The ladies have spoken!

Easy there Tom, kids go on this blog!

Ladies, we heard you loud and clear at The Coggin Toboggan. Thanks for participating in our first ever Smooch Off poll between Tom Crean, University of Indiana mens head basketball coach, and Bill Belichik, head coach of the New England Patriots.

Bill put up a good fight, but the ladies cast their support behind Tom Crean smooching his son after an Indiana basketball game! And what’s not to like, am I right? That slicked back hair, the tender kiss, what lucky lady would not want to find themselves with Crean and his son!

Better luck next year, Bill. Maybe if you show a bit more passion with your daughter you might win the second annual Smooch Off poll at the CT!

Crean declined to comment on his victory and promptly blocked us on Twitter. Ooooh he’s a firey one!

Tony Bruno fired from 94 WIP due to declining ratings

Bruno (left) is out of the picture at 94 WIP. (Photo credit: Philly.com)

Philadelphia, PA – One day after the debut show of Josh Innes and Tony Bruno in the afternoon, company management representatives from 94 WIP have announced a change in direction when it comes to the afternoon drive slot.

Tony Bruno has been let go of his contract and will no longer appear alongside Josh Innes from 1 to 6 p.m. each afternoon. The duo performed one show together, setting their sites on ratings leaders Mike Missanelli of 97.5 the Fanatic, but unfortunately came up short.

Company representatives expressed frustration at the lack of a ratings gain from the two hosts.

“Quite simply, we thought we’d be farther ahead in the game than we are right now, so we felt it was time to make a change,” said Spike Eskin, the program director for 94 WIP. “We felt that we gave Tony and Josh an ample amount of time to really close that gap, but we just didn’t see the results.”

Eskin continued and announced an exciting new direction for the longtime sports radio station.

“We’ve hired a new host, a fresh talent, who we think is going to bring some unique ideas to our format,” Eskin said.

94 WIP has hitched its wagon to the rising star of Anthony Gargano, a lover of incredible meats.

Eskin then announced Anthony Gargano, a sports radio talk show host, has been hired to replace Bruno. Gargano will sit in with Innes immediately.

“Anthony Gargano will bring a reverberant voice to WIP. We’re very excited to see where this new talent will bring us,” Eskin said.

Gargano, a relative unknown to the Philadelphia sports talk scene, cited a love for the city and a love of incredible meats as his two main assets as a radio host.

The duo will begin their show today from 1 to 6 p.m.

UPDATE:

As of press time, 94 WIP has let Josh Innes out of his contract and announced Rob Ellis will team with Gargano for the afternoon drive slot.

OH my sweet jesus, we’ve won a few games

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (11-33). A returning Big Shot brandished a switchblade at Henry Sims last week for no good reason.

We’ve actually won a few games, 3-2 in our last five, including a win over the Minnesota Timberwolves and the returning Thaddeus Young. He didn’t seem to enjoy the last season and didn’t speak to anyone on the roster for the final month’s worth of games. He had a thousand yard stare and visibly recoiled whenever anyone touched him…he seems much happier now, but I definitely saw his soul leave his body when someone in the crowd called him a “no good piece of shit.”

It was all fun and games until we had to go to Cleveland and Lebron James actually decided to play against us. He demolished everyone on our team. He wasn’t even trying. At one point in the game he was taking all of his shots left handed, and I’m pretty sure he tried to punt in a three-point attempt towards the end of the third quarter.

He was lighthearted throughout the entire game until the last five minutes…and then Furkan Aldemir entered the game. My god, he would not stop calling Lebron’s mother a “filthy, flea ridden whore.” He’s really gotten into American trash talking. I mean, he was going into disgusting details about everything Delonte West reportedly did to his mother. It was really personal, horrible stuff, and during the last 10 seconds tears were streaming down Lebron’s face. It was heart wrenching stuff, we were all telling Furkan to stop, but that crazy European son of a bitch just wouldn’t give up.

You don’t even want to know what he said to Kyle Korver’s younger sister the next night. He is one brutal mother fucker.

