Philadelphia

Bartolo Colon ejected for suspiciously delicious foreign substance on arm during yesterday’s start

Bartolo eats because he is unhappy, and unhappy because he eats. It’s a vicious cycle.

New York, NY – Bartolo Colon, starting pitcher for the New York Mets, was ejected from his start after Philadelphia Phillies manager Ryne Sandberg alerted home plate umpire Larry Vanover to a strange substance on the pitchers forearm.

Upon closer inspection, Vanover found the substance was blue cheese dressing. He was able to confirm the substance’s presence even though Colon frantically tried to lick the condiment off of his forearm before the umpire could reach the pitcher’s mound.

Through a brief search, Vanover also found several buffalo wings stowed away under Colon’s cap. As he left the field, several pieces of celery fell from his pockets and a number of wet naps could be seen sticking out of the back pocket of his uniform.

A closeup of the embattled and rotund pitcher showed his face was smeared with hot sauce and several pieces of chicken were stuck in the folds of his neck fat.

“Frankly, there’s no place for it in baseball. We fully expect Bartolo to be suspended and we will be sending him to an emergency Weight Watchers meeting as soon as possible,” New York Mets manager Terry Collins told the media after the game was concluded.

Colon was not available to take media questions after the game, as he said he had some pressing matters to attend to at the clubhouse buffet

BREAKING: 76ers leak mock-ups of new uniforms

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing the overhaul of the entire organization, Philadelphia 76ers representatives have been teasing the idea of new uniforms and new team logos since the conclusion of the 2014-2015 season. Well folks, The Coggin Toboggan has received leaked information from the organization’s front office and has three separate mock-ups of what the new uniforms may look like for the next season.

Here are each of the uniform prototypes and our thoughts on the ensembles.

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Sam Hinkie trades third overall pick for draft rights to Joel Embiid, may be slipping into the darkness

3…2…1….

Did it again. Hinkster out, bitches.

Philadelphia, PA – Mere moments after the conclusion of the draft lottery, 76ers GM Sam Hinkie announced the trade of the #3 pick last night to the Los Angeles Lakers for the exclusive draft rights to Joel Embiid. Hinkie either forgot the athlete was already under team control or has started a slow descent into madness.

“We love what we see out of Joel. Yes, he did sit out all last year, but we feel he would have been the number one overall pick in this year’s draft,” Hinkie said, winking at a number of reporters and obsessively clicking a fountain pen in his hand.

At this point, it is unknown if Hinkie has another plan up his sleeve or has started to slowly buckle under the pressure of a very dedicated fan base.

Several reports have come in to the Coggin, detailing some odd behavior coming from Hinkie after the lottery. He was observed having a very loud and energetic discussion with a potted plant in the hallway of the Barclays Center, in which he described the fern as being “lazy” and “a blight on society.”

Further reports have come in this morning, claiming Hinkie hopped into a cab outside of the arena and demanded the flustered cabbie drive him to the Ottoman Empire, so he could make his fortune in the trade of exotic spices and silks.

The Coggin Toboggan contacted a media representative of the 76ers, who released the follow comment:

“Sam has been under a tremendous amount of stress lately and he has been taken away for a very long, and much needed rest. He will receive the best of care. We appreciate no further inquiries into his mental state as of this moment.”

As of press time, Hinkie was seen running down Broad Street in a strait jacket, being chased by several men with large butterfly nets.

It’s a take about nothing: Maikel Franco!

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal with Maikel Franco rumored to be coming up to the Phillies on Friday?! He’s up, he’s down, he’s up, he’s down, he’s being bounced around more than a basketball at a Jewish summer day camp!

But seriously, make a decision on this kid and end it! He’s racked up more frequent flyer miles from Philadelphia to Reading than Governor Christie has charged cheesesteaks to the New Jersey taxpayer. Am I crazy, or is that a lot of cheesesteaks?!

