Philadelphia

Frazzled Bryan Colangelo completely spaces on NBA free agency

colangelo_headshotPhiladelphia, PA –  Citing his extremely full plate right now and a million other things he has to do, Philadelphia 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo woke up today and quickly realized he forgot all about the NBA free agency period that starts tonight at midnight.

When asked why the local sports media had been reporting all week that the 76ers would be heavy players in the free agency market, Colangelo said his dad must have been speaking to reporters again.

“God he does this to me all the time. Just let me live my life, Dad,” the harried Colangelo said, scrambling to find his cell phone. “It just completely slipped my mind, ok? Is Lebron James a free agent this year? Maybe we should call him? God this is not good, it’s Toronto all over again. How much money do we have to spend? I’ve got like $50 in my wallet, will that help?”

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Gotta go BACK IN TIME!

curt-schilling1Yesterday on Twitter, Curt Schilling decided to get political. I know what you’re thinking, you can’t believe this usually even keeled and open minded ex-Phillies pitcher decided to share his political views on the public site.

But to your surprise, and to ours, he decided to let a few opinions be known about Hillary Clinton.

To be fair, we did goad him into it.

Honestly, it didn’t take that much goading. He’s got 159,000 followers, he must look at his twitter nonstop to jump into political fights. By our second tweet he should have known we were just kidding at this point.

And then he never did answer our last question.

If you had told me when I was 10-years-old that in 23 years I would actually be speaking with Curt Schilling on the computer, my brain would have imploded on itself. Me, being yelled at on the computer by the best pitcher in the 1993 Phillies rotation, it would have just been too much.

Well, the only person who is fit to let my past self know about these turns of events is me…so lets hop into the Delorian, kick it up to 88 miles per hour, and get ready to see some serious shit. Here we go.

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Buddy Ryan places bounty on Tom Landry
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Fielding several interviews during his first day in Heaven.

The Afterlife, Heaven – Immediately after entering through the Pearly Gates, popular ex-Eagles head coach Buddy Ryan donned a pair of aviator sunglasses, hitched a pair of sweat socks up to his knees, and declared the first denizen of the ethereal plane that really decked the famous Dallas Cowboys head coach Tom Landry would receive $100.

Ryan sauntered into the afterlife and immediately hooked up with former defensive stalwarts Jerome Brown and Andre “Dirty” Waters, riling the two up with a fevered and passionate speech compelling them to blindside Landry the next time the ex-coach walked down Heaven Boulevard to a replica of Cowboys Stadium, where he relives some of his greatest moments as a head coach.

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Carl Lindros: “I did it!”
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Carl Lindros’s son.

Toronto, Canada – A jubilant Carl Lindros celebrated with his wife, Bonnie, in their Toronto home Monday afternoon after the NHL Hall of Fame selection committee elected Carl Lindros’s son to the hall of fame.

Lindros, who once claimed the Flyers had tried to kill his son in 1999, can finally take his place among the great, meddling hockey parents of all time.

The helicopter parent said this “made all of my personal sacrifices, blood, sweat and tears completely worth it” and that he was “very honored” to be a part of “my big day.”

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Carl Lindros to ‘make a few calls’ to Hall of Fame selection committee on behalf of son
Eric Lindros

Will this be the year Eric Lindros is elected to the NHL Hall of Fame? His father plans on it.

Toronto, Canada  – Carl Lindros, father and former agent to Eric Lindros, told his son Monday that he would “reach out” to several members of the NHL Hall of Fame Committee and “pull a few strings” to ensure Eric received his hall of fame nomination this year.

Lindros, the supremely talented center who spent the majority of his career with the Philadelphia Flyers, racked up 865 points over 760 regular season games and led the Flyers to a Stanley Cup Championship in 1997. He won the NHL’s Hart Trophy in 1995 as the league’s most valuable player, but may be remembered more for injuries derailing his career and for having two perceived “meddling” parents who steered the career of their talented boy. He also never won a Stanley Cup, which many cite as a big knock against his resume for the Hall of Fame.

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76ers announce they will draft and stash every active member of roster

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – Following a productive 2016 NBA draft, but citing that they are still not within striking distance of competing for a title, 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo announced the organization would draft and stash every single member of the active roster for 2016-2017.