We play the Boston Celtics on Friday. There’s a $5,000 pot on who can elbow Evan Turner in the esophagus first.

Who is the better smoocher?

Ladies, we’ve heard you loud and clear at the CT. You want more content catering to female interests! Of course you do, how could you not?

Well we think this poll is right up your alley. Tell us your opinions on who is the better kisser between superhunks Bill Belichick and Tom Crean. Both head coaches are showcasing their smooching skills in these pictures, so who is better??

Who kisses their respective child on the mouth better? Bill Belichick kissing his daughter after Sunday’s Super Bowl victory, or Tom Crean kissing his son after a University of Indiana basketball game?

Let us know!

Steven Singer: Fuck it, we’re gold plating everything

You’ll really hate Steven Singer after spending $300 on a gold-dipped plate of shit.

Philadelphia, PA – Steven Singer, owner of Steven Singer Jewelers, a popular jewelry store that run advertisements on 94 WIP, The Howard Stern Show and the Opie and Jim Norton show, revealed a new direction his store would be taking for the remaining two weeks until Valentine’s Day.

Traditionally, Steven Singer Jewelers offers a different colored gold plated rose each Valentine’s season. Having run out of this year’s “butterscotch” colored rose with two weeks left in the season, Singer had to scramble for a solution.

“Just grab anything you can from the office, I don’t give a fuck what it is. Staplers, a cordless phone, a telephone book….anything at all god damnit!” Singer reportedly screamed to employees at his store on the corner of 7th and Walnut. “Anything that can fit in the gold dipper, just do it you fucks. People will buy anything that’s plated in gold, lets sell these blue collar slobs anything we can. Move move move!”

Singer could be seen running through his jewelry store, grabbing office supplies and scraps of his employees lunch, anything that he deemed “gold dippable.”

“Every year, every goddamn year we don’t have a correct estimate of these fucking gold-dipped roses. Dip faster people, dip fucking faster, we need to get these into the display cases!” he screamed. “You there! Four eyes, drop those glasses in that gold dipper or you’ll be out on your ass selling cubic zirconias with that Robbin’s Rocks fucker in Delaware.”

I-Hate-Steven-Singer-Real-Rose-dipped-in-24K-Gold-Forever-Rose-Valentine-039-s-Day-p826150.jpg.thumb

So pretty.

Steven Singer Jewelers delivered several new live reads to 94 WIP, which will be running up until Valentine’s Day on Saturday, Feb. 14.

“Come in to Steven Singers Jewelers on the other corner of 8th and Walnut for your limited edition, gold-dipped chicken wing bone Andy Reid left here from 2007. Only $300 for this one of a kind, gold dipped masticated chicken wing your wife or girlfriend is sure to love,” Angelo Cataldi read over the airwaves Wednesday morning.

As of press time, window shoppers passing by the store could see a one of a kind, gold-dipped Pat Burrell discarded condom he left in the back room of the store in 2008.

Josh Innes, Tony Bruno arguing over who would be who in the Mega Maniacs

Tony Bruno (left) and Josh Innes have teamed up for the coveted afternoon drive spot on 94 WIP. Both want to be the Hulkster and will go home if they don’t get their way.

Philadelphia, PA – Josh Innes and Tony Bruno’s pairing on 94 WIP has gotten off to a rocky start, as the two sports radio hosts were heard arguing loudly at the station about which of them would be Hulk Hogan of the early 90s tag team, the Mega Maniacs.

Innes suggested a station promo compare the new sports radio duo to the Mega Maniacs, a popular early 90s WWF tag team consisting of Hulk Hogan and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake.

“Obviously I’d be Hogan, so maybe write something down along the lines of, ‘Innes will be throwing a huge leg drop on Mike Missanelli in the afternoons, and as always Bruno will be by his side with his trusty, oversized barber sheers.’ Yeah, that’s real good,” Innes told a production manager at the station

Bruno took exception to being compared to the less popular member of the tag team.