Just play him or get rid of him Amaro, we’re serious. Enough of this kid getting yanked around each year, lets see if he can swing the stick or not. Look to the cookie, Elaine, look to the cookie!

All of this coming up and down reminds me of Larry David in the open mic scene in New York back in the early 80s. He’d come with me to the Chuckle Hut, high on cocaine and gefilte fish, and agonize for hours on whether he’d take a stab at this comedy thing. I’d have to convince him to come out of the mens room to perform for his five minutes, which would just lead to him drooling on the microphone in a cocaine and bourbon induced stupor.

On a related note, it’s how he came up with the gag of Kramer drooling on the gym floor after getting a strong shot of novocaine and hurting Jimmy. Except in real life, one of the talented young comics slipped on Larry’s drool and actually became PARALYZED from the waist down and never did comedy again! Believe me, the gag was much funnier when we did it on Seinfeld years later and much less tragic.

What’s the deal?!

Cody Asche optioned to big farm upstate to transition to happier life

He’ll be so much happier now.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a 4-3 loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday night, current third baseman Cody Asche was optioned to a big farm with plenty of wide open spaces to transition into a much more happier life than the Phillies could ever provide for him.

“He’s going to a big farm where he’ll have plenty of space to run around, to dance and prance among the poppies, somewhere he’ll be much, much happier,” Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. reportedly told the clubhouse after the game. “He’s going to like it so much better there.”

The 24-year-old third baseman was reportedly seen being loaded into a nondescript white van and transported away from the stadium after the game.

Several members of the roster expressed confusion as to why Asche had to leave.

“But…but Rube…why did Asche have to go. Will we ever see him again?” A tearful Ben Revere asked the GM, sitting atop Amaro’s knee in the clubhouse.

“Cody just needed to be somewhere else. It wasn’t because you were a bad boy, he just wasn’t going to become the best ballplayer he possibly could with our organization. No, no Ben, we can’t visit him. His new family would be much too sad. This is better for all of us.”

As of press time, observers noted hearing a loud shotgun blast from the van transporting Asche. The vehicle then made a sharp left and started to drive towards the waterfront.

Riley Cooper heartbroken he went unmentioned in Lesean McCoy interview

Philadelphia, PA – A dejected Riley Cooper was almost inconsolable today at the NovaCare Complex, several sources are reporting.

When confronted on his down mood, Cooper said he was upset Lesean McCoy did not mention him alongside Chip Kelly during his recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.

“What’s a guy have to do to get a mention? Go to another Kenny Chesney concert?” he said, as he re-read the interview again before beginning his workout. “It’s just insulting. You work hard, you know, to gain a reputation on a team and then someone just goes and doesn’t even acknowledge all that you do.”

McCoy of course ranted to an ESPN the Magazine reporter about his perceived notion that head coach Chip Kelly had an affinity to run the best black athletes out of the city. While he didn’t outright say Kelly was a racist, many reading the interview did not have to go too far to make the assumption.

Cooper, a teammate of McCoy’s for the past five seasons, just shook his head as he walked into the weight room.

“I guess all you can do is just continue to work hard and really carve a niche out for yourself. I won’t let this happen again,” he said.

“You’d better believe the next time someone on this team has something to say about race on a national stage, Riley Cooper’s name will be the first out of his mouth.”

As of press time, Cooper was showing his most popular YouTube video to several recently drafted rookies.

Lesean McCoy: Chip Kelly made black players pick weeds out of field before practice

Buffalo, NY – Chip Kelly, former Eagles running back, continued his media tour and leveled several harsh criticisms at Chip Kelly in a recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.

Several of McCoy’s comments could be construed calling his former head coach a racist.

“Prior to every practice, Chip would make all of the black players pick weeds out of the field before practice. He ordered us to sing old-school spirituals as well. He did it every single practice and the white players would just sit there and watch us. He was awful. I remember he gave Nick Foles a whip and told him to use it liberally if we didn’t get everything finished 10 minutes prior to practice,” Kelly told the bewildered ESPN reporter.

