Phillies

Phillies fan keeping score during game reportedly ‘way too into it’

Miami, Florida – Sources at Marlins Park yesterday confirmed a Phillies fan in attendance kept score throughout the entire nine innings of the Phillies 2-0 victory and was “way to fucking into it.”

“At first I thought he was a scout or something, but he was wearing a Matt Stairs jersey and an old Mike Schmidt hat, so I knew he was just a fan. It looked like he was keeping score in an old leather bound book filled with old score cards. What do you think he does with those things?” Miami resident and Philadelphia transplant Ryan Jenkinson said from the stadium.

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Punch throwing, fight picking radio host still offended at Chase Utley’s profanity use in 2008

My momma’s sauce.

Philadelphia, PA – A walking, talking Italian stereotype, who moonlights as the host of the popular 97.5 FM mid-day sports talk show, surprised no one yesterday afternoon when he went against public opinion and criticized the recently traded Chase Utley for his use of the F-word during the 2008 World Series Championship celebration.

On a day when the vast majority of Phillies fans were choosing to celebrate their memories of Utley and his stellar on field play, the man who once quarreled with a fan through email and described him as a “latent homosexual” argued with fans that Utley’s F-Bomb drop was absolutely inexcusable.

“I don’t think that a professional athlete, who is a professional, needs to do that when he knows he is speaking to a mixed audience and there are a lot of kids there, it’s just not appropriate,” the stereotype said. “Ehhhh but I guess the Dodgers made him an offer he couldn’t refuse, capiche? If I were there I would have sent him a Sicilian message, made him sleep with the fishes.”

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Exclusive look at Chase Utley’s ad thanking Philadelphia fans

Chase Utley is staying as classy as ever, as the beloved veteran second baseman has taken out a full page advertisement thanking the fans of Philadelphia for his time as a member of the Phillies.

The ad, which will run in the Inquirer and Daily News, offers a heartfelt message from Utley to the fans who supported him during his 13-year career in the city.

Sources within The Coggin Toboggan have received a copy of the advertisement, which you can see after the jump.

Just a warning. If you haven’t already cried about Utley being traded, this is going to be difficult to read.

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Chase Utley will only agree to trade if given opportunity to dirty uniform on daily basis

Philadelphia, PA – Details are emerging about a potential trade for long time second baseman and face of the Phillies franchise Chase Utley through the waiver wire over the weekend. Despite the injuries of the aged second baseman, several potential contending playoff teams are vying for his services, including the Chicago Cubs and San Francisco Giants.

Utley, however, has several demands of his own, as the veteran can deny any potential trade.

“I’ve been in Philadelphia for a long time. I love playing here, so if I’m going to be traded, I need a guarantee from the team I’m traded to that I will be given an opportunity to get my uniform on a daily basis,” Utley said.

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Local man experiences more joy in 10 seconds of meaningless NFL preseason game than entire Phillies season

Philadelphia, PA – Mindlessly flipping through stations last evening, Tim Brackens, 33, became inordinately excited when he stumbled upon the NFL Hall of Fame game between the Steelers and Vikings at 8:23 p.m.

Brackens experienced more joy in the first 10 seconds he watched of the first preseason game, which featured exactly zero predicted first week starters for either team, than the entire summer of Philadelphia sports put together.

“Holy shit, football! Preseason started tonight, fuck yes!” Brackens said, sitting up quickly on his couch.

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A city mourns as beloved Phillie Jonathan Papelbon is traded

EDS NOTE: LEWD GESTURE - Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Jonathan Papelbon gestures to the crowd after giving up four runs to the Miami Marlins during the ninth inning of a baseball game Sunday, Sept. 14, 2014, in Philadelphia. Papelbon was ejected from the game. The Marlines won 5-4. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

The dedicated and classy Jonathan Papelbon has been traded.

Philadelphia, PA – What will undoubtedly be remembered as one of the darkest days in Philadelphia Phillies history, franchise saves leader Jonathan Papelbon was traded yesterday to the Washington Nationals for a minor league pitcher.

Ruben Amaro, Jr. had to hold back tears at a press conference when he made the announcement to the assembled media.

“It’s…it’s tough sometimes. You try not to take things personally, but this is not easy. Jonathan Papelbon, or Paps as he liked to be called, has been traded to the Nationals,” he said. “It hurts. It really does.”

Amaro then broke down in tears as he was consoled by franchise executive Andy Macphail.

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Philadelphia readies itself for “Class-5 Burrell” set to devastate city Friday evening

The GOAT.

Philadelphia, PA – City residents, bars, girlfriends and wives are preparing themselves for this week’s estimated “Class-5 Burrell” set to slam into Philadelphia sometime Friday evening.

Experts are predicting this year’s devastation could be the worse yet, far worse than the “Class-4 Burrell” the city experienced in October of 2008.

“The last time Pat Burrell blew into this city it took Philadelphia months to recover,” said Glenn “Hurricane” Schwartz. “So much destruction. We never thought we would get back on track, but we managed to survive. Unfortunately, from our early estimations this year’s Burrell could be bigger, more destructive, and far more drunk than the Burrell we remember riding on top of the horse drawn beer cart at the 2008 World Series championship parade.”

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Tom McCarthy gets in one last advertisement during final out of Hamels no-hit game

Safe and secure, safe and secure!

Chicago – As Cole Hamels watched a rocketed fly ball travel out to centerfield, his hopes of a no-hitter hanging in the balance, Phillies announcer Tom McCarthy knew he had a job to do and knew he had to do it well, as this would be a moment for every Phillies fan to remember.

As Odubel Herrera circled back and made a sprawling catch to seal the historic moment for Hamels, TMac, as he is affectionately known by fans, knew the moment was a big one.

“I thought to myself, how can I make this a moment for fans to remember? This is a goal Cole has been trying to reach for his entire career, and I knew I had to make it special,” McCarthy said after the game. “But then I remembered we hadn’t reached our quota of New York Life commercials, so I knew what I had to do.”

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Chase Utley gearing up for one last depressing run

Philadelphia, PA – Yesterday, early visitors to Citizen’s Bank Park were not alone, as Chase Utley’s bat cracked through the stadium as he took part in an extra batting session several hours before the Phillies afternoon game was scheduled to begin.

It’s a testament to Utley’s spirit, who is working hard to ensure he gets healthy just in time to completely tarnish his legacy in the final stretch of the season.

“That’s the plan. Hopefully I’ll make some minor league rehab appearances next week and be back with the club in two weeks. From then on, I plan to languish away on the bench behind the more effective younger second baseman, making fans depressed at how my career is ending,” Utley said. “It should be great.”

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Aaron Nola dazzles fans with 6 strong innings, immediately demoted to AAA after game

Dead man walking (Photo credit: Emily Paine / The Morning Call)

Philadelphia, PA – Giving Philadelphia fans something to be excited about for the first time since 2011, Aaron Nola made his major league debut Tuesday night against the Tampa Bay Rays, pitching six-strong innings and only allowing one run.

Nola exited the game with the Phillies losing 0-1, but he had certainly done his job, only allowing one earned run on five hits.

Ruben Amaro congratulated Nola on his debut, sitting next to the beaming rookie in a post game press conference.

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