“It just makes sense. Are we going to win a title next year? No we’re not. So why not get these guys some experience and see what we can do in 2017-2018,” Colangelo said.

He said the 76ers will stash Joel Embiid, Nerlens Noel, Dario Saric, Hollis Thompson, Isaiah Canaan, Ish Smith, Robert Covington, Elton Brand, Jerami Grant, Kendall Marshall, JP Tokoto, Carl Landry, Richaun Holmes, Christian Wood, Ben Simmons, Timothe Luwawu and Furkan Korkmaz in the darkest, most desolate points throughout the globe, away from the prying eyes of media and fans.

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Isaiah Canaan expresses unfounded concerns to friends that he could be traded on draft night

hi-res-7dca3ac617c4e91020e67e8201c97e90_crop_northPhiladelphia, PA – Isaiah Canaan, veteran shooting guard for the Philadelphia 76ers, has told close friends and relatives that he is concerned the organization may try to trade him on draft night to gain another top-five pick.

Canaan has expressed anxiety to his closest group of confidants that the 76ers would decide to focus on the future and not want to win now, forcing their hand to trade the shooting guard to either Boston for the third overall pick or Phoenix for the fourth pick.

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Dario Saric makes huge announcement on his future

Dario SaricDario Saric, the vaunted Croatian-born professional athlete that has been rumored for the past two years to be joining the 76ers, reached out to The Coggin Toboggan’s email address (thecoggintoboggan@gmail.com) this afternoon to make an announcement on his future.

Currently playing for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, the 22-year-old forward emailed The Coggin at 1:25 p.m. this afternoon to notify our site about his career. This is not surprising, as The Coggin is currently the most popular sports website in all of Turkey due to our comprehensive coverage of national hero Furkan Aldemir.

From his email address DSaric43589@unisa.cr, Saric sent the following to The Coggin Toboggan:

Hello and best wishes to you and yours exhalted family!

I wish to notify you about a blessed busines deal in your favour from the Turkish Basketball League of Super! Hello, am Dario Saric, a foreword for Anadolu Efes, and am very much wanting to come play the professional basketball of the USA and the Filadelphia Seven Sixers!

Unfortunately, I cannot leave my contract with the league unless a $10,000 transfer fee is paid to my coach head. I do not have the money msyelf, so in God’s name I hope you can please wire me the small funds amount so I may live my dream and play in the Americas.

I know this sounds too better to be true, but it is not! The most things of crucial to be done is to wire a transfer fee of $10,000 to complete the transaction. What are you wayting (sic) for! Please help me today.

God bless you,

Dario Saric

WOW! You heard him, we need to set up a Go Fund Me account to get him over here! This is too good to be true. What a week for the 76ers!

We’d kick in some money for this venture, but we donated all of our petty cash to Joel Embiid, who sent us an email letting us know a Congo prince had left us a “sizable” inheritance in his will after he died.

REPORT: 76ers Joel Embiid cleared to resume tweeting at Rihanna

screen-shot-2014-08-01-at-7-20-58-amPhiladelphia, PA – The good news keeps on coming for the Philadelphia 76ers, as team doctors and physicians have cleared oft-injured 22-year-old center Joel Embiid to resume his tweeting to pop-star Rihanna.

Christopher C. Dodson, MD, head physician for the 76ers, said Embiid could resume “light-tweeting” to Rihanna during the mornings and late afternoon, under the strict supervision of team officials.

“We’re getting him slowly back to doing what he loves. He’s been extremely patient throughout this entire process and is eagerly awaiting full clearance to get back to where he was several years ago,” Dodson said.

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Jon Dorenbos to showcase mastery of dark arts tonight on America’s Got Talent
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He will punish the wicked and make man pay for his hubris.

LAS VEGAS, Nev. – Tonight on NBC, Eagles long-snapper Jon Dorenbos, a master of the arcane, dark arts, will showcase his ethereal skills on the popular reality show America’s Got Talent, and brutally punish the nonbelievers of his malevolent sorcery.

In a 30-second teaser for tonight’s AGT, currently in its 11th season on NBC, Dorenbos is briefly shown on stage wearing a dark robe, his eyes rolled into the back of his head, body convulsing wildly as the lights of the studio flicker ominously.

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