“I’d be Brutus? Are you kidding me? Do I look like I’d come to the station, sporting a pair of barber sheers and a broken face?!” He shouted at Innes, citing a real-life incident where a parasailer flying too low to the beach ran into the wrestler and crushed every bone in his facial skeleton. “Maybe we should change the name of the show to the The Barber Shop, is that what you want? This is fucking ridiculous! I’m even bald, just like the Hulkster, you can go screw yourself.”

WWF tag team powerhouse, The Mega Maniacs.

Bruno and Innes then allegedly both grabbed either side of a red bandana and fought over the garment, cupping their hands over their ears to show which of the two was the real “Hulkamaniac” of the duo.

“I always say my prayers and eat my vitamins, so fuck you!” Innes screamed, as the two hosts had to be separated by several other station employees.

Bruno then attempted to strike Innes with Hogan’s signature “big boot” maneuver and tore every single muscle in his leg.

As of press time, a cloaked figure, who only revealed himself as being “The Higher Power of 94 WIP,” tented his fingers and muttered approvingly at the developments.

Online dirt sheets are speculating the “higher power” will be revealed in a later episode as a newly rehired Anthony Gargano, who will vie for the coveted afternoon drive spot with Bruno and Innes.

Julian Edelman on possibly playing through a concussion: “Hamburger.”

Julian Edelman, experiencing a moment of clarity at Super Bowl XLIX before descending back into a dark haze.

Phoenix, Arizona – One day after Super Bowl XLIX, new controversies have arisen in the NFL following what looked like New England Patriot’s wide receiver Julian Edelman receiving a concussion early in the fourth quarter of the biggest football game of the year.

Edelman was cleared to return to action by an independent neurologist, but critics of the NFL say Edelman had no business being on the field after he appeared woozy and disoriented on the sidelines after suffering a big hit.

Edelman responded to questions on his possible injury Monday afternoon.

“Hamburger,” the glassy eyed Edelman told several AP reporters. “Ripened hamburgers on the vine morning, noon and night. Monkey wrenches tidal plains.”

Edelman then drooled on himself for 45 seconds until a reporter snapped her fingers in his face, bringing him out of his daze. His stunted eyes focused on her for about a minute, before he stuffed a handful of his beard in his mouth.

“It was a big hit, I’ll give you that, but I’ve been in worst kite accidents before, and I’ll be there again, believe me,” Edelman droned on, as the reporters awkwardly glanced at each other. “Just point me in the direction of that pool and I’ll be there to take a dip.”

As the reporters moved away from the cross-eyed wide receiver, reports stated that he followed them around the Phoenix complex for several minutes, despite their quickened pace to separate themselves from the athlete.

“Guys, guys! Wait a second, I’ve got to tell you a big secret,” he said, stopping the reporters. He then proceeded to not speak for 10 minutes, his fractured brain desperately trying to make sense of the situation.

Luckily, the reporters were able to make their escape when a paper cup struck Edelman in the head and rendered him unconscious for 25 minutes.

Editor’s note: Was it too much to ask for a mumps outbreak?

Where was the mumps virus when we needed it the most?

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Like the majority of Americans last night, I could not have cared about either team competing in Super Bowl XLIX. Pete Carroll is a 9/11 truther nut job, Bill Belichick is a curmudgeon who looked like he enjoyed the victory for all of 2.3 seconds before setting his sights on next season, and not a single player on either roster I wished to see have any type of success.

But, unlike so many fans I’ve heard complain about the game and those that wished injuries or even death upon the participants in last night’s Super Bowl, I say relax. It’s just a game people, there’s no reason for such negative thoughts!

That being said, I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I wish a mumps outbreak had spread like wildfire throughout both locker rooms.

Look, Mumps is rarely deadly in adults (1 in 10,000 will die according to WHO), so I think we all could have felt a lot better about the outcome if every single member of each team and coaching staff had contracted the virus at halftime and incubated until the game was over.

Just think about it. We would have had the enjoyment of the game (which was thrilling) but when the virus stopped its incubation period at the final whistle and its symptoms began to appear, it would have been double the fun!

