ESPN

94 WIP Morning Show swamped with fair, level-headed callers this morning

Philadelphia, PA – The phones were ringing off the hook this morning at the 94 WIP studios, call screeners reported, as thousands of well meaning and optimistic Eagles fans hoped to express their well wishes and congratulations on a hard-fought game for their hometown squad.

“Sure it was disappointing, but you know what? They played their hearts out last night and I’m very proud of them. It’s just as good as winning, if you ask me.” said John from Fishtown, who called in around 7 a.m. this morning. “And Sam Bradford? Sure he had a rocky
start, but I believed in him all along and he showed you some good stuff. He didn’t get the victory, but how can you not be impressed by his comeback story? Does some great work for charity also.”

“My prayers go out to Cody Parkey. That kid tried his best and things just didn’t go his way, it’s not a big deal. What are you going to do? You can’t win every game,” he said, before excusing himself to hang up.

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Patriots forced to release Donovan McNabb puking blooper reel

Philadelphia, PA – After ESPN released a massive, hard hitting story on Tuesday afternoon detailing the scope of the New England Patriots alleged efforts to cheat from 2000 to 2007, illegal videos taped by Patriots employees have started to surface as the investigation digs deeper.

Despite multiple fan and player accounts accusing the Patriots of stealing Eagles signals during the 2004 Super Bowl, no such videos or evidence have yet to surface.

However, a Kraft Productions video tape of the Eagles during the Super Bowl did surface yesterday and has brought the city down to its core.

Entitled, “Donovan McNabb Super Bowl Puke-a-Rama,” the two-and-a-half minute, professionally edited video shows new angles confirming the Eagles quarterback puking during the fourth quarter of the Eagles comeback attempt.

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Eagles hope to reach short-term extension with Sam Bradford’s hospice care provider

Philadelphia, PA – Eagles front office representatives confirmed Tuesday morning that officials were working closely with Sam Bradford’s agent to agree on a short-term extension with the quarterback’s hospice care provider.

“Based on Bradford’s latest workout and physical examination, we don’t believe we should invest in a long-term extension at this time,” a front office rep said, preferring to remain anonymous.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. dominates this year’s “Shitties” ceremony

South Los Angeles, Calif. – Perhaps validating one of the most troubled years of his career as a front office representative for the Philadelphia Phillies, Ruben Amaro Jr. won six “Shittie” awards, a competing sports award show held on the same evening as the ESPN “Espy” awards.

The ceremony took place at a YMCA in South Los Angeles from 3 to 5 p.m. yesterday, with some of the most well known names in sports in attendance. Hosted by Bill Cosby, sports dignitaries such as Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson and Tiger Woods all received “Shitties” for their accomplishments this past year.

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John Bolaris regains partnership with NBC 10 after angrily ranting on Twitter

Just chilling in a corner, going to do some weather, no big deal.

Philadelphia, PA – Just several days after losing a business deal with NBC 10, oft-controversial weatherman and founder of Weathersavior.com regained his partnership after angrily ranting on Twitter for over 48 hours.

“When he Tweeted and said he increased our hits by over three times, we had to reconsider. How could we not?” A contact at NBC 10 said this morning.

Bolaris gave weather updates and forecasts for NBC 10 until he was let go this past Saturday.

“Of course we knew we had made a mistake when he said, ‘The nation is full of hypocrites,Rapist, murderers,Woman abusers,Dog killers,pedophiles,Tax cheats ALL get hired & are working TODAY.’ We thought to ourselves, you know what, he has a point here,” the anonymous contact said.

“And then when he mentioned the ESPN reporter who was only suspended for ranting at a tow truck worker was not fired because she was hot, well, we knew he was absolutely correct.”

Bolaris was rehired this morning and given a lengthy apology from station management and it was all due to his well thought out, well balanced rant on Twitter.

As of press time, Bolaris was apparently preparing a lengthy tirade against the station and the other media big wigs who have fired him over the years for his first on-air appearance after being rehired.