While all evidence points to the contrary and no video exists of such an order, McCoy doubled down and said Kelly would keep him in chains in the NovaCare Complex, only to release him on game days and for team practices.

When called out on his claims for being in no way truthful by several of his current Buffalo Bills teammates who overheard the interview and were horrified by his statements, McCoy said he may have misremembered things.

“Look, it was a long time ago, I might be mistaken. Ok, MAYBE he didn’t make us pick weeds before practice or keep me in chains, but he was a dick. Plain and simple. And being a dick is just as bad as being a racist, I think we can all agree on that,” he said.

Nobody agreed with him.

As of press time, Eagles fans were arguing if McCoy’s statements today were worse than when he claimed Andy Reid forcibly drafted him from the University of Pittsburgh and shipped him to Philadelphia in an old wooden boat.

Editor’s Note: Coggin Toboggan Cinco de Mayo office party an unmitigated disaster

(Please listen to the above while reading this article. It will put you in the correct mindset and help you understand exactly what went on in the offices today)

Cinco de Mayo office parties at the Coggin Toboggan are banned forever. It’s not even 1 p.m. and the local police department has already been to the office three times…the last time they brought a wagon and packed in about 15 writers and four editors, vowing to prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law.

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Editor’s Note: Bring your crab to work day a smashing success

Here at The Coggin Toboggan, we try to foster a sense of community and family among our writers, reports, editors and photographers who sometimes spend long, long hours producing the award winning and respected material that you read here on a daily basis.

We’ve been putting in a lot of hours recently, especially with the recent Les Bowen Eagles showering scandal that rocked this city to it’s core two weeks ago, so as editor in chief I decided it was high time to let our hair down and have some fun in the office.

So, to brighten morale, I decided to institute The Coggin Toboggan’s very first “Bring your Crab to work” program earlier this week. Employees were encouraged to bring their crabs to our office to show them the ropes and let them see what mommy and daddy do on a daily basis.

We’ve compiled some of the best pictures from the event and we hope you enjoy them as much as we enjoyed having them scuttling around the office.

Jameis Winston was not invited to the event, for obvious reasons! HAHAHAHA, oh god we have fun here.

Jimmy the crab.

Ahh Jimmy, you side-stepped your way into everyone’s heart at the CT. This feisty young fella was brought by Jane in accounting, who would NOT stop talking about their recent trip to Fire Island. He was the toast of the town that weekend, she assured us as much.

Sarah the crab.

Aww who’s a good girl!? It’s Sarah, that’s who! This adorable little girl enjoyed having her tummy rubbed by just about everyone in the editing department.

Herbert the crab.

Gah!! Herbert you rascal. This diva loved the close-up pictures we took of him frolicking through the mens room and swimming through the salad dressing at the salad bar in the employee cafeteria.

Susie the crab.

Not Suze or Susan, but Susie! This energetic girl had a great day popping in and out of cubicles and searching for mites in the parking lot.

Brutus the crab.

What a good boy! Brutus had himself a bit of an incident as he crawled up on the back of Larry from accounting, who had fallen asleep at his desk. When Larry woke up and found this guy snuggling against his bald head, he would NOT stop screaming. What a day!

Well that was it. It was a success all around, we think, and something we’ll definitely be doing again next year.

Stay tuned next month, as The Coggin Toboggan will be hosting its first”Bring your Diarrhea-laden Dog to work day!” It should be explosive!

Editor’s Note: Expect everything and anything for tonight

Philadelphia, PA – It’s an exciting night for Philadelphia, as weeks of tension and debate have led to this moment and this event that will undoubtedly leave thousands of rabid Philadelphia fans on the edge of their seats, clutching their remotes and hanging on every word.

There are a number of different scenarios that could happen tonight, so why don’t we take a moment to just run over some things that have happened in the past weeks and see where we could all end up?

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