Author: BL

Sam Bradford announces intentions to take ball, go home

Sam B Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps after digesting the news that the Philadelphia Eagles had traded for the second overall pick in this Thursday’s NFL draft, Sam Bradford reported to the organization that he was likely to take his ball and go home if the franchise selected another quarterback.

Stating that the Eagles front office had “pinkie swore” and Mr. Roseman had “promised” that he would be the starting quarterback next year, the under .500 quarterback who has never won a playoff game in his five-year career threatened to “never play for this stupid town ever, ever again” if not allowed to play quarterback for the 2016 season.

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Dave Hakstol’s wife alarmed by husband’s appearance after playoff loss

This guy is an absolute mess.

Philadelphia, PA – A day after the Philadelphia Flyers succumbed to the Washington Capitals in the first round of the playoffs, Erinn Hakstol, wife of Flyers head coach Dave Hakstol, cited concern for her husband’s well-being after seeing his disheveled appearance at the Hakstol’s breakfast nook.

“Dave is normally so chipper in the morning, usually giving me a stoic ‘greetings’ when he sees me. Today he just dove right into his Wall Street Journal and didn’t even give me a rundown of his portfolio or make that dividends joke he has made each day for the past 13 years. I’m worried,” Erinn said.

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Donald Trump: “Ed Snider was a loser and I will make the Flyers great again”

donald-trump Philadelphia, PA – Donald Trump, a Republican candidate for the presidential nomination, held a competing memorial for Ed Snider in the Wells Fargo Center parking lot after he learned Snider’s will specifically banned him from any Flyers events for the rest of his life.

The blustering blow hard, speaking in front of an assembled group of mouth breathers and malcontents, denied that he had been kicked out of Snider’s suite during a playoff game for speaking too much during the action.

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Sweat-hog Marcus Hayes really steps out on a limb with his latest piece of garbage column

Award-winning journalist, Marcus Hayes.

Marcus Hayes, professional sweater, spewed forth his latest piece of drivel and gave us this beautiful column.

“Hayes: Great move for Eagles, if Carson Wentz is great.”

You do NOT have to click on that link to get the gist of what he’s saying. Read the headline. Did you do that? Boom, you just read the entire article (which is over 1,000 words of sweat-stained drivel).

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REPORT: Howie Roseman addressed Eagles roster before blockbuster trade

Roseman broke the news of the blockbuster trade to the roster before it was made public.

Philadelphia, PA – Howie Roseman addressed the entirety of the Eagles roster earlier today moments before he revealed the organizations decision to trade up for Cleveland’s second overall pick in the 2016 NFL Draft.

According to several reports, Roseman called the roster together and addressed them about the transaction.

“Today we felt we had received an offer from the Browns that was too good to pass up. We gave away several draft picks this year and several more in the year’s to come. Obviously this will definitely mean some changes to our roster,” Roseman said.

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Flyers already regretting planned game 4 handout for fans

A member of the Philadelphia Flyers ice crew cleans up wristbands thrown on the ice during the game 3 loss.

Philadelphia, PA – Following several incidents during game 3 where fans threw pre-game giveaway bracelets onto the ice, Flyers front office representatives are re-thinking their decision to hand out Ed Snider commemorative paperweights to each fan attending game 4 of the NHL playoff matchup against the Washington Capitals.

The solid glass paper weight, which features a picture of the beloved owner Ed Snider, weighs approximately 10 pounds.

“Maybe we didn’t think this through. These are kind of heavy, aren’t they? Pretty solid. And the corners cut into these? They could do so some serious, serious damage,” said Joe Heller, senior director of marketing for the Flyers.

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Please bear with us, we’ll be right back

960

The Coggin Toboggan is going to be dark for a day or two while we deal with some things beyond our control. In the meantime, maybe hold off on committing suicide and read some of these FABULOUS articles we wrote over the last year and change. Plenty of laughs to be had.

RumorBot 2.0 predicts the head coaching changes in the 2016 NFL season.

Joel Embiid participates in a less than traditional rehab program with the Eagles.

Nicki Minaj and Jerry Colangelo enjoyed a whirlwind romance.

Chip Kelly and Sam Hinkie have a massive trade-off for Philadelphia supremacy.

Les Bowen goes to extraordinary lengths to get a scoop on Chip Kelly being fired.

Estranged father of Phanatic ruins his birthday

The Phanatic and his mother, Phoebe, in happier times.

Philadelphia, PA – Celebrating his birthday with his blessed mother Sunday afternoon as the Phillies took on the Nationals at Citizens Bank Park, the Philadelphia Phanatic’s celebration was ruined by the appearance of his long-estranged father.

The disheveled green mascot unexpectedly showed up Sunday afternoon for the first time in nearly 20 years, much to the dismay of both the Phanatic and his mother, Phoebe.

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Anthony Gargano to change Eagles win/loss prediction roughly 5,000 times before season begins

anthony-gargano

Philadelphia, PA – The members of the 97.5 FM Morning Show team offered listeners their predictions for the Eagles 2016-2017 season record a day after the team schedules were announced.

Host Anthony Gargano predicted the Eagles would finish their season at a record of 7-9, but announced his decision to change his prediction roughly 5,000 times before the season actually begins this September.

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Disillusioned Nick Foles excited for Rams to shore up O-Line with 1st pick

Foles

Los Angeles, Calif. – LA Rams quarterback Nick Foles was reportedly elated over the news that the Rams had successfully traded several draft picks to move up to the first pick in the 2016 NFL, as he assumed the team would likely pick one of several highly touted offensive linemen to help his development as the team’s starting quarterback.

Foles said a polished, blue chip tackle will be exactly what the Rams need going into the 2016-2017 season with him leading the squad as the starting quarterback.

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