Angelo Cataldi

Angelo Cataldi pimps out CBS3’s Meisha Johnson on Morning Show

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If there’s one thing I know about attractive young women, it’s that they desperately need fat, ugly old men to help them find love in this world.

The skeeviest man in Philadelphia is playing matchmaker this morning with CBS3 anchor/reporter Meisha Johnson, solidifying his legacy as he winds down a legendary career of mild sexual harassment and chicken wing eating contests.

Jowls all a flutter with anticipation, Cataldi tweeted this out at the beginning of the Morning Show.

https://twitter.com/AngeloCataldi/status/890150523969691648

Sorry Meisha, but I can 100% guarantee you will not find the perfect man if he’s calling into a sports talk radio show at 6 a.m.

I’d check those microphones if I were you, Meisha. Is the show even being recorded? I wouldn’t put it past Cataldi to pull a stunt to get you in studio for hours. If he locks the doors for “security reasons” I’d immediately call 911 and go for his eyes. Gouge away, Meisha, it’s your only chance at escape.

Philadelphia’s finest pitched some woo at Meisha in the responses to Cataldi’s tweet. Let’s rank their chances at love with Meisha after the jump:

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Would anyone from Philadelphia survive a John Wick assassination attempt?
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Yeah, I’m thinking the Coggin is back.

No. No they would not. God damnit I watched John Wick 2 last night and I’m still all FIZZED up over it. Good action movies are so hard to make, but somehow the John Wick franchise still finds fresh ways to keep itself relevant, which is a challenge considering it’s just two hours of a guy running around the world killing people with handguns.

It had every trope I love in a great action movie: a hall of mirrors, hitmen with various fighting styles, gentlemanly agreements, it couldn’t have been better.

I was so pumped up from watching the movie last night that I tried to put my wife in a modified rear naked choke, but she stabbed me in the leg with a fork (all the way to the bone) and warned me not to start something I couldn’t finish. God I love her.

But it got me thinking…would anyone involved in the sports landscape of this city be able to survive with The Baba Yaga himself stalking them? No, no they wouldn’t, but would anyone be able to fight him off enough to deserve a death with dignity? Not in this city.

And yes, I’m fully aware this is a dumb, sports talk radio premise of a column (HEY, WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD SURVIVE?! VOTE IN OUR POLL NOW) but I don’t care. I’m still filled with piss and vinegar from watching that movie.

So who who would stand the best chance? We’re assuming Wick has only his bare fists to get the job done and his targets have ONE non-gun weapon of their choice to defend themselves.

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Destructive RT Armageddon wreaks havoc through Philadelphia sports media

tumblr_mou8y9bxwc1sqwnloo1_500The unthinkable happened on Monday afternoon, as a destructive RT Armageddon wreaked havoc through the Philadelphia sports media, cutting swaths of destruction through the flimsy, half-thought out takes from the past.

The Armageddon, which officially rated as an 8.2 on the Eskin scale, crumbled and exposed the worst past opinions on the popular Sam Hinkie “Process” from Philadelphia sports media members.

According to Twitter experts, it was the largest RT Armageddon Philadelphia has experienced since the Andy Reid firing of 2012.

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Angelo Cataldi shows up to 94 WIP offices in brand new “Trust the Process” t-shirt

060512-Angelo-Cataldi-400Angelo Cataldi surprised co-workers Monday morning when the host of the 94 WIP Morning Show came into work sporting a black t-shirt adorned with Sam Hinkie’s face and the slogan “Trust the Process” printed across its backside.

Cataldi, who once wrote in a column, “Above all, Hinkie was a loser,” feigned surprised when co-workers questioned his choice of apparel.

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Sputtering, soaked Angelo Cataldi drags self out of ocean after Memorial Day Weekend

012814_angelo_600A soaked and shivering Angelo Cataldi heaved himself out of the Ocean City surf on Sunday evening after concerned beach goers rolled the napping sports talk host into the water to “keep him wet” after fearing he had beached himself.

The 66-year-old 94 WIP sports talk host visited the popular Jersey shore location for Memorial Day Weekend and savored a beach visit during the brisk day. After his wife reportedly left their location for a long walk, the behemoth quickly fell asleep before being noticed by a number of concerned tourists.

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Philadelphia strippers relieved to have most embarrassing day of the year finally over
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The worst moment of any stripper’s career…being a Wingette.

Philadelphia, PA – Strippers throughout the Delaware Valley were able to breathe a sigh of relief this morning after Wing Bowl 25 finally came to a merciful close. The annual eating event has long been described as the most “embarrassing and humiliating” day of the year for women who take their clothes off for money in Philadelphia.

City gentlemen clubs have provided their employees as “Wingettes” for the annual event, much to the horror of the women who actually have to attend Wing Bowl.

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Rejoice, Wing Bowl fans! Cataldi didn’t see the shadow of his neck jowls!

cataldiRejoice, Wing Bowl fans! Your celebratory day of binge drinking at 5 a.m., watching obese men and Asian women eat chicken wings until the point of death, and screaming “SHOW US YOUR TITS” at Delaware Valley strippers is safe for another six years.

Thousands gathered in front of the Wawa on 9th and Walnut to celebrate the 25th annual Jowl Day Tradition. As legend has it, if noted flip-flopper and slob Angelo Cataldi comes out of the Wawa after gorging himself on sticky buns and Butterscotch Krimpets and sees the shadow of his impressive neck jowls, he’ll retreat back into the convenience store and Wing Bowl will be cancelled for the next six years. If the gin-soaked host does not see his neck jowl shadow, Wing Bowl is safe for another six years.

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Howie Roseman clarifies reason for Eric Rowe trade: “I didn’t like his jerk-off face”

102813-howie-roseman-600Philadelphia, PA – Howie Roseman commented on his controversial decision to trade cornerback Eric Rowe to the New England Patriots prior to the start of the 2016-2017 season this morning during an appearance on the 94 WIP Morning Show with Angelo Cataldi.

Roseman noted he felt as if he should give the fans an explanation of why Rowe, a second year cornerback that has found success with the Super Bowl bound Patriots, was traded for a 2018 4th round draft pick.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?
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Ho ho ho! The Eagles stink and it’s all your fault!

Hey! We actually got ALL of our Eagles picks right last week when we predicted the Eagles would not only lose to the Ravens, but would cover the spread as well. WE’RE ON A ROLL NOW, BUDDY BOY, JUST CALL ME COOL DR. MONEY CAUSE I’M MAKING STACKS UPON STACKS.

Oh, I’m sorry, our guest pickers are on fire (how long do I have to keep up this charade?)

Tonight the Eagles (5-9) will try not to make the bile rise in everyone’s throats throughout the Delaware Valley when they take on the NFC East rival NY Giants (10-4), with the
G-Men -2.5 point favorites.

But wait a second….what’s that I hear? Is that reindeer hooves up on the roof of the Coggin Toboggan offices, or just the thousands upon thousands of rats that call our facilities home?

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see who is making our picks this week….

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Isn’t Ric Flair attending Wing Bowl one of the seven signs of the apocalypse?
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WOOOOOO! It’s the end of days!

According to the Book of Revelations, there will be seven signs that the world is close to calling it quits and entering the apocalypse.

With the announcement that Ric Flair will be attending Wing Bowl, I think we’re one step closer today.

I’m no theologist, but I’m fairly sure that the Bible says the first sign of the Apocalypse is Ric Flair attending Wing Bowl in Philadelphia.

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