eagles quarterback and about to be newlywed Sam Bradford has been downgraded to “doubtful” this morning, according to his best man.

Sam, who last said he was very confident about his upcoming performance at today’s wedding to fiance Emma Lavy, reportedly had a debilitating panic attack this morning in front of his groomsmen and best man.

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Reports: Dario Saric charters steamer ship to America

Dario SaricZagreb, Croatia – Sources have confirmed that Dario Saric, a forward for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, is currently in the Croatian port city of Sibenik and has booked himself a steerage ticket on a steamer ship and will set sail to America within the fortnight.

Saric, who has heard of far begone tales of good work and golden paved streets in America, reportedly packed his steamer trunk and bought a sack of limes from a merchant marine to ward off scurvy for the grueling trip ahead.

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