Go let John know we love him on Twitter, please! @johnbolaris

Editor’s Note: Always a spot at the table for you at the Coggin Toboggan, Bill Simmons

Our conference room table at the delightful Coggin Toboggan HQ.

The conference room table at the delightful Coggin Toboggan HQ.

Bill Simmons is leaving ESPN and The Coggin Toboggan is throwing itself into the fray to court the media giant. Simmons must get like 200 to 300 views a day on the articles he writers for ESPN and Grantland, so it would be an absolute coup to snatch him up and have him exclusively write for The Coggin Toboggan.

As the current Editor in Chief, I can assure you, Bill, I will be as hands off as any boss you’ve ever worked with. Frankly, you’ll go weeks without seeing me in the office, as I’ll be too busy slipping in and out of drunken stupors and defending myself against the countless cases of sexual harassment leveled against me from female and male employees alike.

We like the cut of your jib, I’ll be honest. You’ll have the freedom here to write about whatever you like, as long as you pass our rigorous editing/ethics test and work your way up from an internship first.

Sure we may not be able to pay you as much as ESPN, but I do assure you we can make this deal beneficial for all parties involved.

As founder, I can assure you the following if you sign a 10-year contract with us today. This deal will be taken off the (above) table if you do not sign with us by the stroke of midnight:

– A salary UPWARDS of $35,000 a year, depending on bonuses and ads sold.

– Your very own chair. Currently, CT employees rotate the three office chairs among the thousands of employees in the building every 10 minutes. I can assure you that you will have your very own beach and/or picnic chair.

– An office located as far away as possible from the one hallway here that is deeply infested with bats.

– An Apple Newton for your professional use.

– A coupon book from me filled to the brim with valuable offers. IE: One free backrub, one free shoulder massage, one full body massage with/without a happy ending.

– A personal key to the executive outhouse.

– No charge if you decide to take a deep inhale from the company ether rag.

Bill, I think you’ll find this offer more than fair and I can GUARANTEE no other website will come close to what we will give you.

Welcome to the winning team.

Riley Cooper heartbroken he went unmentioned in Lesean McCoy interview

Philadelphia, PA – A dejected Riley Cooper was almost inconsolable today at the NovaCare Complex, several sources are reporting.

When confronted on his down mood, Cooper said he was upset Lesean McCoy did not mention him alongside Chip Kelly during his recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.

“What’s a guy have to do to get a mention? Go to another Kenny Chesney concert?” he said, as he re-read the interview again before beginning his workout. “It’s just insulting. You work hard, you know, to gain a reputation on a team and then someone just goes and doesn’t even acknowledge all that you do.”

McCoy of course ranted to an ESPN the Magazine reporter about his perceived notion that head coach Chip Kelly had an affinity to run the best black athletes out of the city. While he didn’t outright say Kelly was a racist, many reading the interview did not have to go too far to make the assumption.

Cooper, a teammate of McCoy’s for the past five seasons, just shook his head as he walked into the weight room.

“I guess all you can do is just continue to work hard and really carve a niche out for yourself. I won’t let this happen again,” he said.

“You’d better believe the next time someone on this team has something to say about race on a national stage, Riley Cooper’s name will be the first out of his mouth.”

As of press time, Cooper was showing his most popular YouTube video to several recently drafted rookies.

Lesean McCoy: Chip Kelly made black players pick weeds out of field before practice

Buffalo, NY – Chip Kelly, former Eagles running back, continued his media tour and leveled several harsh criticisms at Chip Kelly in a recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.

Several of McCoy’s comments could be construed calling his former head coach a racist.

“Prior to every practice, Chip would make all of the black players pick weeds out of the field before practice. He ordered us to sing old-school spirituals as well. He did it every single practice and the white players would just sit there and watch us. He was awful. I remember he gave Nick Foles a whip and told him to use it liberally if we didn’t get everything finished 10 minutes prior to practice,” Kelly told the bewildered ESPN reporter.