Just imagine, NBC cameras broadcasting a swollen throat Tom Brady desperately trying to take a celebratory sip of champagne, but being in too much pain to do so. Or maybe Richard Sherman face down on Seattle’s bench, too weak to move, as confetti showers down over him, sticking to his sweat soaked fever skin?

Maybe even, if we were lucky, Pete Carroll cursing God as his body is wracked with muscle aches because he had refused a Mumps vaccination, fearing it would give him autism?

At the very least I would have enjoyed seeing Robert Kraft keel over in his suite, surrounded by loved ones also clutching their swollen throats. Not dead, obviously, but at least in some discomfort.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Super Bowl we all deserved.

Report: Kitten Bowl leads to severe health deficiencies of athletes

Kitten Bowl II participant Rex Meowyan. Following the game he was found with 25 tuna cans in his snuggle hut and has been banned for life.

Kitten Bowl – Following the success of Kitten Bowl II, several ex-feline football league athletes have come forward detailing the difficulties and health deficiencies they have suffered after they’ve hung up their claws and their frolicking days are over.

Tigger, a Russian Blue, said he no longer remembers the names of his kitten when he gets up in the morning. The 4-year-old cat appeared in Kitten Bowl I and believes the excessive frolicking and romping of the game has led him to this state.

“I’m not kitten around, this is a serious issue. Sure, it looks cute on television and my highlight play of chasing the electronic mouse into the end zone was replayed time and time again, but what you didn’t see was my inability to use the litter box on my own after the cameras turned off. I no longer get any joy out of chasing a laser pointer mindlessly around my home or swatting at a piece of string. My life is hell.”

A report submitted to the media shows that the majority of former kittens in the FFL suffer from excessive cuteness, brittle whisker syndrome and CTE (chronic tuna excitation).

Some aren’t as lucky as Tigger, as Kitten Bowl II participant Matt Furte overdosed on catnip immediately following the televised special. Teammates said Furte regularly self-medicated himself with the drug following each game, complaining of excessive furriness and shaking paws.

He was found wrapped in a red ball of yarn with catnip matted into his fur, according to sources.

“We need to address this issue immediately. Luckily after my appearance in the first Kitten Bowl, I was able to transfer to a regular life and dedicate myself to helping my fellow kittens do the same,” said Troy Purrcent, head of the kitten commission. “We need mandatory helmets, more heads up purring, and much less severe pouncing and stalking if we want the game to be safer.”

As of press time, Purrcent had vomited a hairball on his master’s bed.

BREAKING: Bobby Hoying appears at Wing Bowl 23 after being presumed dead

Philadelphia, PA – Missing since last Saturday evening, the night before the Pro Bowl, Bobby Hoying appeared this morning in a luxury suite at the 23rd WIP Wing Bowl. While still wearing the clothes he was seen pictured in last Saturday, Hoying appeared to be in high spirits, bumping several lines of cocaine off a Wingettes bare chest before turning his attention back to the festivities below.

“The last week was a blur, but when I found myself in a gutter in South Philly last night, I knew I had to at least get myself to the Wing Bowl,” Hoying said with two women on his lap. “Besides I bet a cool 10 G’s on that Schuyler chick down there, it’s a stone cold lock.”

Hoying cheered on his “hoss” as he called her, alternating between lines of cocaine and starting several “show us your tits!” chants to the numerous Wingettes in attendance.

For many, it was a welcome site, seeing Hoying after he was presumed dead following last week’s Pro Bowl. Hoying disappeared from his Arizona hotel the night before being scheduled to start the exhibition game, the first of his professional career.

“It’ll take a lot more than a mountain of pure Colombian raw and an emergency room visit to put good ol’ Bobby down, I’ll tell you that,” Hoying said.

However, after Schuyler failed to defend her Wing Bowl crown, losing to Patrick Bertoletti in a Wing Bowl record performance, Hoying abruptly finished the last of his eight ball and hastily left the suite.

“I’ll tell you what, there ain’t no way Big Tony is going to get that $10,000 from me. He’ll have to come at me with a white flag waving if he ever wants to see me again,” he said, as he left the arena.

Hoying was last seen walking in the direction of the Penthouse Club with a stack full of $1 bills.