While all evidence points to the contrary and no video exists of such an order, McCoy doubled down and said Kelly would keep him in chains in the NovaCare Complex, only to release him on game days and for team practices.

When called out on his claims for being in no way truthful by several of his current Buffalo Bills teammates who overheard the interview and were horrified by his statements, McCoy said he may have misremembered things.

“Look, it was a long time ago, I might be mistaken. Ok, MAYBE he didn’t make us pick weeds before practice or keep me in chains, but he was a dick. Plain and simple. And being a dick is just as bad as being a racist, I think we can all agree on that,” he said.

Nobody agreed with him.

As of press time, Eagles fans were arguing if McCoy’s statements today were worse than when he claimed Andy Reid forcibly drafted him from the University of Pittsburgh and shipped him to Philadelphia in an old wooden boat.

Alonzo Mourning confirms ‘who wants to sex Mutombo’ anecdote: “He did fuck me”

A reflective, wonderful memory shared this morning by Alonzo Mourning.

In a taped segment of Highly Questionable, hosted by Dan LeBetard, former Miami Heat center Alonzo Mourning confirmed the infamous Dikembe Mutombo “Who wants to sex Mutombo” anecdote that the famed NBA center denied happened last year.

As the story goes, when attending Georgetown University during his college days, Dikembe Mutombo burst into a club and loudly proclaimed to the throngs of co-eds, “Who wants to sex Mutombo?” The story spread throughout the country and was a popular urban legend, until Mutombo himself proclaimed last year that it never happened.

But today, Alonzo Mourning said, yes, it absolutely 100% took place when the two were at Georgetown.

“Oh I can confirm that it did happen. Absolutely. I can prove it because it was me that Mutombo took back into an empty room at that club and made sweet, sweet love to,” he said, live on air this morning. “He did fuck me. I hesitate to be crass, because it was a wonderful, touching moment between two men, but he did indeed fuck me and he did indeed coerce me into bed with that charming saying.”

Stunned by the revelation, LeBetard failed to ask Mourning a follow up question.

A very tender lover.

Mourning described the moment as “touching and tender” and applauded Dikembe for guiding him through the erotic man on man moment.

“He taught me everything I know today as a lover. I can still feel his breath on my neck,” Mourning said, a wistful look in his eyes.

Mourning expressed no regrets at the moment, but did say he was disappointed that Mutombo never called him after that night.

Stephen A. Smith: These are the moves of someone who is not, NOT a racist

Stephen A. Smith looking his best on ESPN First Take.

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing a three day tirade against Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly, Stephen A. Smith tripled down today on his “entertaining” First Take show on ESPN 9. Smith had several harsh words for the trade the Eagles completed, bringing in Sam Bradford for Nick Foles and a bevy of picks.

“Are these the moves that a man who isn’t a bigot would make? ARE THEY?!” Smith screamed at co-host Skip Bayless, spraying flicks of spittle on his face.

“Where’s the brother involved in this deal? Why does he never trade for a black man? If this were the 1950s he’d be manning the hoses as he washed all of the African Americans out of that locker room,” he screamed into the camera.

“But don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying anything, you just have to read between the lines with me. I’m subtle like that, isn’t that right Skip?” Smith said, somehow still yelling during a calm moment of the show.

Bayless tried to answer Smith, but couldn’t be heard over the loud boos raining down on him from outside of the studio.

“I know Philadelphia. I love Philadelphia, and Philly loves me,” Smith said, despite the fact that he is abhorred by the majority of sports fans in the city, who wouldn’t slow down on the street to help him up if he fell and broke his hip. “I speak for the city, and man, they are not happy with this old guard, deep south fool.”

Bayless cackled along with Smith, nodding his head vigorously.

“I even have a source telling me that Kelly put an order down recently for at least five purebred German shepherds. You know who loves those dogs. But I’m not saying anything, I’m not,” He said, winking at the camera as he pointed to a Confederate flag.

Smith wrapped up the segment and immediately had his contract re-upped by ESPN for another 10 years.